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Virginity RULZ!! — Dude! Viriginity, is like, so cool! For "proof" check out virginityrules.com, and prepare for an irritating onslaught of wiggling, zooming, noisy Macromedia Flash content (apparently teens who don't have dial-up are just going to have to pop their cherries). The site is run by the East Texas Abstinence Program (E.T.A.P. — insert pun here) and is basically a host for the program's TV spots (available in 45 second downloads — again, insert pun here).

And best to heed the advice of chastitycall.org: "One date may be too late!" A guide for young men and women who want to date but wait, the site offers chastity poems, inspirational talk and a guide to "regaining your virginity." Seriously.

But what about grown-ups who don't want to fuck? Head over to abstinence.net, a "clearinghouse" for adults who just say no (be sure to check out the "Faces of Abstinence" section).

But apparently some wise guy bought up abstinenceonly.com, creating (what we hope is) a joke site that offers "descriptions of graphic sexual abstinence" in a "celebration of non-penetration." According to this site, rubbing is OK, but penetration? No way. The exact wording: "Vigorously rub your face, body and genitalia against those of your faith partner until orgasm (also known as 'faith-fucking')."

The site offers helpful pictorial instructions with a hot dog and buns, as a guide to retaining one's anal virginity.

In case you were wondering, no ketchup was involved.

Know of an interesting, bizarre or educational Web site you’d like to see featured here? Send it to backslash@metrotimes.com

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