Spreading santorum

Q: I was listening to the radio today and Rick Santorum was mentioned. The first thought that popped into my head was, “Santorum? That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex?” and not, “Santorum? That conservative prick?” Your column has worked the new meaning so far into my brain that it pops up first! —Santorum Hits In Total

A: Many people have written in to say that “frothy mix” pops to mind first whenever they hear Sen. Santorum’s name on the news, which they’ve been hearing a lot lately, what with him busily undermining abortion rights and bemoaning gay marriage.

Some mail is from readers who are angry about this popping effect. These readers are sick of reading about santorum — the senator and the stain — in my column. To the santorumphobes out there, I say this: There are other advice columns out there, and none of these columns would touch santorum with a 10-foot pole. (I can’t, however, vouch that none of the columnists themselves ever left santorum on a 10-foot pole.) Santorumphobes in need of an advice fix are welcome to read one of these other fine columns this week and then return to “Savage Love” next week, because this week’s column is awash in santorum.

But after this week — I swear to God! — I will not discuss santorum at any length again. The word may come up — this is a sex-advice column, after all — but I will never again define the term in disgusting detail (we all know what it means now). Beginning next week, my efforts to spread the word will move to a dedicated Web site, the address of which appears at the end of this column. But first I want to tend to these santorum-related, uh, loose ends. ...

Q: We’ve had a few orders for santorum shirts from those who work for U.S. senators! I don’t think Rick Santorum is very popular with his colleagues. I’m smiling right now, envisioning Santorum strolling past a Senate aide wearing a “SANTORUM — The frothy mixture that says I love you” T-shirt in the Capitol. “Frothy mixture” is our most popular shirt (available at www.extraugly.com). Did you get the shirts we sent you? —Politicians Out Of Private Stuff

A: I got the shirts, POOPS, and thanks. I’ve been wearing my “Santorum Tastes Like Shit” shirt to the gym, where I’m the envy of the assembled homos.

Q: As a congressional staffer here in Washington, D.C., I have to keep myself from giggling every time I pass Rick Santorum in the Capitol. I typed “Santorum” into Google to see for myself, and I noticed that the page right after your column has a great summary quote: “Rick Santorum had only been in the senate for a few weeks when Bob Kerrey, then Senator from Nebraska, pegged him.” —AC

A: Bob Kerrey didn’t peg Santorum in the Savage Love sense of the word, AC. (Pegging by definition is a woman fucking a man with a strap-on dildo.) On the political Web site counterpunch.org, Jeffrey St. Clair claims Kerrey “pegged” Santorum by saying of his new colleague, “Santorum — that’s Latin for asshole.” If he said it, Kerrey was ahead of the curve on Santorum.

Q: I’ve only heard you use “santorum” in reference to gay anal sex. Does it apply to straight butt sex too? —I Love Straight Anal

A: Straight people have anuses, don’t they? Butt? Of course! And guess what? Straight people pump out a hell of a lot more santorum than gay people.

The best estimate of the number of gay-identied men in the United States and Canada is 3 percent of the male population, or roughly 4.5 million cock-hungry males out of a population of 300 million men and women. According to The Social Organization of Sexuality (University of Chicago Press, 1994), 10 percent of straight men and 9 percent of straight women surveyed reported engaging in anal sex, which works out to more than 50 million straight people buttfucking their brains out. (My figures include children and the aged who, for the purposes of this column, shall be regarded as future straight buttfuckers or retired straight buttfuckers.) The study was conducted a decade ago, and the number of straight people engaging in anal sex has, without a doubt, skyrocketed since then. The santorum produced in North America annually by gay men, ILSA, is but a trickle compared to the tsunami of santorum produced by straight folks.

Q: A former bartender, I wanted to do my part to popularize “santorum,” so this straight man concocted a recipe for the Santorum shot: 1/2 ounce dirty-ass well vodka; 1/2 ounce crème de cacao (dark); a dash of cream; a healthy splash of seltzer water (soda water may work). Place hand over top of shot glass, slam on table, and voilà! A frothy brownish mixture. Tell your bartenders you want a santorum! —Santorum-Haters Open Wide

A: A friendly bartender whipped up a Santorum shot for me, SHOW. It looked appropriately disgusting but tasted absolutely divine! I recommend them!

Q: I’m in the film business in Toronto; I recently worked on the Dawn of the Dead remake, with Zack Snyder directing. We were shooting a scene with Sarah Polley and Jake Weber in which they were supposed to be drinking horrible coffee and commenting about its foul taste. I implored Zack to do one take using the term “santorum” in reference to the coffee. The scene was brilliant; I told Zack that if he kept it in the movie, he’d be making a great contribution to society — and think of all the gossip on the message boards! At the wrap party they played a blooper reel. When they showed the scene with Jake referring to his coffee tasting like “santorum,” half the room exploded with laughter and the other half begged to be let in on the joke. —Rusty In Toronto

A: If the “santorum”scene doesn’t make it into the new Dawn of the Dead, RIT, I hope Zack Snyder can be persuaded to at least include the santorum scene on the DVD.

And now, the new Web site, where santorumphiles can track the spread of santorum, thus sparing santorumphobes from ever having to read “that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” in my column ever again. Santorum sightings, links to Web sites that mention santorum, information on getting the word into The Oxford English Dictionary, and much, much more can be found at www.spreadingsantorum.com.

Contact Dan Savage at [email protected]