Select your Santorum 

It feels like a million years ago that Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., told a reporter that he hoped the United States Supreme Court would uphold anti-gay sodomy laws and compared consensual gay sex to incest, bigamy, adultery and “man-on-dog” sex. There was a brief uproar, of course, with gay groups calling for Santorum’s head and anti-gay groups defending Santorum. For his part, George W. Bush called Santorum “an inclusive man” — and for once Bush was right. Santorum is inclusive: Straight people don’t have a right to privacy either, according to the equal-opportunity killjoy. He doesn’t even think straight people have a right to use contraception.

Alas, the Santorum scandal didn’t have legs. In fact most of us — myself included — had already moved on to the twin Bill-Bennett-in-Vegas and Ashton Kutcher-in-his-underpants scandals when a Savage Love reader wrote in to say that he didn’t want to see the Santorum scandal fade into political oblivion. SARS suggested that we name a sex act for Santorum, “[so that] this episode will never be forgotten.”

I thought it was a super idea and asked my readers to nominate sex acts for the honor of being known as “a Santorum.” Nominations poured in — more than 3,000! — and I read through all of them. I rejected some of the suggested sex acts for being too broad (oral sex), others for being too rare (man-rimming-dog), still more for being completely fictional (donkey-punching, dirty Sanchez). I also eliminated nominated sex acts that already have perfectly good names (fisting, felching, rimming, scat). What follows are the real contenders. The final decision rests in your hands, Savage Love readers.

o After reading your invitation for suggestions on what sex act could be named “a Santorum,” I was discussing it with friends. I made the point that the obvious answer is “doggy style,” only it’s not terribly creative and it’s already got its own name. Some further discussion resulted in the following idea. It involves three people — the first penetrates the second from behind; the second performs oral sex on the third; the third and first make out above the second. Picture the three people making an upper-case “A.” The beauty of this suggestion is that it is an inherently bisexual or gay act, as there has to be at least some same-sex action in there, regardless of the gender makeup of the trio. And it would almost certainly cause the good senator to blush. —Creative in NC

o Rick Santorum said Americans have no right to private consensual sex, and endorsed police occupation of American bedrooms to ensure that sort of thing doesn’t happen. So why not apply the term to having sex in public, where the senator and the sex police can keep an eye on you? —You Could Knock

o A while back my friends and I were talking about “tossing salad,” and we posed this question: What do you call it when you’re rimming someone and they fart right in your face? My suggestion — “Caesar salad” — was the winner, because it keeps the salad metaphor going while adding the element of an unpleasant smell. But as proud as I am for coming up with “Caesar salad,” I hereby nominate farting in someone’s face while they’re tossing your salad as the “Santorum.” After all, they both involve big annoying gasbags inserting themselves into intimate situations where they aren’t wanted.
—Generating Amazing Santorum Synonyms

o Let’s just make it easy and go for the play on words. Santorum to Santorimming. Put two people in the 69 position doing a double rim job and you’ve got the act of Santorimming. —Not One Worthless Apology Yet

o “Santorum” should describe an act that doesn’t already have a nickname; it shouldn’t be so obscure that no one except extreme pervs will ever actually do it; and it should be something Santorum would absolutely hate. With those in mind I present the following definition: SANTORUM (n): an orgasm induced by anal penetration alone, e.g. “Ashton Kutcher grabbed Joseph-Gordon Levitt by the hips, thrust mightily, and Joseph santorumed on the spot.” It’s a word that can be used by everyone — straights, fags, dykes and inventive loners. And it’s a relatively common occurrence that has no decent name. (I did once come across the word “assgasm” in some bad porn, but that’s a word that can only be used in bad porn.) Finally, it’s the kind of thing a homophobic, snooping probe would just loathe being associated with. —The Anal Linguist

o How about calling condoms “Ricks”? Think about it, this man wants to come between my lover and me, and he’s also opposed to contraception! —Sen. Condom

o Here’s my proposed use of the pigheaded chump Rick Santorum’s family name: To simplify my life as a med student in taking sexual histories of patients, “santorum” could stand for discharge. Instead of having to ask people, “Any burning sensation during urination? Any penile/ vaginal discharge or foul smell?” It would simply be “Any burning sensation during urination? Any Santorum?” That’s much tidier. Plus, Santorum sounds vaguely medical. —Leave My Name Out

o While I agree with the spirit of naming something objectionable (to him) after Rick Santorum, I think it should be a substance, not an act. I would never want to “Santorum” anyone I liked. What a turnoff. Instead, I think it would be better to name some kind of sexual byproduct after him. I nominate the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. As in, “We had a great time, but we got Santorum all over the sheets.” Or better yet, “Before I sodomize my gay, unmarried dog, I like to give him an enema so there won’t be any Santorum.” —Wipe Up That Santorum, Anal Pokers

o No suggestion for the Santorum, but got another one for you: The Jayson Blair. That’s when you lie during cybersex — exaggerate your features, say you’re calling from NYC when you’re really in Oshkosh, plagiarize a clever comment from someone like, well, Dan Savage, to make yourself sound witty and charming. Usage: “Yeah, so then I Jayson Blaired her by telling her I had a 10-inch cock and I was calling from my loft in SoHo.” —Unemployed Billy in Park Slope

 

I think adding “Jayson Blair” to the sexual lexicon is an excellent idea, UBIPS, and your suggested definition is so good we don’t even have to vote on it. Blair, of course, is the New York Times reporter who famously lied, plagiarized, and fibbed his way out of a career. And from here on out fibbing during cybersex shall be known as pulling a Jayson Blair, or “blairing.” But back to Sen. Santorum. We have some excellent options, Savage Love readers. What shall Santorum mean? Making a human upper-case A? Public sex? Farting in the face of someone who’s rimming you? A double rim job? An orgasm induced by anal penetration alone? A new euphemism for condoms? Foul discharge? That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter? It’s up to you, folks. E-mail your votes to me. In two weeks I’ll announce the winner.

Contact Dan Savage at mail@savagelove.net

Speaking of Love & Sex, Savage Love

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