The 2020 Dooby Awards: Celebrating Michigan’s most dubious newsmakers

By on Tue, Dec 29, 2020 at 12:54 pm

Of all the years in recent history, 2020 is, without question, the most dubious of them all. We don't have to tell you all the reasons why this year sucked (99% of those reasons rhyme with “frump”) but we can highlight all the people that helped make it suck. As much as we'd like to set fire to 2020 and watch it squirm and suffer because we are sick bastards who desperately want this year to be a figment of our equally sick imagination, it's a tradition at the Metro Times to take one last look back and dole out the Dooby Awards, honoring "the most dubious, foolhardy, baffling, hilarious, or just plain bad stories" of the year. This is one award you absolutely do not want.

 

 

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The 2020 Dooby Awards: Celebrating Michigan’s most dubious newsmakers
January The ooze blues:The owner of a now-shuttered factory that was so contaminated that it sent a hazardous, bright green ooze onto I-696 in Madison Heights reported to federal prison at the start of the year. Gary Alfred Sayers, 70, was sent to FCI Morgantown, a minimum-security detention center in West Virginia, according to the Federal Bureau of Prisons. In 2019, Sayers was sentenced to a year in prison on a charge of illegally storing hazardous materials at Electro-Plating Services in Madison Heights. Some of the hazardous materials were stored in a dirt hole in the basement, where the chemicals seeped into the ground and eventually found a path onto the freeway. The green slime was groundwater contaminated with cancer-causing hexavalent chromium, which was featured in the movie Erin Brockovich. The EPA spent about $2 million and nearly a year to clean up the waste, but officials now acknowledge they underestimated how much toxic waste ended up in the ground. Anyway, Sayers didn’t even serve his full year sentence, as he was released on house arrest in May. Photo via Michigan Department of Transportation

January

The ooze blues:The owner of a now-shuttered factory that was so contaminated that it sent a hazardous, bright green ooze onto I-696 in Madison Heights reported to federal prison at the start of the year. Gary Alfred Sayers, 70, was sent to FCI Morgantown, a minimum-security detention center in West Virginia, according to the Federal Bureau of Prisons. In 2019, Sayers was sentenced to a year in prison on a charge of illegally storing hazardous materials at Electro-Plating Services in Madison Heights. Some of the hazardous materials were stored in a dirt hole in the basement, where the chemicals seeped into the ground and eventually found a path onto the freeway. The green slime was groundwater contaminated with cancer-causing hexavalent chromium, which was featured in the movie Erin Brockovich. The EPA spent about $2 million and nearly a year to clean up the waste, but officials now acknowledge they underestimated how much toxic waste ended up in the ground. Anyway, Sayers didn’t even serve his full year sentence, as he was released on house arrest in May.

Photo via Michigan Department of Transportation
February Mom’s spaghetti?:We should’ve known we were in for some shit when Detroit rap legend Eminem appeared at the 2020 Academy Awards to perform a song he won an Oscar for 17 years prior but did not show up to snag. Anyway, Em sang his record-smashing, award-winning hit 2002 song “Lose Yourself” from his autobiographical film 8 Mile. While we love this song — like, seriously, it’s in our top 10, er, 15 of all time, or something — neither we, nor the unsuspecting Oscar audience, had a fucking clue as to why Eminem was performing the song 17 years later. Sure, if it had been a major milestone anniversary, that would make total sense. While we were left scratching our heads, Em said he showed up because, well, he wasn’t there when he won. OK, well, we don’t see Woody Allen showing up randomly with award FOMO for Annie Hall, which he won three awards for but didn’t show up to accept. OK, that was maybe not the greatest example.

February


Mom’s spaghetti?:We should’ve known we were in for some shit when Detroit rap legend Eminem appeared at the 2020 Academy Awards to perform a song he won an Oscar for 17 years prior but did not show up to snag. Anyway, Em sang his record-smashing, award-winning hit 2002 song “Lose Yourself” from his autobiographical film 8 Mile. While we love this song — like, seriously, it’s in our top 10, er, 15 of all time, or something — neither we, nor the unsuspecting Oscar audience, had a fucking clue as to why Eminem was performing the song 17 years later. Sure, if it had been a major milestone anniversary, that would make total sense. While we were left scratching our heads, Em said he showed up because, well, he wasn’t there when he won. OK, well, we don’t see Woody Allen showing up randomly with award FOMO for Annie Hall, which he won three awards for but didn’t show up to accept. OK, that was maybe not the greatest example.
March Only god knows why: We did it, Detroit. We ran #MAGA-loving rebel rap-rocker Kid Rock out of his home state — and it wasn't easy. In recent years, he’s sold off his Detroit and Macomb County homes, followed by the closure of Kid Rock’s Made in Detroit restaurant at Little Caesars Arena. Now, it appears that Kid Rock and all of his “Rock 'n' Roll Jesus” idolatry is someone else's problem: the kind citizens of Nashville, Tennessee, where he lives in a camouflaged luxury trailer and co-owns Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock & Roll Steakhouse, which was the scene of a November 2019 incident in which he went on a drunken tirade aimed at the ladies of daytime television: Oprah, Joy Behar, and Kathie Lee Gifford. Anyway, Honky Tonk is located in a bustling entertainment district and, in March, refused to shut down amid COVID-19 coronavirus concerns, despite Nashville Mayor John Cooper's order for bars along Lower Broadway and throughout Davidson County to close. Kid Rock is not just Nashville's problem, he's everyone's. Photo via Twitter user @Ovation_Girl

March

Only god knows why: We did it, Detroit. We ran #MAGA-loving rebel rap-rocker Kid Rock out of his home state — and it wasn't easy. In recent years, he’s sold off his Detroit and Macomb County homes, followed by the closure of Kid Rock’s Made in Detroit restaurant at Little Caesars Arena. Now, it appears that Kid Rock and all of his “Rock 'n' Roll Jesus” idolatry is someone else's problem: the kind citizens of Nashville, Tennessee, where he lives in a camouflaged luxury trailer and co-owns Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock & Roll Steakhouse, which was the scene of a November 2019 incident in which he went on a drunken tirade aimed at the ladies of daytime television: Oprah, Joy Behar, and Kathie Lee Gifford. Anyway, Honky Tonk is located in a bustling entertainment district and, in March, refused to shut down amid COVID-19 coronavirus concerns, despite Nashville Mayor John Cooper's order for bars along Lower Broadway and throughout Davidson County to close. Kid Rock is not just Nashville's problem, he's everyone's.

Photo via Twitter user @Ovation_Girl
March Jesus take the wheel: Perhaps one of the strangest stories to come out of metro Detroit this year — and one of the strangest reported on by Metro Times — was the tale of Alyssa Carone — a xenophobic, militant Baptist Christian, a distracted driver, and the type of woman who urinates in a Tim Hortons coffee cup in her car after she’s denied use of their restroom, and, on another occasion, who pees in a cup in her car and laughs maniacally when her husband proceeds to drink from it later. As the pandemic panic ramped up in Michigan, a video began surfacing across Hamtramck resident-moderated Facebook groups. The 34-minute video revealed Carone in her car with her two children embarking on what she called a “weird opportunity” to run errands and throw Arabic Bibles to Hamtramck Muslims after dropping her husband off for work. Carone, who at the top of the video claims that the streets of Hamtramck are normally “mobbed” with homeless people, which is why she typically chooses to steer clear of the city, especially when traveling with her children in tow. One troubling aspect of Carone’s Hamtramck visit was that she, in previous videos, had believed she and her son may have had coronavirus after they both experienced very high fevers (there’s a video of Carone going maskless during a hunt for a thermometer.) In the Hamtramck video, she admits to having lost her sick son’s coat, which is something that can easily happen to a frantic on-the-go stay-at-home mom who is non-stop recording mundane handheld daily videos, but proceeds to bring her children to the Conant Family Dollar and hand a man a Jesus pamphlet. Photo via screengrab/YouTube

March

Jesus take the wheel: Perhaps one of the strangest stories to come out of metro Detroit this year — and one of the strangest reported on by Metro Times — was the tale of Alyssa Carone — a xenophobic, militant Baptist Christian, a distracted driver, and the type of woman who urinates in a Tim Hortons coffee cup in her car after she’s denied use of their restroom, and, on another occasion, who pees in a cup in her car and laughs maniacally when her husband proceeds to drink from it later. As the pandemic panic ramped up in Michigan, a video began surfacing across Hamtramck resident-moderated Facebook groups. The 34-minute video revealed Carone in her car with her two children embarking on what she called a “weird opportunity” to run errands and throw Arabic Bibles to Hamtramck Muslims after dropping her husband off for work. Carone, who at the top of the video claims that the streets of Hamtramck are normally “mobbed” with homeless people, which is why she typically chooses to steer clear of the city, especially when traveling with her children in tow. One troubling aspect of Carone’s Hamtramck visit was that she, in previous videos, had believed she and her son may have had coronavirus after they both experienced very high fevers (there’s a video of Carone going maskless during a hunt for a thermometer.) In the Hamtramck video, she admits to having lost her sick son’s coat, which is something that can easily happen to a frantic on-the-go stay-at-home mom who is non-stop recording mundane handheld daily videos, but proceeds to bring her children to the Conant Family Dollar and hand a man a Jesus pamphlet.

Photo via screengrab/YouTube
April Face the strange: Ughhhhhh! Republican Sen. Dale Zorn totally gaslit us when he wore a Confederate flag face mask on the Senate floor during a session addressing Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's emergency powers and the coronavirus pandemic crisis. When asked about it, Zorn said it wasn't a Confederate flag, but even if it was, the Confederate flag is still part of our national history. His wife, he says, sewed it for him."I told my wife it probably will raise some eyebrows, but it was not a Confederate flag," Zorn said. Upon closer examination of the mask in question, Metro Times determined with, like, zero effort and one Google search, that his mask was not the Tennessee nor Kentucky flag he said his mask more closely resembled. He later removed the mask and said the mask was not worn with the intent to offend, which is weird considering he earlier said he knew it "will raise some eyebrows." Photo via Screengrab, WLNS News

April

Face the strange: Ughhhhhh! Republican Sen. Dale Zorn totally gaslit us when he wore a Confederate flag face mask on the Senate floor during a session addressing Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's emergency powers and the coronavirus pandemic crisis. When asked about it, Zorn said it wasn't a Confederate flag, but even if it was, the Confederate flag is still part of our national history. His wife, he says, sewed it for him."I told my wife it probably will raise some eyebrows, but it was not a Confederate flag," Zorn said. Upon closer examination of the mask in question, Metro Times determined with, like, zero effort and one Google search, that his mask was not the Tennessee nor Kentucky flag he said his mask more closely resembled. He later removed the mask and said the mask was not worn with the intent to offend, which is weird considering he earlier said he knew it "will raise some eyebrows."

Photo via Screengrab, WLNS News
April Take the high road: Though we’re no strangers to venting our frustrations over things like, oh, you know, incompetent presidents, the discontinuation of Taco Bell’s taco pizza, and general outrage over the existence and popularity of The Big Bang Theory, we’ve never taken our rants to the sky. Well, a Grand Rapids-area man aired his grievances with Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's coronavirus executive orders by spending an hour flying his airplane in a path to spell out the letters "F U." According to The New York Post, his design also included an arrow pointing to the governor's mansion, but to us it kind of looks like a dick (which perhaps is very fitting here). Ed Frederick, 45, says he did it after Whitmer announced her executive order extending the state of emergency through May 28. "It's a power trip,” Frederick told The Post. "The government, no matter Democrats or Republicans, always seem like they're trying to do something just to prove they're doing something, without weighing the ramifications." While we don’t 100% disagree with that last bit, we think the real “F U” should go to COVID-19 and all the politicians that truly failed to weigh the ramifications of their negligence.

April

Take the high road: Though we’re no strangers to venting our frustrations over things like, oh, you know, incompetent presidents, the discontinuation of Taco Bell’s taco pizza, and general outrage over the existence and popularity of The Big Bang Theory, we’ve never taken our rants to the sky. Well, a Grand Rapids-area man aired his grievances with Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's coronavirus executive orders by spending an hour flying his airplane in a path to spell out the letters "F U." According to The New York Post, his design also included an arrow pointing to the governor's mansion, but to us it kind of looks like a dick (which perhaps is very fitting here). Ed Frederick, 45, says he did it after Whitmer announced her executive order extending the state of emergency through May 28. "It's a power trip,” Frederick told The Post. "The government, no matter Democrats or Republicans, always seem like they're trying to do something just to prove they're doing something, without weighing the ramifications." While we don’t 100% disagree with that last bit, we think the real “F U” should go to COVID-19 and all the politicians that truly failed to weigh the ramifications of their negligence.
May This charming man: The most dubious man in American history, President Donald Trump, told Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer to reason with armed protesters who stormed the state Capitol in opposition of the governor's executive orders to close down much of the state’s businesses to combat the spread of COVID-19. Many of the protesters, emboldened by Trump’s past praise, went off-script. Many stood close together and didn't wear face masks, flouting the social-distancing guidelines experts recommend to stop the virus from spreading. There were Confederate flags, signs calling Whitmer a bitch, and signs insinuating that the governor should be lynched. Of course, the protesters were largely white — because can anyone imagine Black or brown people walking into a government building with guns without getting shot? Anyway, Trump took to Twitter and urged Whitmer to cut a deal with the protesters. "These are very good people, but they are angry," Trump said. "They want their lives back again, safely! See them, talk to them, make a deal." Good people? As it would turn out, a handful of men in attendance during the springtime protests would later make headlines for plotting to kidnap — and possibly kill — Gov. Whitmer, as well as plotting to set fire to the Capitol building with representatives locked inside. Photo by Steve Neavling

May

This charming man: The most dubious man in American history, President Donald Trump, told Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer to reason with armed protesters who stormed the state Capitol in opposition of the governor's executive orders to close down much of the state’s businesses to combat the spread of COVID-19. Many of the protesters, emboldened by Trump’s past praise, went off-script. Many stood close together and didn't wear face masks, flouting the social-distancing guidelines experts recommend to stop the virus from spreading. There were Confederate flags, signs calling Whitmer a bitch, and signs insinuating that the governor should be lynched. Of course, the protesters were largely white — because can anyone imagine Black or brown people walking into a government building with guns without getting shot? Anyway, Trump took to Twitter and urged Whitmer to cut a deal with the protesters. "These are very good people, but they are angry," Trump said. "They want their lives back again, safely! See them, talk to them, make a deal." Good people? As it would turn out, a handful of men in attendance during the springtime protests would later make headlines for plotting to kidnap — and possibly kill — Gov. Whitmer, as well as plotting to set fire to the Capitol building with representatives locked inside.

Photo by Steve Neavling
May From hero to zero: There’s no question that frontline workers were the true heroes of 2020, despite being slighted by Time magazine for persons of the year (lame!) Anyway, many essential businesses offered some extra cash for their employees as a way to thank them for putting their lives on the line, working crazy hours, and keeping shelves stocked with essential items. One such business was Kroger, the largest grocery store chain in the country, with more than 2,500 stores across 35 states and estimated sales of $70 billion a year. In late March, Kroger announced that it would provide thousands of its hourly frontline grocery, supply chain, manufacturing, pharmacy, and call center associates with weekly $2 per hour pay increase, or hazard pay, something the chain touts as a “Hero Bonus.” Well, Kroger decided to to discontinue the temporary appreciation program in May, prompting outrage from employees and several local unions, whose members penned a letter to Kroger CEO Rodney McMullen expressing concern over the discontinuation of its Hero Bonus “weeks before other major retailers,” as well as addressing the fact that customers are not held to the same safety measures as Kroger employees, which will continue to put workers at risk. Shortly after the Hero Bonus rollout, Kroger announced the death of four metro Detroit Kroger employees due to the coronavirus. Following the union letter, Kroger announced a new set of bonuses that expired in June. Cleanup on aisle BULLSHIT! Photo via Jason Whitman/Shutterstock.com

May

From hero to zero: There’s no question that frontline workers were the true heroes of 2020, despite being slighted by Time magazine for persons of the year (lame!) Anyway, many essential businesses offered some extra cash for their employees as a way to thank them for putting their lives on the line, working crazy hours, and keeping shelves stocked with essential items. One such business was Kroger, the largest grocery store chain in the country, with more than 2,500 stores across 35 states and estimated sales of $70 billion a year. In late March, Kroger announced that it would provide thousands of its hourly frontline grocery, supply chain, manufacturing, pharmacy, and call center associates with weekly $2 per hour pay increase, or hazard pay, something the chain touts as a “Hero Bonus.” Well, Kroger decided to to discontinue the temporary appreciation program in May, prompting outrage from employees and several local unions, whose members penned a letter to Kroger CEO Rodney McMullen expressing concern over the discontinuation of its Hero Bonus “weeks before other major retailers,” as well as addressing the fact that customers are not held to the same safety measures as Kroger employees, which will continue to put workers at risk. Shortly after the Hero Bonus rollout, Kroger announced the death of four metro Detroit Kroger employees due to the coronavirus. Following the union letter, Kroger announced a new set of bonuses that expired in June. Cleanup on aisle BULLSHIT!

Photo via Jason Whitman/Shutterstock.com
May I just wanna fly: If we at Metro Times learned anything about our fellow Michiganders, it’s that y’all are thirsty for the Blue Angels because nothing says “thank you for risking your lives during a global pandemic” quite like a flashy — and expensive — military aircraft performance. Detroit was among several spots along the “America Strong” tour led by the Navy Flight Demonstration Squadron, aka the Blue Angels, and the U.S. Air Force Air Demonstration Squadron, aka the Thunderbirds. The gesture was part of a string of multi-city flyover performances intended to honor frontline workers and first responders as a “collaborative salute” in those cities hit hardest by the coronavirus. The cost of a flyover? Well, it’s estimated a Blue Angels flyover could cost $60,000 per hour, but since it’s already accounted for in the Pentagon’s annual budget, who cares, right? Not so fast. Not everyone is thirsty for expensive disruptions, as many people questioned whether the America Strong tour was the best use of resources, considering many of the frontline workers and health care workers for whom the gesture was intended for were without PPE gear and coronavirus testing kits. In New York, some people cited the tone-deaf display for triggering 9/11 PTSD. Like they say, it’s the thought that counts, unless the thought is stupid. Photo via Chuck Wagner/Shutterstock.com

May

I just wanna fly: If we at Metro Times learned anything about our fellow Michiganders, it’s that y’all are thirsty for the Blue Angels because nothing says “thank you for risking your lives during a global pandemic” quite like a flashy — and expensive — military aircraft performance. Detroit was among several spots along the “America Strong” tour led by the Navy Flight Demonstration Squadron, aka the Blue Angels, and the U.S. Air Force Air Demonstration Squadron, aka the Thunderbirds. The gesture was part of a string of multi-city flyover performances intended to honor frontline workers and first responders as a “collaborative salute” in those cities hit hardest by the coronavirus. The cost of a flyover? Well, it’s estimated a Blue Angels flyover could cost $60,000 per hour, but since it’s already accounted for in the Pentagon’s annual budget, who cares, right? Not so fast. Not everyone is thirsty for expensive disruptions, as many people questioned whether the America Strong tour was the best use of resources, considering many of the frontline workers and health care workers for whom the gesture was intended for were without PPE gear and coronavirus testing kits. In New York, some people cited the tone-deaf display for triggering 9/11 PTSD. Like they say, it’s the thought that counts, unless the thought is stupid.

Photo via Chuck Wagner/Shutterstock.com

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