Arrr!! This Monday, when your boss tells you the reports weren’t satisfactory, you should tell the bilge rat to “swab me poop deck and walk the plank, ye land lubber!”

It’s okay, you know, because Sept. 19 is Talk Like a Pirate Day ( The seeds of this now international phenomenon were first sown in 1995, when Oregonians Mark Summers and John Baur began inexplicably talking like pirates during their weekly racquetball game. Add in a Web site, word of mouth and a mention from Dave Barry, and over the years their new “holiday” become a cult hit.

Summers and Baur (their pirate names are Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket) have even managed to snag a book deal, and their new release, Pirattitude, is available on their site. Baur told Metro Times in a 2003 interview, “It was just a dumb guy thing, and I think Cap’n Slappy will agree with me when I say we are two dumb guys.” He said it grew “bigger than we’d ever imagined. We can’t say we thought we’d get millions of people around the world taking part, but they honest-to-God did this year.”

There are all sorts of useful things on the site, like pirate advice, a pirate name generator, pirate links. Be sure to check out the pirate pickup lines, among them: “I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon,” and “Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?”

Speaking of booty plundering, check out the first-ever big budget pirate porn at The film, which should be hoisting sail in September, is supposedly the most “comprehensive and ambitious adult production” to date. Aarrr, that’ll shiver ye timbers!

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