Here Come the Brides 

Just when you think that nothing could possibly be achieved in the field of heavy metal that hasn’t already been done to death decades ago, here come the Brides Of Destruction to single-handedly confirm that the moribund old genre has absolutely nothing left to offer.

Now before you start waving your dope-stained copy of Vinnie Vincent Invasion around in soporific protest, even I gotta admit that Vinnie’s “Do You Wanna Make Love” smells like a fresh bed of roses compared to this sonic stink bomb.

And speaking of beds o’roses, if you want a second opinion, here’s what guitarist Tracii “Judy Garland” Guns has to say about how he hooked up with bassist Nikki “Mickey Rooney” Sixx: “I tracked down Nikki on the Internet and wrote him a quick note. It said, ‘Hey dude! Let’s start a band!’ So we all got in the studio together and sounded like ass! It was really weird. It sucked so bad! But it eventually started coming together.”

Like, it so did not! I’m like, dude, your record so totally still Suxx ass big time! So unless you’re a chain-smoking white-trash teenybopper who trowels on too much makeup and wears a FUTURE PORN STAR tank top under a white fringed buckskin jacket when you and Mom hit the bingo hall every midnight, you should avoid this album at all costs. After all, you don’t want to encourage these runts to make another record, do you? Whoops, too late. …

“We’ve written almost 30 more songs and we’ve just completed six more! We know we’re going to keep writing because we’re songwriters!”

Yeah, you can tell just by the original song titles alone that these Iron Cross wearers are the next Lennon-McCartney: “Shut The F**k Up” (note the sell-out Wal-Mart spelling), “Natural Born Killers” (not the movie sound track song), “I Don’t Care” (not the Ramones song), “Revolution” (not the Beatles song).

So I tell you, over and over and over again my friend, you just don’t need to hear the Brides Of Destruction.

Where’s David Carradine when we really need him?

E-mail Jeffrey Morgan at [email protected].

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