You da man — or are you?

Q: I am a straight male who just got back from Carnival in Rio. It may have been too much fun. One night I drank too much and ended up getting into a conversation with one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen ... or so I thought. She/he ... whatever I’m supposed to call ’em ... was actually a transvestite. This did not bother me at the time. I loved the double-D tits in my face. She/he was wearing a thong, had a beautiful ass and his/her face was stunning. So stunning that in addition to a lap dance I ended up meeting her/him later. I don’t know why I did this. I think it was to fulfill my curiosity and find out if I was interested in men at all. And it made it easier because she was mostly woman. Ultimately, I couldn’t perform. There was something about her 9-inch cock that put me off. It was kind of in the way, so I just received a blow job.

I feel a little jilted; will this pass? Also, is there a large possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted disease? I would imagine that a transvestite in Brazil who gives random American guys blow jobs for free is, uh, highly active, sexually speaking. I’ve been reading your column for about four years now and I love it. Now I need your input. —What A Dummy

A: Let’s get the STD issue out of the way first: The odds of contracting an STD from a lap dance-givin’, tourist-blowin’ trannie in Rio are probably sky-fucking high, so here’s hoping the head was good. I would advise you to set your Personal STD Terror Alert Status at Code Orange, WAD, and act accordingly. Like Tom Ridge is always telling us, “don’t panic, but remain alert.” Keep an eye on your dick — sores? burning sensations? falling off? — and even if no symptoms appear, go get tested for absolutely everything sometime soon.

As for your other issues, you claim to feel “jilted.” I’m not sure what you mean by that. Did the nice lady with the 9-inch cock leave you for another tourist? Or did you want the nice lady with the 9-inch cock to come back with you and be your wife? Or by “jilted” do you mean, “I got head from a dude and I’m freaking out!” If you’re freaking out, rest assured that it will pass. You took a walk on the wild side and got yourself some head under a unique set of circumstances. Luckily for you, WAD, the nice lady with the 9-inch cock was not your next-door neighbor, a co-worker or your girlfriend’s younger brother. Since the nice lady with the 9-inch cock is on one continent and you’re on another, it’s extremely unlikely that you will ever see the nice lady with the 9-inch cock again. That should make putting the whole pleasurable business behind you that much easier.

Unless you have a burning desire to do this again — and some “straight” guys do this sort of thing again and again, and most pay dearly for the privilege — you’re not queer. The nice lady with the 9-inch cock turned your crank, it’s true, but she turned it with the fake tits, the girlish ass, the beautiful face, and not — not, not, not — the cock. She presented herself to you as a woman and you responded to her as a woman. Which means you’re still the man.

Q: I’ve been seeing this older man (41) for about four months now. His kink is to watch me have sex with other men, and then humiliate him by having him lick their cum off me. Because I’m young (19) and adventurous, and because I like this man very much, I’ve indulged his fantasy six times. But the more I do it, the queasier I get. He likes to think of me as his slut, but I think I’m a good girl at heart. I play the game because I just want to please my man. I want to stop picking up strange guys, to move in another direction, but he’s threatened to leave me if I stop being his slut. He tells me he could only be with a slut. I think I love him and I want to make him happy. What should I do? —Some Lost Uninhibited Teenager

A: If you’ve had sex with six guys in four months, all of whom were one-nighters, you’re not playing a slut, SLUT, you are a slut. Which would be fine, I suppose, if this was your fantasy too and you loved it every bit as much as this 41-year-old creep. But it’s not your fantasy, SLUT, and you don’t love it. You’re being used and manipulated by an older man — a man who is exploiting your youth, your inexperience and your feelings for him so that you’ll indulge him in his freaked-out fantasies. I’m generally in favor of older people exploiting younger and less-experienced people but on one very important condition: The older person shouldn’t do any harm to the younger person. Sexually active young people need to be treated like campsites — they should be left in better shape than they were found.

In your case, SLUT, I don’t think your 41-year-old lover is going to leave you in better shape than he found you. They’re his fantasies — but you’re the one running the big physical and emotional risks. If anyone is going to wind up pregnant or raped or infected or emotionally devastated, it’s you. And, I’m sorry, but any 41-year-old who turns to a 19-year-old for these kinds of kicks isn’t exactly long-term-relationship material. You’re not the first girl he’s talked into this, SLUT, and you won’t be the last. You can salvage your self-respect and your “good girl” status by ending this relationship yourself, and ending it now.

Q: I hope this e-mail doesn’t get lost in a crowd of “You’ve got to be kidding me!” or “I’ll do it for her!” responses to the letter in your column from the woman who wants a black eye. I’m a straight guy who has the same desires. For a long time, I have been trying to find others who share this particular kink. There’s no doubt about it, it’s not something that should be done with any great frequency, and I’m more interested in finding others who are into it than I am into doing it often. So far, I have met one or two people who want to watch. A good friend helped me start a Yahoo group (, but I’m not sure how to find the right audience for it. It seems like people with this kink are few and far between, and people who have it are not likely to know many others who share it. How do you get a community together when nobody who is into this is open about it? —Punch Me Too

A: How do you get a community going, PMT? You write me, I publish your letter — and with any luck, your newsgroup takes off.

Contact Dan Savage at [email protected]