A: The Center for Disease Control Web site (www.cdc.gov) had this to say about genital herpes: "The consistent and correct use of latex condoms is the best protection. However, condoms do not provide complete protection, because a herpes lesion may not be covered by the condom and viral shedding may occur. If you or your partner has genital herpes, it is best to abstain from sex when symptoms are present, and to use latex condoms between outbreaks." They also recommended the following resources: National STD Hotline — 800-227-8922 and National Herpes Hotline — 919-361-8488. The virus is not in your semen but exudes through your skin where the lesion occurred. Riding bareback is always risky, but much less so if there is no current sore. Since having herpes puts one at greater risk for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, it's certainly best not to pass it around (although 20 percent of the U.S. adult population are reported to already have the virus.) If you are scrupulous about this, you probably should retain the condom at all times. I think you are doing your duty by telling any prospective partner that you have occasional outbreaks of herpes but that you do not have one now. Then it's up to the doer to assess how much risk he is willing to take. For those bathhouse social butterflies it's apparently a great deal.
Q: After 10 years of marriage my husband and I still have a very satisfying sex life. I find my husband's fantasies become mine because I always play a role. Whenever a male friend takes me out to dinner it thrills my husband to choose a really sexy outfit. I indulged one other fantasy during amateur night at a local bar by dancing topless, quite a stunt for a conservative schoolteacher. One fantasy we share is my having sex with a black man (we are white) while my husband watches. I could easily make this fantasy come true, but I wonder if you think that would be going too far.
A: There are only two people in your marriage; three in your fantasy. Those are the only opinions on the matter that need to count, not mine. His is a common fantasy and, I must warn you, one that is rarely satisfied with a one-time event. Be sure you talk over all the ramifications here before you decide whether to take this risk: will your male friend feel racially "thinged" if asked, duped if not asked? What if you decide you like such stranger sex ... a lot? What if your husband feels bad afterward, or you do? Think long and hard before going forward.
Q: I am a woman and definitely attracted to men. However, when I was a junior in high school my best friend and I would talk about how horny we got when we were on a date and how much we wanted to have sex with our boyfriends, but, for lots of reasons, we resisted temptation. She suggested the two of meet and have sex after we were with our boyfriends. After some awkward attempts our sexual moments were great, with each of us having one or more orgasms each time we got together. I am now in college and have fallen in love with a great guy. The problem is that our sex life is very unsatisfactory. I have yet to reach orgasm. My girlfriend seemed to know just the right thing to do with her hand or mouth to bring me to climax. When she used a dildo there was never such a thing as premature ejaculation; she could keep going and going. I try to tell my boyfriend what I need but it just doesn't seem to work. I want a satisfying sex life with the man I love. I need to know how to achieve it.
A: What I need to know is what's not working. If he isn't lasting long enough in intercourse he could learn better ejaculatory control and/or also use a dildo. If he just isn't using his hand or mouth correctly for you, it's up to you to show him — "higher," "faster," or "like this," maybe on a piece of fruit. Bring a vibrator to bed with you. Finish yourself off with your hand. Some lovers do seem to know instinctively "the right touch." Most can learn if they are willing. Practice may not make perfect, but it will certainly improve things. Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum (www.askisadora.com) or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions
