See our Best of Detroit 2020 winners.

Nursing a grudge 

White's nurse fetish

Last year the Center for Nursing Advocacy bestowed on Jack White their Golden Lamp Award for "Worst Portrayal of Nursing in the Media" for his song "The Nurse" off Get Behind Me Satan. In a huffy, rather scholarly analysis of its lyrics, the organization concluded that White was an ego-bruised nurse-hater with mommy issues, and should be taken to task for upholding wrongheaded stereotypes of medical professionals everywhere. Not surprisingly, the Coke-touting Jack White disagreed with the CNA's findings, and last week he retaliated with a "Metaphorical Ignorance Award" for CNA executive director Sandy Summers. "For the outstanding inability to recognize metaphor, and ridiculous sense of ownership of the word 'nurse,'" intoned the words, printed on what looks like an IHOP placemat.

In the spirit of giving, Hit Singles would like to bestow our own award on Nashville's White and the CNA. It's called the "Stop Bickering, and, hey! — how 'bout an Enema Instead?" trophy.

When in Hooterville ...

How-dee! The Spring Hootenanny is this Sunday, May 7, at Xhedos Café in Ferndale. Hosted by Deb Agolli, performers at the event will include Thomas Trimble (American Mars) and Paula Messner (Candy Band). The event also celebrates the recent release of Family Hootenanny, April Jones-Boyle's latest comp that gathers up the local talent and turns them loose on a rash of old-timey, kid-friendly songs. See, April's a mom. But she's still a big music fan, and knows that you can listen to only so many Barney or Wiggles CDs before you go bonkers. The solution? Family Hootenanny. No purple dinosaurs here, just a little something in the way of truly all-ages entertainment. Jawbone sings the praises of "Popsicle Soup" ("You can eat with a straw, man!"), Blanche's Dan John Miller channels his inner baby for "Playpen" ("Oh, stuck in the playpen again ..."), and The Go gets all 1910 Fruitgum Company on our asses with "Knock Knock Banana." Family Hootenanny is an extremely limited run, so rush right over to Xhedos and grab your copy.

Not another Sights blurb!

"I'm not really sure if Pete's in the band. It's more like we're courting each other, and in the beginning stages of a beautiful relationship." That's Sights ringleader Eddie Baranek, responding to Hit Singles' query of whether pedal steel guitarist Pete Ballard (Bulldog) has become a full-time member. So while that sounds like a solid maybe from Baranek, here's what we know — if you've caught any of the Sights' recent performances with Ballard, you're probably already digging the pedal steel sound. Stay tuned.

RIP, Keith Bender Jr.

Hundreds of mourners gathered at the New Galilee Baptist Church last week to mourn Keith Bender Jr., the Gulf War veteran who Deshaun "Proof" Holton shot and killed on April 11, in an after-hours dispute at the CCC Club.

Associates of both men might disagree on the details of the dispute, but they do agree on one thing: The violence has to stop.

And that was also the message preached by Rev. Horace Sheffield III at New Galilee, just as it was by Rev. Wendell Anthony at Proof's funeral a week earlier. "A man should not have to go overseas, dodge bombs and then come home and die in his own back yard," Sheffield said. Proof's name was never mentioned during the two-hour ceremony, and Bender's loved ones leaned on faith to help them through the grief. But even with the effort to understand the tragedy through both tears and calls to end the violence, the service still felt like the last sentence in a story where everyone loses.

Send bitch-slaps, quips, tips and rants to hitsingles@metrotimes.com

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