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Gorged yourself to the bursting point this holiday, did you? Tired of trying fad diets and cheap speed knock-off diet pills that never help you shed the weight? Well, now there’s finally salvation for your thunder thighs, in the form of ... divine intervention! That’s right, even though there are children starving in foreign lands and our own backyards, and war, death and destruction continue to plague the globe, our benevolent God can still find the time in his busy schedule to shave some cellulite off your fat ass. The Web site offers the following logic:

Do you need to lose weight? Have you tried everything and still seem to gain or stay the same? It is time to take charge and let God!

The site boasts “Prayer Warriors” — people who will pray to God that your butt shrinks. Simply add your name to the list along with the amount of weight you need to lose, kick back with a bag of Doritos and wait for the divine transformation to begin. You can practically feel the pounds and sins just melting away.

But if that doesn’t work, try one of these instead: for handy-dandy, Jesus-approved dieting tips, or, which provides a Christian guide to weight loss in a 22-chapter e-book (but it’ll cost ya $27.95). Or, you can surf on over to for the pressing question, “What Would Jesus Eat?”

After all, if the big man could turn water into wine, couldn’t he remove all the carbs and fat from double chocolate cheesecake?

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Read the Digital Print Issue

April 8, 2020


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