Second Annual Future Shock Quiz: Jack's Predictions

1) What will happen, pray tell, with the Greatest Trial of the Century? A) Mr. Bill resigns on the point of conviction. B) They work out a deal for censure. C) Mr. Bill toughs it out, is acquitted. D) New revelations lead to his actual conviction.My guess: B.

2) Moving along from tragedy to farce, or vice versa: What will happen in the new Kevorkian trial? A) Dr. Jack goes down, is sent to prison, starves, dies. B) The Big Dripper gets convicted of something; goes to jail; is force-fed. C) Geoffrey Fieger comes back and he gets off. D) Fieger doesn’t come back, but he is acquitted anyway. E) Kevo dies before the trial ends.My guess: B.

3) Speaking of coffins: which of these worthies will hit the embalmer’s table first? A) The Queen Mother (England) B) Boris Yeltsin C) Ronald Reagan D) All are still expelling carbon dioxide at year’s end. My guess: C.

4) On Dec. 31, the leading candidate for the Republican presidential nomination is A) Texas Gov. George W. Bush B) U.S. Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz C) Steve Forbes, millionaire D) Liz Dole, wife of Viagra salesman E) Someone else.My guess: A.

5) On Dec. 31, the leading candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination is A) Vice President Al "Chinese cash" Gore B) House Minority Leader Dick "Boring"Gephardt C) Rhymin’ Jesse Jackson D) Former U.S. Sen. Bill "Hoops" Bradley. E) Someone else. My guess: D.

6) At year’s end, the Dow-Jones averages will be closest to A) 9,000 B) 10,000 C) 8,000 D) 6,500 E) Abolished by new Khmer Rouge government.My guess: A.

7) True or false: Experts will agree Detroit’s population is under the magic 1 million figure. My guess: True.

8) Which of these children of God will be under indictment by year’s end? A) L. Brooks Patterson, Oakland County executive B) State Sen. David Jaye, R- Munich C) Geoffrey Fieger D) Don Barden E) All will walk unblemished in the sun. My guess: Unfortunately has been suppressed by my attorneys.

9) The number of casinos open, up and running in Detroit by next Christmas will be A) zero, thank god B) one C) two D) three. My guess: C.

10) The Detroit Red Wings will A) bring home a Stanley Cup once again B) be eliminated in the first round of the playoffs C) be eliminated in a later round of the playoffs D) be renamed the Comerica Cavorters. My guess: B.

11) Scotty Bowman will be A) behind the Detroit bench when the 1999-2000 season opens B) long gone. My guess: B.

12) The Detroit Tigers will A) announce Comerica Park won’t be ready for Opening Day 2000 after all B) improve slightly this year C) be as bad or worse as last year. D) ask newly restored radio play-by-play man Ernie Harwell, age 81, to pitch the three innings he is not on the air. My guess: B.

Brain fully engaged? Steam coming out of your ears? Ganz gut, as the Menschen say over at what used to be Chrysler. Put your completed test in the strongbox, after having it notarized by four witnesses. Unless a sudden chunk of arterial fat clogs my aorta before the pseudomillennium begins, we will be back with more predictions and terribly expensive prizes a year from now.