Love by the numbers 

Q: I am a 31-year-old African-American female, educated, very well-built, 5-foot-7-inches, 167 pounds, 40 DDD-29-40. I am a Scorpio with an extremely high sex drive. I am engaged to a very well-endowed (9 inches long, 6-and-a-half inches around) African-American man. Recently I had a one-night affair with an Italian male (9-and-three-quarter inches long, 6-and-three-quarter inches around) who had even better stamina than my boyfriend. I have to admit that he wore me out and got the best of me, which my boyfriend never has. Do I break off my engagement for this guy? I can't stop thinking about him.

A: First of all, put away the damned measuring tape. What earthly difference does it make that your breasts are a triple D or that man No. 2 has three-quarters of an inch more than your fiance? Life and love are far more than statistics. If your fiance doesn't satisfy you in bed it sure isn't about his penis being too small. If you need him to last longer, then ask him to work on that. That's a changeable statistic. If there is so little between you that you'd end it your engagement to pursue a one-night stand, maybe it's best to end it anyway. The perfect perpetual penis does not exist ... unless you'll settle for a dildo.

Q: My wife of 13 years has lost interest in sex. I've tolerated her denial of her lack of sexual interest for the past five years. She points out trouble in our time together despite the three daughters which our marriage has produced out of love for one another. We get along well outside of the bedroom, but when I can get her into bedroom it is a disaster. She has never enjoyed kissing. She does not want her breasts touched or her nipples sucked as part of foreplay. Oral sex is completely out of the question. The only sex position she will engage in is missionary. This year we have had sex once which I basically did to make her feel good as both Father's Day and our wedding anniversary went by sexless. I will not grovel to have sex with her and have suggested numerous times that we go to a counselor. She is a computer systems engineer. I'm a handsome professional engineer and have been solicited for sex on numerous occasions over the years, but have always declined out of fidelity. How do you suggest I (we) proceed from here?

A: What are you willing to do if nothing changes? Go outside the marriage? Leave her? Make some changes within the marriage with no guarantees? Hear some unpleasant truths about your wife's perceptions of your marriage "trouble"? The latter is the hardest and possibly the most productive. Once you are quite clear on what you are willing to do about this miserable situation, approach her and tell her your feelings and ask her to join you in counseling. Make sure she understands that its purpose is fixing your marriage for your mutual benefit or else finding a way to come apart with the least amount of destruction to all members of your family. Since it took several years to get where you are, don't expect a quick fix. And don't expect things to get better on their own without effort on your part too.

Q: When I was a senior in high school I fell in love with a great guy. While we remained virgins after dating for six months, we still became intimate. I really enjoyed cuddling with him completely naked. We keep in contact, but college has separated us by 3,000 miles. My college roommate and I get along extremely well. We do things together on weekends that have helped me cope with the absence of my love. I began having the same feelings toward her that I have toward my boyfriend. I finally told her. She said she had the same feelings for me but kept them to herself because she knew I wasn't gay, then admitted that she is gay. We cried, we hugged, and the next thing I knew we were in bed together completely naked and it felt as great as it did with my boyfriend. How can I possibly have the same feeling for a woman as I could for a man? What is wrong with me?

A: All that's wrong is that you are young and inexperienced. Affectionate skin-to-skin contact feels good — male, female, even animal. The sexuality of many people is far more fluid than just gay or straight. Do some reading on bisexuality, perhaps attend a college sex-education class or campus discussion group. Rather than panic, learn and explore. Isadora Alman is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her via this paper or [email protected] Her Sexuality Forum is at

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Speaking of Love & Sex, Ask Isadora

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January 26, 2022

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