Humping the handicapped 

Q: I am a 22-year-old virgin going to college in Texas. I have never had a girlfriend (I’m from a stupid foreign culture, my mom doesn’t allow dating, etc.) and will wind up in an arranged marriage in two years. But I’m still horny. Sometimes I see girls on campus who are disabled or burn victims or something like that. They are the kind of girls no guy would want to have sex with. I am sure they know this and that it makes them feel sad and desperate. I want to help them. I can’t get into a relationship with them; the only thing I can offer is sex. But how do I do that? It has to be discreet; my mom can’t even get a hint of anything. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to help those girls no one else wants to touch and have some fun while I’m at it. Do you think all this is possible? —Disabled Chicks Will Do

A: If anyone on your campus is sad and desperate, DCWD, it’s a certain 22-year-old virgin who lives in terror of his mother. Compared to that guy, the disabled women and burn victims on your campus are as far from sad and pathetic as humans get. But, hey, what do I know? I’m gay, able-bodied, not a burn victim and not scared of my mommy. For the disabled-girl perspective on your willingness to “help those girls no one else wants to touch,” I passed your letter on to Erin Lewy, an activist and writer who conducts research in disability, identity and sexuality. Erin has run disabledsex.org since January 2001, where she moderates discussion groups on the topic of disability and sexuality. “I think I speak for a great many disabled women when I say that we are unimpressed with DCWD,” Erin told me. “I have a very visible disability, and yet I have been called beautiful, intelligent and amazing — and I have had no shortage of partners and potential partners in my life.” According to Erin, disabled people are not interested in pity fucks. “Disabled people, women or otherwise, actively seek true affection and love just like other people,” she said. “Fortunately for us, there are men and women out there who are actually willing to treat us as the intelligent, funny, amazing, beautiful people that we are.” As for your familial predicament, DCWD, Erin agreed with me: If anyone on your campus is sad, pathetic and desperate, it’s you. “The whole ‘Please don’t tell my mommy’ thing is a hoot,” Erin said. “DCWD may be able-bodied, and he may pity me and the disabled girls he sees on campus. Well, I pity DCWD. But, still, I won’t give him any advice on how to approach these women, because they are better off without him in their lives and the mother that comes attached at his hip. Good luck in your arranged marriage, DCWD, because you’re going to need it.”

Q: The other day, I was at the Laundromat when this good-looking guy walked by. I looked up, saw him and got a boner. That night I went out with a couple guys for beers and he was there. I watched him all evening and he periodically looked at me and smiled! I was about to say hello to him again when he joined his friends and started to use sign language — the guy is deaf. My friends tell me that deaf guys make wonderful lovers but that learning sign language is difficult. The only sign I know is “fuck.” How do you approach someone who is deaf? How hard is communication? What about sex? —Lusting For Deaf Guy

A: “Never approach a deaf person and say, ‘I know this sign,’ and then make the sign for fuck,” advised Zookie, the editor of FLASH, a zine for deaf queers (FLASH can be found at deafqueer.org). “Would you walk up to a hearing person and say that?” With signing “fuck” at the deaf hottie off the table, what’s the best way to approach him? “He should write ‘Hi! My name is blank. What’s your name?’ on a piece of paper,” Zookie told me. “As for communication, a lot depends on the deaf individual. Some of us can talk well, some of us can’t and some fall in between. It may take a lot of patience to be with a deaf person, but remember that for a deaf person it takes a lot of patience with a hearing person.” And what about sex? “What about it? We all do pretty much the same things as you all do. Except hear.”

Q: I’m a guy in my early 20s, nearing the four-year anniversary of dating a girl my age. We recently spent about five months apart, and in that time, I consented for her to “see other people.” Upon reuniting, we seemed back in the swing of things. The only loose end was the make-out buddy she had taken in my absence. She went to dinner with him, intending to break it off. She confessed to me two days later that she wound up back at his place, where she sucked him off and slept over. I feel like stepped-on dogshit, but she has apologized profusely and says she “didn’t mean for it to happen.” Is there any such thing as an accidental blow job? And what would you estimate is the recidivism rate is for this sort of thing? With Christmas at her parents’ place fast approaching, a prompt response would be appreciated. —Gone Unless This Situation Heals Over Time

A: I had another letter with a disability theme lined up but GUTSHOT needed a prompt response, so the woman out there who can’t bring herself to dump the blind guy she’s been dating will just have to wait. You’re right, GUTSHOT, there’s no such thing as an accidental blow job. But when your girlfriend says she “didn’t mean for it to happen,” she doesn’t mean she tripped and fell and gave her make-out buddy a blow job. She means she didn’t go to see him with a malice-aforethought blow job on her mind. She wasn’t planning to suck him off. Nevertheless, at some point she made a conscious decision to do just that. And for that she can be faulted, and for that she sounds truly sorry. I think there are three very good reasons why you should forgive the girlfriend and stay with her: First, you like this girl a lot. Second, this isn’t a clear-cut case of cheating. You gave her permission to “see other people,” and she did just that. The blow job in question wasn’t given on impulse to a stranger she met in the mall. It was a farewell blow job given to someone she was seeing with your consent and approval. Finally, if and when you find yourself on the receiving end of a blow job that doesn’t involve your girlfriend, well, I would advise you to keep your mouth shut. But if she does discover that you’ve cheated on her, you can slap your get-out-of-blow job-free card on the table. Remind her that you forgave her when she blew her make-out buddy and she’ll feel obligated to forgive you — provided, of course, that your cheatin’ blow job didn’t involve her sister, mother or best friend.

Contact Dan Savage at mail@savagelove.net

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