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Down with unicorns 

They’re too happy, they poop rainbows, and the Irish Rovers called them out

The Irish Rovers 

The Unicorn


Why do we as a people detest unicorns so goddamned much? Because unicorns are happy and poop rainbows? Because their horn-through-the-head reminds of our worst hangovers? Because as mythical creatures they are as useless as Aquaman except for hanging laundry and maybe ruining a perfectly good beach ball? 

My guess is the reason we do not "heart” these spiked beasties traces back to this annoying slice of sham-rock, which actually charted in the same acid-ingesting 1968 Top 20 as Blue Cheer, Cream and the Balloon Farm. You can't blame the Irish Rovers for gettin' all jiggy with it — they merely called it as they saw it, outlining all of the stupid unicorn's fatal flaws in three chilling, chipper verses. 

Imagine you are Noah, summoned by God to build a fershloogin' ark and forced to gather two of every long-necked goose, and humpty-backed camel. Crikey! Just scooping up two snapping alligators with no backup would be enough to ruin an afternoon. And, naturally, the Almighty, because He's such a stickler and wants to make sure you're paying attention, throws you an aside, "BTW, Noah, don't you forget my unicorns.”

Why you don't excommunicate yourself right then and start worshipping Buddha is anyone's guess. Maybe you have a daddy complex? You do your darnedest for the Big Guy until you come up against His laziest, good-for-nothing creation — unicorns — who just wanna to splash around in the puddles of the Great Flood, that God himself is making, rather than save their slow sorry asses. N'uh-uh! You deserve being flushed down the earth's Ty-D Bol, you worthless horn-botched jackasses. No floating zoo for you!

And, of course, you as Noah are resigned to your fate — the lovely unicorns are the first thing the Big Guy is gonna ask for, following a 10-minute speech about how you can't follow orders. 

The unicorns can be forgiven for dim-wittedness and the Irish Rovers for being way more well-adjusted than the Pogues ever were. But what's unacceptable are the growing number of people on dating sites who, when asked if Noah's Ark was an actual historic event, proudly check yes! Arrgh! Happy St. Patty's! And no floating zoo for you, either!

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Read the Digital Print Issue

March 25, 2020


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