Hard water 

My wise and endearing Uncle Phil classifies beer into two categories: Manly beer and sissy beer. The new DNA Alcoholic Spring Water ($6.99/six-pack at 7-Eleven) would definitely fall into the sissy beer category. I really don’t understand this "pure water that’s lost it’s (sic) innocence."

After consulting the brand’s Web site, www.wetplanet.com, I was informed that "DNA will highjack your imagination, go for it. ... You don’t have to understand it." Apparently my confusion was meant to be.

Basically, DNA is a clear alcoholic fruit-and-spring water malt beverage that comes in an Orange Crush-like bottle featuring a big thumb print (for some nonbiologically sound reason, DNA = thumbprint). The vinyl label peels off so you can "sneak" it anywhere. It boasts a 5 percent alcohol content, which means if you want to get loaded, unless you really enjoy the taste of fruit-flavored Certs and like to pee a lot, it probably won’t be time well spent. Whatever happened to the glory days of malt liquor?

Tom A’Hearn pays attention here every other week. E-mail comments to letters@metrotimes.com

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