Metro Detroit Aldi grocery stores will offer several boozy advent calendars the day after the election

click to enlarge COURTESY OF ALDI
Courtesy of Aldi

Well, well, well. It's about time someone designed a single product to aid in the effects of holiday depression, election depression, seasonal depression, and whatever that feeling is when you forget what day/week/month/year it is because you haven't left the fucking house since whenever Easter was supposed to happen. Is Easter still a thing? Does anything matter?

To answer the last question, yes. At least one thing matters, and that is Aldi's line of advent calendars — boozy advent calendars, that is.

That's right, Aldi, your neighborhood budget-conscious grocery store, is ho-ho-hoping you're ready to drink your way through December (or, like, whenever) with their annual launch of unique advent calendars, including ones that come with wine, cheese, beer, Irish cream, and, new to the family and a favorite of the Santa Claws, hard seltzer. (Also, legitimately, do not let anyone claiming to be Santa Claws anywhere near your children, OK?)

The 2020 Collection Wine Advent Calendar comes with 24 wines in 187-milliliter bottles and will cost you $69.99. For perspective, each bottle is basically the same size as a glass one might pour immediately after, oh, say, a major global event. A recent unboxing revealed that the wine calendar came with ten reds, four rosé, eight whites, and two bubbly varieties.

Jaime Lees

To pair with the wine calendar, Aldi also has a handsome snack-sized cheese advent calendar. (It's not weird to call cheese handsome, just so you know, people do it all the time.) For $14.99, the cheesy box will offer a selection of 24 pieces of individually wrapped cheeses, some of which are for a more adventurous or drunken palate like the calendar's bright green, sage-infused cheddar.
click to enlarge COURTESY OF ALDI
Courtesy of Aldi

The hot ticket this year is the Vista Bay Hard Seltzer collection, which offers 24 8.5-oz cans of hard seltzer. Think of it as the Aldi equivalent to the fictional Turbo Man action figure from the 1996 Christmas comedy Jingle All The Way. The Vista Bay calendar, which will offer two of each flavor (black cherry, tangy lemon, blood orange, peach, raspberry, lime, green apple, coconut mango, blueberry, mandarin lime, passion fruit, ruby grapefruit, or strawberry) will cost $34.99 per case.

OK, so not all of Aldi's 17 different advent calendars cater to those with a thirst for casual, celebratory, and organized alcoholism. The grocery chain is also offering calendars consisting of candles; coffee; bath bombs; skincare products; crafts; dog and cat treats and toys; Marvel, Barbie, Paw Patrol themes; and the traditional chocolate variety.

Per tradition, Aldi's advent offerings will be available starting the first Wednesday of the month, which just so happens to be Nov. 4, the day following the presidential election. However, some items are not available until the end of the month. Keep in mind these precious boozy items will be limited in quantity and only those metro Detroit Aldi locations that regularly sell wine and beer will offer them.


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