Defining our times

A wise man — me — once said that crises beget new nomenclatures. Lest loyal readers fall behind the times, I offer this handy glossary of the millennial lexicon, compiled by ambient gallows humorists and others with dreadful habits.

Airport Security: Try as we might, we could find no meaning for this term.

Ahmad Rashad: Bobby Moore.

Al-Jazeera: Arabic-language version of CNN. Its highly objective reporters regularly refer to suicide bombers as “martyrs.”

Al-Qaeda: Texan for “Evildoers.” Couldn’t these guys have just staged a Million Mullah March? Also, Gary Condit’s favorite terror group.

America’s New War: Logo employed by CNN, America’s News Whore.

Anthrax: Bad speed-metal band whose members actually stated that they no longer think the name is cool.

Anti-Terrorism Bill: Mein Kampf.

Arafat, Yasir: Have you noticed that you never see Yasir and Ringo together?

Ashcroft, John: The West’s version of a Taliban zealot. Makes one nostalgic for Janet Reno.

Banfield, Ashleigh: Annoying MSNBC reporter whose 15 minutes have expired.

Berqa: The Taliban’s thong bikini.

bin Laden, Osama: Rich, hairy dude with a renal condition who needs a hobby. May we suggest dialysis with formaldehyde?

Blair, Tony: Former Bill Clinton suck up, current George W. Bush suck up. Talks real purdy, though.

Blitzer, Wolf: Half canine, half reindeer.

Body Bag: Highly fashionable berqa with a zipper. Don’t be caught dead without one.

Bunker Buster: A bomb that burrows underground before detonating. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Cave: Hideout used by Osama bin Laden and Dick Cheney.

CIA: Can you believe these people still have jobs?

Civil Liberties: Endangered species.

Cluster Bombs: A really good time. Sometimes confused with food drops, i.e. chocolate peanut cluster bombs.

Coalition Partners: Gay allies. See also, France.

Collateral Damage: Faceless dead people — literally. Headless, legless sometimes, too.

Daisy Cutter: A 15,000-pound bomb that’s so huge it must be pushed from the rear of a cargo plane. A few have been dropped around here, apparently

Freedom Fighters: Any terrorists who attack people we don’t like.

Great Satan: The CEO who orders around the middle-management Satans.

Ground Zero: Any real estate owned by George W. Bush.

Giuliani, Rudy: New York’s mayor and a possible candidate for papal beatification. Remember when everyone thought he was a philandering fascist?

Hearts and Minds: Other things exposed by Collateral Damage.

Hostage: Any innocent person being held against his or her will, unless, of course, they are people of Arab decent being held by the FBI, in which case they are “suspects.”

Humanitarian Aid: Planeloads of Paxil.

Infidel: You, dude.

Iran: Between Iraq and a hard place.

Iraq: Been there, done that.

Jihad: The mood one gets into when one has had a very bad millennium.

Jingos: Catchy songs accompanying television advertisements urging us to prove our patriotism by going out and buying a new American-made pickup truck.

Kissinger, Henry: Another war criminal who should have a $25 million bounty on his head.

“Larry King Live”: If he’s alive, he’s not very convincing.

Loose Federation: Disparate ethnic parties the United States hopes can govern Afghanistan, after a kegger.

Mujahadeen: A spicy Middle-Eastern dish that may start off tasting good but can come back and cause severe heartburn.

Network Consultants: What generals and colonels become after retirement.

No Interest: The program Detroit’s desperate automakers instituted to move their inventory in the wake of September 11. Also, what Congress has shown in response to protests over erosion of civil rights.

Northern Alliance: Heavily armed bloodthirsty warlords who are neither in the North nor an alliance. Known for their efficiency, i.e. not wasting time killing a captive before disupholstering them with a dull knife.

Propaganda: U.S. cable/network “news.”

Old Glory: The Stars and Stripes.

Old Gory: B-52.

O’Reilly Factor, The: The ongoing effect of morons with talk shows.

Operation Enduring Freedom: Title of our anti-Jihad, chosen by marketing wizards who conducted focus groups in Des Moines, Iowa.

Operation Infinite Justice: Original title for our anti-Jihad, but we changed it because killing under the wrong rubric is, like, totally insensitive.

Pakistan: Screwed.

Patriot: A very costly ground-to-air missile that probably doesn’t work.

Patriotism: The last refuge of scoundrels.

Potter, Harry: Further proof that we are godless pagans. But J.K. Rowling’s next offering, Harry Potter and the Bunker of Brutes, is sure to be the biggest seller yet.

Psy-Ops: Psychological Operations designed to demoralize the enemy, often involving the continuous broadcast of earsplitting rock music by bad bands like Anthrax.

Reactionary: Anyone on TV.

Rumsfeld, Donald: The Angel of Death, a man who looks as scary to Middle Easterners as Osama does to us.

September 11: Christ’s actual birthday, according to some Biblical scholars.

Sharon, Ariel: We’re pretty sure this guy is mentioned in the Book of Revelations.

Smart Munitions: Tomahawk missiles that, like, totally aced their SATs.

Special Forces: Soldiers who are, like, totally comfortable with who they are.

Stealth:                  !

Suitcase Nuke: The Sharper Image has a swell holiday discount.

Taliban: A prohibition on Tali.

Tali Ho: A Taliban chick who’ll lift her berqa.

Tare-ism: Texan for “Terrorism.”

USA Patriot Act: “Act like a patriot — keep your mouth shut while we rearrange your apartment!”

Jeremy Voas is editor of Metro Times. E-mail [email protected]