On drama queens and their enablers 

Q: My boyfriend, Jason, is having problems with a boy named Roger who is obsessed with him. But because Roger is friends with Jason and Jason’s friends, Jason won’t just tell him off. Roger had the audacity to call Jason today and ask about our sex life. Roger is not only making Jason’s life hell, but he is also making their shared friends’ lives hell. On top of it all, Roger called Jason’s ex, Cody, and told him about me being around the dorm, which may sound petty, but Cody is a very sweet boy and does not need Roger making him feel like shit because of the fact that Jason is dating someone new.

I don’t want to get in the middle of this, because it’s not my place, though Roger has made an effort to drag me in. I just want to know if you have any ideas I can relay to my friends and Jason as to what to do about Roger? —Really Mean Friend

A: Ah, college drama.

Your letter really took me back, RMF. When I was a freshman in college and dating Ricky, a sophomore, I was also fucking Randy, a senior, at the same time. Randy knew about Ricky, but Ricky didn’t know about Randy. Are you with me? The fact that Randy had another boyfriend, a grad student also named Ricky, didn’t really bother me because I was cheating too, you know? So everything was cool and I was getting laid like crazy. But then my Ricky found out about Randy and Randy’s Ricky found out about me and we were all convinced that the world was coming to an end. But we were wrong. The sun kept coming up, RMF, and we quickly realized that we were just a bunch of silly faggots with too much time on our hands and too much cock in our mouths.

Which brings me to you and Jason and Roger and Cody.

Your desire to make Roger the villain in this little drama is understandable. You’re dating Jason, and you don’t want to think ill of him. But Jason is the problem here, RMF, not Roger. While Roger sounds like a deluded asshole, it’s Jason’s reluctance to tell Roger to fuck off that’s keeping this drama alive. Roger is creepy and obsessed and he makes Jason’s current boyfriend and ex-boyfriend uncomfortable—so why exactly does Jason maintain a friendship with Roger? Because Jason enjoys being the lead in the Jason/RMF/Roger/Cody show, just as I enjoyed being the lead of the Danny/Ricky/Ricky/Randy show. Just the fact that you wrote this letter, not Jason, speaks volumes.

So what do you do? You let Jason know that he needs to tell Roger to fuck off or you’re through. And if you’re looking for someone to date, well, that Cody person sounds like a sweetheart.


Q: My boyfriend recently moved out of state. He said he had to get his stuff from his ex-fiancee. The next time he called me, he was in a different state than he originally told me he was going to. Now, he’s talking about getting a job for a year in a completely different state. I’ve broken up with him, but we can’t seem to stop calling each other to chat — and argue. I thought we were closer and that he really loved me, but I don’t know why he’s changing his mind constantly. The last time we argued, he said he just wants to be left alone. Then he called me three times. Why do men get involved in relationships if they’re not serious? He’s way older than me — wouldn’t an older guy be ready to get serious? —Crushed In Seattle

A: You thought you were close and you thought that he loved you, CIS, but guess what? You thought wrong. Now get the fuck over it. So no more phone calls, no more chats, no more arguments, ’K? While we may not know what your ex wants, or even where he wants to live, we do know what he enjoys: emotional entanglements. Why did he leave his precious stuff with his ex-fiancee? Because he’s probably doing to her what he’s doing to you — calling, chatting, arguing, playing games. Since he can’t give you what you want (commitment), CIS, don’t give him what he wants (drama).

And file this away for future reference: “Way older” guys who date way younger women are a lot of things, CIS, but they’re very rarely serious.


Q: I’m having an argument with a friend. He’s 30 years old and whenever he has sex with a woman who has a child, he says, “Oh yeah, dude, she was a total MILF.” These are women in their late 20s/early 30s with young children. I was under the impression that a “MILF” (Mother I’d Like to Fuck) was a title only given to mothers by adolescent males, usually the friends of the son of said mother. As in, “Dude, your mom is a total MILF.” My friend insists that any attractive woman with a child can be a MILF, regardless of her age or the age of her kids. By his definition, a 16-year-old with a baby could, technically, be considered a MILF. This doesn’t seem right to me. What do you think? —Minorly Interesting Linguistic Formalities

A: MILF status is entirely in the eye of the beholder, MILF. If a woman is a mom and some guy wants to fuck her — and he wants to be crude about it — then he can describe her as a MILF.


Q: I’m surprised that you let UNCLE off so easy. He was the man in last week’s column that wanted to “have a dialogue with [his] nephew about masturbation.” He’s obviously a pervert, Dan — in the bad way. In two paragraphs he shared more about his masturbation habits than I know about any of my relatives’, and I’m pretty open. (I’ve had sex with my boyfriend in front of my brother while he had sex with his girlfriend in front of us, thanks to some strong ecstasy, so I’m no prude.) After reading his letter it seemed impossible to believe that UNCLE would show any restraint with his nephew. And, more to the point, what information could his nephew possibly need? He’s 17 and uses condoms and blow-up dolls, so he’s obviously been going at it for a few years.

The thought of a 53-year-old talking to a minor about masturbation is creepy enough, but it’s much creepier when they’re related and the minor is very close to not being a minor anymore. At 17, there’s nothing this kid needs to learn about the subject, and certainly nothing that his funny uncle needs to share. —Perturbed About Uncle’s Lechery

A: This is how it’s done, Mr. President and Mr. Vice President: Oh, gee. I made a mistake. I fucked up. Gee, I’m sorry about that.

You’re right, PAUL, I was far too gentle with UNCLE. I found his letter discomforting, to say the least, and I made my suspicions clear in the first line of my response: “Are your motives pure, UNCLE?” But I should have blasted UNCLE. Instead, the bulk of my response was given over to general advice for people whose younger relatives want to ask them about sex: “... be cool, calm, informative, reserved, restrained and respectful.” But there’s probably no way a creepy old perv with boundary issues could take that advice to heart. So, UNCLE, the advice I gave you last week is inoperative. Refrain from discussing sex with your nephew, you creepy old perv.

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