32 retro metro Detroit TV commercials that will make you feel old — let's watch

By Metro Times editorial staff on Fri, Dec 11, 2020 at 2:50 pm

The year is 2020 and you can now “skip” advertisements when watching YouTube videos or when binging some drama on Hulu. But back in the day, the television commercial was not just a form of creative expression but an absolute must-have tool in getting people to buy expensive fur coats or pack up the station wagon to head to Bob-lo Island or the Detroit Zoo. For a blast from the past, step into our slideshow — er, time machine — and take a look at some of metro Detroit's both most memorable and cringe-worthy ads from yesteryear. Warning: you may or may not get the Tubby's jingle in your head, and we are not responsible for any madness that may occur as a result.

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Ciao

More David Bowie? Damn, Detroit fashion was having a moment when this ad for Ciao dropped. Looking for summer clothing that screams “excitement, drama, and new directions?” Look no further than Ciao, which, like The Broadway, was located in Downtown Detroit’s “Fashion District” and catered to fashion risk-takers.

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Dittrich Furs: “... Since 1893”

What we wouldn’t have given to be able to be in the room when this iconic commercial was approved by Dittrich Fur execs. Ah, yes. Let’s put a woman in a massive fur coat while riding on a horse through the snow in slow motion, because if that doesn’t get someone to buy a dead animal skin, we don’t know what will. This local commercial favorite was spoofed by Tim Robinson and Sam Richardson’s short-lived Motor City-centric Comedy Central series Detroiters because it’s just that good.

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D.O.C.: “Sexy Specs!”

At some point, likely in the '80s, wearing glasses meant you were never going to get laid. Nerd! Enter metro Detroit optometrist and glasses chain D.O.C. and their leather-clad CEO Richard Golden. The Sexy Specs campaign aimed to, well, get people laid, four eyes and all.

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Wonderland Music: “The Taxman Cometh”

If the taxman were an actual man, we hope he would be exactly how he is depicted in this badass ad for the now-shuttered Wonderland Music, in which the taxman comes in wearing a black hood, swinging an ax.

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WRIF: “Remarkable Mouth”

Hey, here’s one that’s still around. Detroit radio station The WRIF launched some ads in the '80s in which a woman mouths the words as voices of WRIF’s disc jockeys and Autograph’s “Turn Up The Radio” is dubbed in.

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Mr. Alan’s: “$29 or 2 for $50!”

Need to step up your game on the court? See Mr. Alan, the animated mascot for this discount footwear retailer with perhaps one of the more memorable taglines in metro Detroit commercial history: “$29 or 2 for $50” — meaning you could snag two pairs of name brand kicks for just $50.

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Little Caesars: “Ever heard of origami?”

OK — so Little Caesars could have many entries on this list because the pantsless metro Detroit pizza peddler had many memorable moments. But this commercial, which makes no sense, features a Little Caesars employee who may or may not be actor Alan Cumming who turns a pizza box into a pterodactyl.

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Vernors: Ted Nugent says “Hey Pierre, Where’s The Good Stuff?”

Back before Ted Nugent was more famous for being a right-wing asshat than for being a rockstar, he also drank the nectar of the gods: Vernors. In this commercial, The Nuge heads to a swanky afterparty with piles of caviar, sushi, shrimp, and steak tartare. “Hey, Pierre. Where’s the good stuff?” Nuge demands of a poor caterer, grabbing him by the chest. Before he gives ol’ Pierre a beatdown, he discovers a cooler filled with Vernors. “Now I’m ready to rock and roll!”

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R.J. Rice Studios: “Tight Bottom Bass”

Maybe not a famous commercial in metro Detroit history but certainly worth noting that R.J. Rice Studios was the place where hip-hop hopefuls could become legit MCs.

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Domino’s Pizza: “Nasty Noid”

Um, so, we didn’t know what or who Domino’s mascot The Noid was supposed to be, but according to a Wikipedia entry, it’s pretty deep(dish) when you think about it. Apparently, this nasty character created in the '80s was “a physical manifestation of all the challenges inherent in getting a pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less.”

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Tubby’s Submarines: “The Dance of the Anthropomorphic Meat“

Who doesn’t love anthropomorphic veggies and meat logs who perform together in a band celebrating a submarine sandwich chain?

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Hudson’s: “... We’ve Got Your Style“

Ask any millennial's grandparent in metro Detroit about Hudson’s and we guarantee they have memories attached to the department store, which was the place to shop and be seen shopping. The massive department store in downtown Detroit was the heart of the city's retail offerings.

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Great Scott: “Geez, get a room already!”

If you remember Great Scott grocery stores, then you likely remember the chain’s commercials in which they declare “We love you” to their shoppers — because nothing says cleanup on aisle five quite like sloppy, gushy customer appreciation.

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