Yeah, that's what's got my dander up, my knickers in a twist, my panties in a wad, if you will, because come on, what the fuck am I supposed to do about all that other shit, huh? Protest? Light a candle? Don't buy oil?
Fuck all this oil shit. I'm so sick of having to be careful with the oil and conserve the oil and don't spill the oil and only get the oil from places that have already been despoiled. So look, let's just get it over with and Use Up All the Oil. Let's get it all, wherever it is. Let's track it down to its holes and smoke it the fuck out, every great goddamn good-to-the-last-drop of oil. If we Use It All Up, nobody will fight over it, right? Everybody who can should just buy the biggest stupidest Humm-Job or Excursionator or whatever and just leave it running all the time. Look, I'm no Business Expert, but I'm pretty sure when there's no more oil, that will create some of that "supply and demand" economy-type action on these automobile makers (who will all of a sudden be manufacturing a product that has no fuel) to make one of those hydrogen cars or something.
Man, when there's no more oil, it's gonna be great. Trust me. There's gonna be all kinds of sailboat cars and solar-panel cars and electric cars and nuclear cars when there's no more oil. It's gonna be swell, having an Atomic Cruise Missile Chrysler or a shiny new Cadillac Eldo-Hydrogeno with 22-inch rims and a plasmatronic DVD satellite radio and shit. But that's a little while off, and since I already did my part and took care of the hard brain-type concepting work in my Bold New Plan to Eradicate Oil, I'm gonna do a little detail work and worry about some minor stuff like these pizza places that are trying to kill us, as in us.
Domino's comes out with those Dunkin' Donuts Munchkins-looking dough balls with cinnamon and icing on 'em for you to eat with your pizza because, as we all know, there isn't enough fucking dough already in fucking pizza (already), so you got to go get you 12 more balls of dough for dessert after you eat your pizza pie and drink a two-liter bottle of sugary beverage. And, oh yeah, they're like so wa-aay different because they don't have pizza sauce on them, see? They have icing and cinnamon on them, and there's nothing like stuffing your face with sweetened pizza dough after a huge meal of, say, some salty pizza dough. Yin and yang, doughwise, dig?
And this goddamn fucking Papa John is no better. He's not my papa. This criminal is selling bread sticks made out of dough to go along with your pizza made out of dough, and then, for afters, "Papa" John has the nutritious Cinnapie, which is more fucking dough with cinnamon and icing for you to cram into your doughhole. And of course, the delicious bread-sticks side item comes with "dipping sauce." You are already deep in Fatass Deathpie Country if you are eating anything that comes with dipping sauce, OK?
And what about the Pizza Hut? They got a pizza that comes with cheese on top as standard equipment, but they don't stop there, man, no way. They put cheese inside the fucking crust of the pizza, just in case you needed more. But then — and I gotta say, somebody stayed up late nights figuring this out — they put more cheese on top of the crust that already has cheese inside of it that encircles the main area of the pizza that is covered with cheese. Cheesus Christ, man. And the thing is, that one really got to me when I saw it on the teevee, because the cheese on top of the crust is all golden and round and delicious-looking . . . ohh, my aching pizza-piehole.
So look, stay away from that shit, OK? It weakens the Nation when everybody is lying around eating dough. Go out and get some nice fish or a vegetable or something, and take a couple laps around the block to prepare for outrunning the nerve gas and shrapnel. Joe MacLeod writes for City Paper, where the original version of this feature apperead. E-mail comments to [email protected]
We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Detroit Metro Times. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Detroit Metro Times, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.
Email us at [email protected].
Support Local Journalism.
Join the Detroit Metro Times Press Club
Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.
Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.
Join the Metro Times Press Club for as little as $5 a month.
Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.