OK, enough doom and gloom. It's time to talk about something fun: the Detroit Tigers and how gawdawful they are.
That's not exactly a news flash to sports fans here in Motown. The Tigers have sucked giantly for a long time. But sometimes it's nice to hear an outside perspective, which is exactly what we were treated to on Monday, when sportswriter King Kaufman's piece on the Tigers appeared on the salon.com Web site.
"… one shouldn't pass up a chance to be in the presence of epochal athletic awfulness," wrote Kaufman, who watched the Tigers blow a 4-0 lead against the Minnesota Twins over the weekend, going on to post an 8-4 loss. As of this writing, the Tigers are 30-85. That’s spectacularly bad. The next worst major-league team, Tampa Bay, has 14 more wins.
Describing Comerica Park as "nice enough, in that way that a shopping mall can be nice," Kaufman floated the idea of variable ticket pricing, something that’s a hot item in the big leagues these days. In some parks, fans are bilked more for a chance to see the likes of Barry Bonds play on a Saturday night than they are for a weekday game featuring the Milwaukee Brewers.
Given that trend, Kaufman makes this suggestion:
"The Tigers ought to take variable pricing to the extreme. They ought to say, 'OK, rest of the year, every unsold seat in the house is free.'"
King, we like the way you think. But you don't take your idea far enough. The way the pussy cats have been stinking the place up, owner Mike Ilitch should be paying us to occupy seats at his ballpark. Throw in a few free beers and we just might be persuaded to show up for a couple innings.
But who cares about baseball anyway, now that the Detroit Lions are a mouth-dropping 1-0 in games that have no meaning.
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