Santorum in a sentence

Q: I am new to anal sex and enjoy it, despite the embarrassment of occasional santorum. But is the person receiving supposed to have an enema first? Am I not being sensitive to my lover if I don’t have an enema first and there is some santorum? Is there any etiquette that I’m not aware of and should be following? —What Is Santorum Etiquette, Anal Sex Satisfied

A: Santorum happens. If it only happens once a great while, WISEASS, you don’t have to give yourself an enema before your let someone fuck your butt. Should anyone attempt to make you feel bad about a rare santorum moment, just remind him or her that they’re fucking your butt. While it’s clear that butts were designed for buttfucking — why would they call it buttfucking if they weren’t? — your butt has other duties, like holding up your pants, cushioning your seat and allowing you to eliminate waste. Tell ’em to deal. Then jump in the shower and pursue some other sexual pleasures that don’t involve your temporarily out-of-commission butt. If, however, you find that santorum is always spoiling the moment, you should either administer enemas routinely or be a top exclusively.

Q: Every porno I’ve seen with anal action (gay or straight) is pretty much santorum-free. What’s the secret? All of my anal adventures have ended up with santorum everywhere. I think some kind of super-enema must be involved, while my girlfriend thinks all the porn stars just make themselves take a crap before the shoot. Please settle the debate once and for all. —Santorum-Less Intercourse Must Exist

A: “Both SLIME and his girlfriend got it right,” says Ben Scuglia, editor of Inside Porn magazine. “Gay porn bottoms take a nice dump, and they clear the pipes with a nice, relaxing douche.” Ben recommends Fleet, a disposable enema kit. “Porn buttholes are so cleancleanclean you could eat off them,” Ben continued, and you can see people doing just that in almost all porn videos. “Porn is all about squeaky-clean fantasy; even the ‘dirty’ stuff is supervised and choreographed. Nothing droops a dick faster than santorum slopping all over the damn place, so porn bottoms make sure they’re clean as a whistle. Sure, sometimes a dick dislodges something, but that footage ends up on the cutting room floor.”

Q: Among the many problems in the world I believe santorum is up there at the top of the list, particularly the stain it leaves behind. The pleasure of anal sex is worth any amount of ruined sheets. But as I get older and the number of partners I share my bed with increases, the sheet count starts to add up. I know the old laying down the towel trick, but in the heat of the moment that’s, well, just so anal! So how do you get rid of a santorum stain? That stain queen who shows up on “Oprah” once in a while never mentions santorum. —Save Our Sheets

A: Sorry, SOS, but santorum stains are almost impossible to get out. (One dry cleaner I spoke to suggested gasoline and a match.) This is why I recommend deep blue, forest green, or dark gray sheets to confirmed buttfuckers everywhere. Santorum stains you can’t see aren’t santorum stains you have to worry about.

Q: I worked my way through college as a professional boy-toy, availing myself to anyone with a rubber and a couple hundred bucks. This one guy offered me more money if I’d let him fuck me while “dirty,” as he called it. Needing the money for lab fees, among other things, I wasn’t in a position to turn him down. So he would call me a couple days in advance, tell me to “get ready” (not crap) and proceed to fuck me until my butt was sufficiently covered in crap and lube, basically playing in the santorum until he came. Since he couldn’t find another boy willing to placate his particular desires, I was able to pay my way through college through his love for santorum. This is my equivalent of the GI Bill. God bless Rick Santorum and all he stands for, or at least god bless santorum and the men who love it and are willing to pay to play with it. —My Education Santorum Serviced

A: The new meaning of “santorum” is, what, three weeks old? And already people are trying to pervert it! Santorum is not an inch-thick layer of crap and lube all over your ass, MESS. Santorum is that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. It is never, ever the point of anal sex. Picture an amber-hued froth, MESS, not an inch-thick layer of crap. That’s not santorum, that’s just scat.

Q: Last weekend, traveling to my brother’s wedding, my boyfriend and I decided to spend the weekend at the Ritz (always better than staying with family). As is our usual custom, we partook of many carnal pleasures. Sometimes, to get better penetration during anal sex, my boyfriend uses a pillow to elevate his ass. On this particular trip, our romp caused a fair amount of santorum to spill out and stain the pillow. What would you consider an adequate tip to compensate the housekeeping staff for its troubles in cleaning up the santorum stain? We left $20 for the night. —Made An Icky, Dirty Stain

A: To hell with the housekeeping staff, MAIDS, what about the next poor schmuck who has to lay his head down on that santorum-soaked pillow? For crying out loud, lay down a towel next time, or fuck your leaky boyfriend in the tub, or fuck him on the floor, like the dog he is! But don’t molest pillows that we all have to share, MAIDS!

Q: You treat Sen. Santorum as if he is the only one in the United States to have that name. Let me inform you that there are other Santorums across the country. What about children and teenagers in Santorum families? Imagine them being stuck for the rest of you life with a sex act for a last name! Or, better yet, imagine being “holy fucked” with lawsuits from other folks named Santorum. You’re skating on a very thin ice here, dude. —Santorum Is Not My Last Name, Thank God

A: Sorry, SINMYLNTG, but innocent people named Santorum will just have to deal with it, just like guys named Dick and girls named Peg and people named Lewinsky. If other folks named Santorum are angry about what’s happened to their last names, well, they should direct their anger at the jackass senator himself. He’s the one who brought santorum down on all their heads, not me.

Contact Dan Savage at [email protected]