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Savage Love: Coming clean 

Q: I have a dildo that I love, and I was wondering if it's safe for me to use it in both my ass and my cunt. I would clean it in between uses/orifices, of course, and it has a flared base, so it's safe for anal play. —Ass/Cunt Timeshare

A:"First off, never use a toy in the butt and then go straight into vaginal play, because that could result in a nasty bacterial infection," said Jeneen Doumitt, co-owner of She Bop, an awesome sex-toy shop in Portland, Ore. But there is an option for multiple-hole-havin' people who aren't coordinated or organized enough to use two toys — one in the ass and another in the cunt — during a single masturbatory session. "ACT could stack multiple condoms on that beloved dildo," said Doumitt, "and then peel off a used condom before switching orifices." If you don't have a lot of money to spend on condoms, ACT, or if you're allergic to latex, your dildo will have to be cleaned — and cleaned properly — before you move from one hole to the other. But can your dildo be cleaned? That depends on what it's made of.

"Best-case scenario, ACT's beloved dildo is medical-grade silicone, which is nonporous and can be completely disinfected," said Doumitt. "To clean a 100 percent silicone toy, ACT can use antibacterial soap, or a light bleach solution, or pop it on the top rack of the dishwasher. ACT can even boil it — up to 10 minutes. Worst-case scenario, the dildo is made of jelly rubber. Jelly toys not only contain toxic phthalates, they're also porous, which means they can never be fully disinfected. There are other materials, such as elastomer, that don't contain phthalates, but are still bacteria breeding zones, so it's generally a good idea to use a condom with any toy if you're unsure of the material."

Don't know if your dildo is made from a porous or nonporous material? "If it has an odor, especially one that lingers, that indicates a porous toy," said Doumitt. And if the dildo you love is porous, ACT, or if you're not sure what it's made of, your best course of action is to fall in love with a brand-new dildo, i.e., throw away the one you've got, replace it with a 100 percent silicone dildo, and get to work on those holes.

Q: I'm a 32-year-old woman with two young kids, married five years. My husband and I never had an overly exciting sex life, but after the last baby, sex became very, very infrequent. I'm a pretty sexual person, I masturbate regularly, and I have a good sexual imagination. I tried to spice things up by suggesting toys and a bit of light kink, but he wasn't interested. He seems pretty asexual to me these days, and now I just fantasize about other men. Last week, a mutual friend came over to have a drink. When we stepped outside to smoke a cig — just me and the other guy — he kissed me and said, "I'm going to ask your husband if I can fuck you." He did, and surprisingly enough, my husband said go for it! What a night! I got permission to fuck someone else. Now I'm not sure if I want to swing or just fuck other people. Advice please.

—Horny Married Chick

A: Swinging would theoretically involve you and your husband fucking other people, HMC, and if your husband isn't interested in sex, if he's low-to-no-libido or actually asexual, he won't be any more interested in swinging than he is in having sex with you. As for fucking other people: That "go for it" may have been a one-time thing, or it may have been a whenever-you-want thing, but you'll have to check in with your husband to find out which. It's possible that your husband is interested in cuckolding and knowing you're messing around with other men will awaken his libido, and it's possible that he's neither interested in sex nor threatened by the prospect of his spouse getting it elsewhere. Have a conversation with your husband about what is and isn't allowed going forward — talk about what you want, talk about what he wants, talk about safety and respect and primacy — but have that conversation when (1) you haven't been drinking and (2) there's not a gentleman caller with a boner waiting outside the front door.

Q: What would you say to a woman who was forcing you to choose between her and the photos of your late first wife?

—A Youngish Widower

A:"Goodbye and good riddance, you cruel and psychotic piece of shit."

Q: I'm a straight man with a bisexual wife, married a little over two years. She got me started listening to your podcast and opened up my mind to alternative relationships. Our arrangement at present is a semi-open kind of thing. She gets some female action on the side, and I, in theory, get a happier, lustier wife who will, if her "friend" is game, include me in threesomes. Our first threesome is happening soon. An old friend/sex buddy and my wife are mutually attracted, and plans are being made. There are some red flags: My wife, who had previously gotten off on the idea of seeing me with another woman, has decreed penetration off-limits. She really doesn't seem all that thrilled about my having any contact with the other woman at all. Meanwhile, the friend has told my wife that she can include me if she wants, but it's my wife that the friend wants. What do I do? I seem to be the only one who wants me to even be involved in this threesome. Do I just keep all my attention on my wife? Do I just watch or even stay out completely? I love my wife and don't want to create conflict, but I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here.

—Uncertain In Canada

A: I would skip this particular threesome, UIC, if I were you — there's no bigger boner killer than knowing you're not wanted.

And, like HMC above, you need to have a talk with your spouse. You signed off on her being with other women on the condition that you, in the context of the occasional threesome, would get to be with other women, too. If your wife isn't into that — if she's too threatened by the prospect of seeing you with/inside another woman to keep up her end of the bargain — you need to renegotiate your agreement about openness, and reverting to a closed relationship should be on the table.

That said, forgoing penetration the first time you have a three-way isn't that monumental a sacrifice — if oral and mutual masturbation are still on the menu.

On the Lovecast, how Dan met Terry, 20 years ago:

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