Who needs enemies? 

Q: I have been friends with a woman for 10 years. She's 39, I'm 31 and we're both single. I am not the platonic friend type and I do not use the "be her friend to get into her pants" ploy. She's beautiful and has a sexy body. I was interested as any guy would be when we first met. I was 21 and a gorgeous older lady was attracted to me! I don't know how, but we became just friends. I practice to be a friend and I have long-term friends of both sexes. She really has no friends but her ex-boyfriends and me. I have spent more time with her than with any other female. I prefer to be with her. Recently we've been seeking each other's company on weekends, birthdays etc. At this point in her life she is at a loss and searching for direction. I couldn't help it, I found myself falling in love. A week ago we got into a fight and I told her how I felt. She went crazy. She wanted me out of her life. She was angry and could not be communicated with. I waited a week and then sent letters and flowers. At week's end I saw her and she accused me of being "the psycho they warned me about when we met." I don't understand. I still love her. I don't throw people away. Should I be patient with her or is it over? Is she a mental case?

A: There is too much here I don't — and can't — understand. Rather than saying what you want and don't want, why are both of you calling each other mentally unbalanced? This is a long-term friendship? That relationship sage Woody Allen once opined "Never sleep with someone who has more problems than you." Either she's trying to follow that advice or perhaps you should.

Q: I am a 25-year-old woman with a wonderful boyfriend who is a couple years older than me. I love him and want to be with him and find him physically very attractive. I really cannot imagine finding anyone better than him. We have been dating a couple of years and we live together. It's been fantastic, but in the last couple of months I've found myself attracted to other men. Mostly I’m attracted to one acquaintance of mine, but sometimes it’s to strangers on the street. I have never acted on these impulses, but recently they are almost overpowering. These aren't just fantasies; I feel like I want to act on them. I imagine being with this acquaintance in other ways as well, i.e. emotionally. During this time, I also have not been feeling like having sex with my boyfriend. Should I not be in this relationship? I don't want to break up but I don't want to hurt my boyfriend.

A: There are several things going on here. You may be so strongly attracted to your acquaintance that your whole erotic focus is there. You may be getting itchy when you remember that other sexy possibilities exist in the world and you compare your present pasture with the greener area over there. You could be nursing some anger with your "wonderful boyfriend" which can kill desire faster than a bucket of cold water. You may be acting out some old script that you're unaware of such as "relationships only last X years and then I lose interest." Before you do anything like act on your attractions or break up the present relationship, sit yourself down with a disinterested and very good listener and sort out your feelings.

Q: A short time ago I saw an ad for a masturbation club starting out in my area. I wish I had clipped the ad or written down the details. Are clubs like this common and how could I find out about them? I am dying to attend one and share my habit with others who love doing the same thing.

A: Ah, the joy of fellowship. Since such groups are usually unisex, start by combing the ads in the gay papers. Also, look in the sex-centered papers like Screw on the East Coast and the Spectator on the West Coast. Lastly, put an ad of your own in this or similar papers looking for fellow "hobbyists." Isadora Alman is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her via this paper or askisadora@aol.com. Her Sexuality Forum is at

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Speaking of Love & Sex, Ask Isadora

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