Relighting the fire 

Q: I feel a bit awkward asking strangers questions about my relationship, but I am at a crossroads. I feel as though my wife and I have reached a boring level in our relationship. We have a 2-year-old daughter and we both are very busy with work and life. This leaves little time for freaky sex. We do what I call "take-the-edge-off" sex and very rarely have a good-natured romp. My wife says she is totally comfortable going through the motions of our daily life. She tells me that she got all her craziness out of her system when she was younger. She is only 29. I am 33 and still as horny as a 16-year-old boy. I can't help but feel a little jealous since some of her craziness was before we were together. She has very plainly stated that my attentiveness in bed has allowed her to have her first orgasm during sex. I suggested we try role-playing, but to no avail. She will have nothing of the sort. She says that I totally please her and that once her sexual palate is satisfied she can go for quite a while without it. I just want more. We have been together nine years and she says I am still the same, but she has changed. I have a wanting to pursue other physical interests. I have told my wife this and she suggests that I should do what I want if she can not satisfy me. At one time we could not get enough of each other. What should I do?

A: First, learn a fact of life or two. The arrival of a child does much to curb "freakiness" in many people's lives. She who is usually the main child-care provider has many of her touch needs met in this way and is often sleep-deprived. After many years together many couples have to plan for time and opportunity for the good-natured romps that used to occur spontaneously. If something that involves you has become boring, it is your job to do whatever it takes so that you are not bored. That usually involves investing some creative thought, time and energy. Finally, if after discussing all these things with your wife in detail and doing some problem-solving together, the solution she and you come up with is still your "doing what you want," believe her and do it.

Q: My boyfriend and I recently rented Road Trip. One of the college students in the film experiences what was called "milking the prostate" to bring him to ejaculation for a sperm specimen. The nurse inserts two fingers into his rectum and does something. Is it a real technique? How is it done? P.S. I hear you're very nice.

A: What the nurse did was stroke and/or press the prostate gland in such a way that ejaculation was triggered, but probably not orgasm. Your doing the same thing to your guy might stimulate both. If prostate stimulation alone doesn't do it for him, suggest he stimulate his penis at the same time. P.S. I can be.

Q: I'm really curious about my being turned on when I’m fantasizing about hearing people vomit. Have you heard of this? I'm wondering what it stems from. Any information would be helpful.

A: The only information I can give you on your own psychosexual development is that something like this becomes erotic when it becomes associated with erotic feelings early in life. If you were masturbating and this was going on in the background, or if someone threw up and then came and did lovely things to your body, such an association might be made. If you want to know more it's up to you to go digging into your psyche, perhaps with the aid of a psychoanalyst.

Q: I am a 35-year-old woman married for 10 years. While I am sleeping my husband takes my temperature rectally. I wake up scared and ask him what he's doing. He says he wants to know if I have a fever. I think he has a sick fetish. I'm sleeping in another bedroom with my door locked at night, and I'm really considering divorce if he keeps this up. I hope he sees this printed and, if so, he will be very embarrassed.

A: Some very important communication seems to be missing here: Is this something he does often? Have you told him that you don't like it and to cut it out? Is he interested in some anal penetration that he doesn't think he can get in any other way? Have the two of you ever played doctor during waking hours? There's no reason for him to feel embarrassed if he sees this in print. Maybe it's the best way to get you two talking. Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum (www.askisadora.com) or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions

Speaking of Love & Sex, Ask Isadora

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