Dan’s plan hits the fan 

Q: I’m sure this won’t be the only response you receive regarding your advice to OBGYN, the pro-choice girl whose pro-life boy refused to have intercourse with her unless she agreed to have the baby if she got pregnant. Why? Because your advice was totally fucked-up. I take 95 percent of what could be considered liberal positions, Dan, but I happen to be pro-life. For those of us who are pro-life, a fetus is more than a political issue. It truly is a life. Obviously this is the case with OBGYN’s boyfriend. What you call his being “controlling,” I call his being honest and upfront with his beliefs.

If she follows your advice, gets pregnant, and has an abortion, she can forget having any real future with this boy. She will have exposed herself to be a self-centered liar willing to dismiss his feelings in order to get laid. He has the right to his beliefs, damn it, and I would have expected you, of all people, to understand that. —Purple State Girl

A: I thought my response last week to the guy who wanted to fuck his brother’s girlfriend — go for it! — would be the one that sent turds through turbines, not my advice for OBGYN. Gee, I had no idea that abortion was such a contentious issue.

But there’s a salient point that my furious readers, pro- and anti-choice, seemed to overlook: I was fucked up when I wrote that column, and I said so.

Still, I stand by my advice, however impaired I was when I wrote it. What’s more, PSG, I specifically reject your characterization of my advice for OBGYN. I didn’t advise her to lie to her controlling boyfriend, get pregnant, and then have an abortion. Let’s go to the videotape: “So if you do stay with him, and you agree (or pretend to agree) to his conditions ...” See? I didn’t tell her to lie. I merely laid out lying as one of her options. I then went on to tell OBGYN to use condoms, take the pill, get a diaphragm and cross her fingers. If she takes my advice on using every available means of birth control at her disposal, she won’t have to worry about getting an abortion.


Q: You told OBGYN to use birth control and “cross your fingers.” There is no need for luck! She can fully protect herself by doing the basics. Pills or hormone patches used correctly give you 99 percent protection, and she should be using a condom too, to protect herself against STDs. If OBGYN takes these two basic precautions, not even the Holy Ghost can get her pregnant. —Over Thirty

A: Thanks for sharing, OT, but didn’t the Holy Ghost knock up at least one teenager already?


Q: Your advice to OBGYN was missing something: They can avoid conflict by avoiding pregnancy. I’ve never heard of someone getting pregnant from anal sex! Also, in the interests of being egalitarian, anal sex should include taking turns. That is, she should strap it on and fuck his anti-choice ass frequently. —Pink Pearl

A: Anal sex — of course! Why didn’t I think of that?

Actually, I did think of that, and it was in the first draft of my advice to OBGYN: “Or let him fuck your ass — but only if you get to fuck his ass too.” But I took it out because I didn’t want to be accused of promoting anal sex acts to impressionable teenagers. That’s Wonkette’s job.


Q: I’m sure I won’t be the only person who points this out, but if OBGYN continues her relationship with her boyfriend and she does get pregnant, there is a distinct possibility that he could harm her physically. Many thousands of pregnant women get beaten or killed all over the world because what they want to decide or have decided about their pregnancies is contrary to what their husbands or boyfriends want. If he’s made his preferences clear, it doesn’t look like OBGYN has any choice but to stop gambling and find someone who isn’t controlling and anti-choice. —Stop Violence Against Women

A: You make a good point, SVAW, thanks for sharing.


Q: Let me get this straight: A girl loves a boy. They have a “sincere moral disagreement” about abortion. Boy adopts an arguably principled stand, i.e., “I won’t fuck you unless I know it won’t lead to an abortion,” a position you endorsed in another column. Girl faces quandary, asks your advice. Your response? Fuck him, what’s he gonna do about it? What?

You disparage him as “controlling.” Why? Because he is willing to control his actions based on principle? So your advice to 18-year-old, newly minted adults in love, is that it’s OK to lie to and manipulate each other? —Fed Up

A: If you hated my published advice to OBGYN, FU, you really would have hated the paragraph I cut that wasn’t about anal sex: “So your boyfriend is against abortion? Yeah, I bet he is. A lot of boys are when an unplanned pregnancy is an abstraction, OBGYN. You can test his anti-choice resolve by telling him you’re already pregnant and then seeing what he says. He may feel a bit differently about abortion when fatherhood and child-support payments are staring him in his pimply-ass face.”


Q: Your excuse for being hungover while writing your last column (“last night’s game went into extra innings, so I had extra beers”) doesn’t seem consistent with the rules regarding alcohol sales at Major League Baseball games. Beer sales end when the seventh inning ends and do not start up again in extra innings. Why lie to your loyal readers? —Beer and Baseball Wizard

A: Because they’re there? Because I can? Just because?

Here’s the whole truth, BABW: Our team was losing in the eighth, so we ducked out early. On our way to a cab, our team tied it up, so we ducked into a bar — me, the boyfriend, the kid — where we watched the rest of the game, which went on for extra innings and extra beers.


Q: In your “Adults’ advice on growing up gay” column, Small Town Diva suggested that gay boys and girls join theater groups because even the “strait” actors are bi. This has got to be one of the oldest stereotypes in the book. I’m a strait actor. While I do meet more gay people than someone in another profession would, I still have more strait actor friends than gay actor friends. If you’re gay and want to be an actor, great. But if you’re gay and expect every actor you meet to be gay too, just move along, please. —A Strait Actor

A: It’s been my experience that most straight people can spell the world straight. But, hey, thanks for sharing, Tom, and give my love to Katie.


Q: As I’m sure you know, there is one foolproof way of assuring a woman has had an orgasm and it isn’t a brain scan. It’s visual and one can get a good view from the doggie style position. Wink, wink. —Tim Watches in Tim’s Chicago Home

A: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about, TWITCH, but I’m passing on your insight in the interest of science.


Q: I noticed you insulted a certain advice seeker by calling him an “unbelievable pussy.” What have you got against unbelievable pussy, anyway? —Pussy Lover

A: You’re not a regular reader of my column, are you?

Send letters to mail@savagelove.net

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Detroit Metro Times. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Detroit Metro Times, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at letters@metrotimes.com.

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Detroit Metro Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Metro Times Press Club for as little as $5 a month.

Read the Digital Print Issue

October 27, 2021

View more issues


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Best Things to Do In Detroit

© 2021 Detroit Metro Times - Contact Us

Website powered by Foundation