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Meet my needs or meet the door 

Q: I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man for four months. He treats me better than anyone I’ve ever been with. (I’m 29.) The problem? I’m very adventurous sexually. I’m a freaky girl. I like to be spanked, choked, fisted and I’m into anal sex. He’s a straight-laced officer in the armed forces, and while the sex we have is great, he refuses to indulge me in even one of the previously mentioned activities. As a result, in the past month or so I’ve had three flings with other men in order to get those needs met. I care deeply for him and hate the fact that I’m cheating, but feel that he is letting me down as far as the give-and-take goes. I’ve made my desires known to him repeatedly. He told me not to ask anymore because the answer will always be no. My question is, should I try to subtly clue him in to the fact that he’s driving me to other men with his hang-ups? Is there a solution to this that doesn’t involve infidelity? —Woman In Trouble Loves Earnest Straight Soldier

A: You no doubt brought this problem to me, WITLESS, because you expected I would sympathize with you. My feelings about monogamy are well-known (I’m not a fan), and if there’s a more choke-, spank-, fist- and buttfuck-positive advice columnist out there, I’d like to meet, choke, spank, fist and fuck him. I’ve also urged people who refuse to indulge their partners’ kinks to either give ’em permission to explore their kinks with others or reconcile themselves to being cheated on.

However! Your boyfriend’s refusal to indulge all of your kinks, WITLESS, doesn’t excuse your appalling behavior. Yes, a frustrated kinkster is likely to cheat. But “he’s letting me down as far as the give-and-take goes” is the most puh-fucking-thetic rationalization for cheating that I’ve ever heard. My God, WITLESS, you’ve only been with him for four months and you’ve already cheated on him with three other men? An ethical kinkster would have invested a little more time in a wonderful man she claims to care deeply about before she started running around on him.

“But he’s told me not to ask again!” you cry. So he’s basically said this to you: “If you loved me, you would stop asking to be spanked, choked, fisted, buttfucked, etc.” The correct response to that statement is not to start fucking other people and then drop subtle clues that his hang-ups are compelling you to be unfaithful. The correct response is this: “If you loved me you would make some sort of effort to meet my sexual needs!”

If that doesn’t move him, WITLESS, then an ethical kinkster would say this to her wonderful man: “Look, sweetheart. If you’re not going to indulge me, you’re going to need to give me permission to do this stuff with other guys or we’re going to need to break up so I can find a wonderful guy who isn’t so sexually repressed. Pick one.”


Q: I am a white, 21-year-old lesbian girl. My mom thought my room was too messy recently and went in to clean it. She found my “goodie bag,” and it contains some pretty darn good goodies. Pot, pipes, a leather harness, assorted vibrators, etc. It also contained my stash of big-black-cock-on-teenage-white-girl DVDs. I may have made peace long ago with my odd fetish (nothing illegal, no one underage), but my mother was scandalized. She has loved me for many years as her lesbian daughter, and this was too much for her to take. She says she “doesn’t know me anymore.” How do I deal with my mother? —Lesbian Utterly Stumped Today

A: How do you deal with your mom, LUST? First you say, “Jesus Christ, Mom! Stay the fuck out of my room!” She wasn’t dusting the inside of your goodie bag, LUST, she was snooping, and I’ve got a message for your mom and all other snoopers out there: When a snooper learns something disturbing about a snoopee, the snooper has only herself to blame. If your mom absolutely insists on discussing your taste in pornography, assure her that a significant percentage of lesbians enjoy watching hetero porn, and 100 percent of lesbians absolutely hate discussing the subject with their mothers. If she presses you on the subject, start asking her intrusive, inappropriate questions about her sexual tastes.

And finally, LUST, you’re not a child. You’re a big, grown-up dyke who’s into big-black-cock-on-little-legal-white-girl porn. Maybe it’s time to move yourself, your goodie bag and your DVD collection out of your mother’s house.


Q: I’m a 24-year-old male and I lost my virginity to my girlfriend last year. She is three years younger than I am, but I am the 10th man that she has fucked. This is not a problem with me as I am not a jealous guy. What bothers me is that she is unwilling to perform oral sex on me. I enjoy giving oral to her. I am really in love with her and could see myself marrying her but I need to be assured that I will get a blow job at some point in my life. She says she doesn’t like the taste of semen, which makes me just the slightest bit jealous because that means she has done this for other men but won’t do it for me, a man whom she is ostensibly considering marrying. —Been Lost Oral Woman

A: Dump her, BLOW. Sucking cock can no longer be regarded as some sort of above-and-beyond-the-call indulgence. Blow jobs are standard. Any make or model that doesn’t come with blow jobs should be immediately returned to the showroom.


Q: I am a GGG girlfriend, and I’m up for pretty much anything my boyfriend wants to do. I also love giving head, and he loves receiving it. But he will not reciprocate. We talked about it, and he said he just doesn’t eat pussy. This really bothers me, but should I just deal with it if I like him, or is it a dump-worthy problem? —Wanting More

A: Dump him, WM. Eating pussy can no longer be regarded as some sort of above-and-beyond-the-call indulgence. Cunnilingus is standard. Any make or model that doesn’t come with cunnilingus should be immediately returned to the showroom.


Q: I work in an office at the Texas House of Representatives. Last week the house passed an amendment to the Child Protective Services bill saying not only that gay people can’t be foster parents, but also that if you already are a foster parent and are discovered to be gay, your children will be taken away from you. This week they passed a bill to amend the Texas Constitution to invalidate any legal agreement similar to marriage for same-sex couples.

Every day the Texas House opens its session with a prayer. Representatives bring in pastors from their districts. The prayers usually sound something like, “God knows what he wants you to do today … let God guide you in your important decisions.” I was wondering, if you were to write a prayer invoking the name of God before the Texas House of Representatives, what would you say? —Gay Government Employee

A: “Dear God, deliver me from Texas.”

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