See our Best of Detroit 2020 winners.

The real rules 

“Hellllloo? Sam, baby — is that you? What’s that you say? You’re slurring, I can’t … You’re at the corner bar? You’re breaking up with me?! You listen here, Mr. Sloppy Sam — according to the American Dating Association, this termination of our MAD (Mutually Agreed state of Dating) is invalid!”

Throw that one at him. You’ll be backed by the United States’ official governing body of courtship. Since 1976, the American Dating Association has been regulating the chaotic contemporary dating scene, and now West Coast writer Jeff Wise has compiled and systemized the association’s love rules in a horny-green, pocket-sized book entitled Universal Dating Regulations and Bylaws. The handbook is comprised of eight sections that set extremely detailed standards of acceptable romantic behavior for the following stages of intimacy: Meeting, First Date, Early Courtship, Advanced Courtship, Sex, Moving In, Living Together and Termination.

In the scenario above, the jilted girlfriend was correct: Section IX c.i. states that unless physically prevented from achieving physical presence, a “breaker” must inform the “breakee” of the relationship’s dissolution in person and face-to-face. If you’ve ever needed righteous validation for a broken heart, look no further. The book costs $9.95 at www.americandating.org.

What grabs your attention? E-mail letters@metrotimes.com

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Detroit Metro Times. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Detroit Metro Times, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at letters@metrotimes.com.

Detroit Metro Times works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Detroit and beyond.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Detroit's true free press free.

Read the Digital Print Issue

October 28, 2020

View more issues

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Best Things to Do In Detroit