Q: On more than one occasion I’ve been grabbed by the hair and pulled up for a big post-cunnilingus kiss, but my face is dripping wet and I feel uncomfortable just laying a sloppy one on the girl without first wiping my face off on the sheet. Nothing was said by the girls, but I felt a little guilty. I had a girlfriend who would rush off and brush her teeth after giving head and it really bothered me. She was disgusted by my cum. I’m not disgusted by pussy juice, I just want to keep things neat. Any thoughts? —Drippy Really Isn’t Polite
A: Go with the flow, DRIP. (Sorry about that.) When a woman calls a halt to the cunnilingus and pulls your sopping face up to her own for a kiss, she’s engaging in what Dr. Phil might call “nonverbal communication.” She knows your face is wet, right? And since she’s pulling your face up to her own, what do you think she’s trying to tell you? She’s telling you that she desperately wants you to lay a big, sloppy, juicy, goopy, drippy and, in my opinion, completely disgusting post-cunnilingus kiss on her. Since you’re only doing what she wants, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. In cases where the woman isn’t directing the action — when you’re the one who decides it’s time to take a cunnilingus break — then you should pause for a quick wipe on your way up. But instead of picking up the sheet and wiping your face, I would advise you to quickly pass a hand over your cheeks, mouth and jaw, collecting as much of the excess moisture as you can. Then set your hand down on the sheet. Don’t wipe, DRIP, just let the sheet absorb what it can. That way you’ll be nice and neat and not too damp, and the girl you’re eating out won’t get the impression that you think pussy juice is disgusting — which, of course, it isn’t. Or so I’m told.
Q: About a month into our relationship, my (now former) boyfriend and I were having sex on the tail end of my period. Well, he freaked when he saw blood on his dick and immediately went to the sink to wash it off. Diseased blood can be a dangerous substance, but we had both been tested for everything. I have tolerated his cum on my legs, pubes, stomach and face, as well as in my hair and in my body, and I don’t think it was right for him to act so disgusted by my bodily fluids. Hello, it happens to all girls! Some guys even like sex during a girl’s period! (I learned that from you, Dan!) What gives? Who’s the bitch? —The Crimson Lover
A: He’s the bitch — definitely, no question, without a doubt. However, if he was relatively inexperienced, you might have cut him a bit of slack. While periods are normal and natural and healthy, and while a woman who’s sexually active has seen blood on her genitals before, a bloody cock is not normal, natural or necessarily healthy. If this was the first time your (now former) boyfriend encountered blood during sex, it’s understandable that he might freak out. If you patiently explained to him that anyone who loves pussy is occasionally going to come into contact with blood, just as anyone who loves cock is going to come into contact with cum, and he was still freaked out, well, then you were right to kick his squeamish ass to the curb.
Q: I’m a 16-year-old male writing because of an uncomfortable situation with my father. I’ve known for a while that he looks at porn on the computer. I know that he is entitled to do whatever he wants with himself, but I can’t help it that this makes me feel kind of disgusted. I don’t know what to do. Please help. —My Dad Is A Pervert
A: Your dad has a right to a private life, MDIAP, and that includes a private fantasy life. It’s none of your fucking business what your father does on his computer. (If your dad was writing to an advice columnist, he might sign his letter, “My Son Is A Self-Righteous Prick Who Should Learn To Mind His Own Business.”) If the porn thing bothers your mom, that’s an issue for your mom and dad to work out. Just between you and me, MDIAP, all men look at porn, which means that one day you’ll be looking at porn. Shit, I was looking at porn when your letter popped up in my inbox. You’re a 16-year-old male: In your heart of hearts, you want to look at porn. I suspect your “disgust” with your father is an expression of your discomfort with your own desire to look at porn and, what’s more, your disgust may be tinged by envy. (Your dad is doing something you want to do but won’t allow yourself to do.) Your conflict and your envy are your problems, MDIAP, not your father’s.
Q: In response to any readers who were irritated by your being so hard on Disabled Dilemma — the man whose friend got on his motorcycle drunk and wound up losing a leg and a chunk of his brain — I have to say that I was irritated because I thought you were being way too easy on the guy. Look at it this way, Dan: Disabled man wants pussy. He doesn’t apparently want a relationship, just pussy. He also won’t or can’t pay for it. So his friend makes an appeal to the women of the world: Who wants to give my friend free pussy? He’s not good-looking, but hey, you can see beyond that, right, because you’re a good person! There’s no mention of this guy’s compensating virtues, other than that he won’t dump you because he can’t do any better. So even the traditional defense — “He’s a really nice person with lots of good qualities!” — wasn’t trotted out. Implicit message: Men want pussy and they deserve it, whether they have any good qualities or not; women, on the other hand, should be good, unselfish people who look beyond the merely physical and should seek out people who need pussy and give it to them. Frankly, Dan, I thought you should have ripped Disabled Dilemma a few new ones. —Irritable in Pittsburgh
Q: As a disabled guy, I have to applaud your response to “Disabled Dilemma.” You were just as harsh to him as you were to every other person who writes in. Kudos to you for treating us crips like everyone else in the world. I have to say that your advice was wrong, however. That guy doesn’t need to get used to being alone or paying a hooker. Plenty of us crips find people perfectly willing to give it away for free (my boyfriend, for example). In fact, most of the disabled folks I know are sexually active. —Just Another Queer Crip
Q: Concerning disabled love, I’m surprised you didn’t mention the rare and little-discussed fetish for the disabled. It does exist. A friend employed in health care (what else?) has long fantasized about partially paralyzed people. Maybe it’s true — there really is someone for everyone. —WenG
A: Thanks for sharing, IIP, JAQP, and WenG.Contact Dan Savage at [email protected]