Metro Times 2014 Lust Poll

Our look at Detroit's seamy side, with a little help from our readers.

Metro Times 2014 Lust Poll
Painting for Metro Times by Slaw.

Valentine’s Day is around the corner, which means it’s time for MT’s ninth annual Lust Issue, and our seventh annual Lust Poll. You know the drill: We beg you for it, and you give it to us, big-time. Your lusty answers, that is. Then we print the results. 

Congratulations to Lady Fea, the author of that story about the intrepid condom that hid in a vagina, fell out, was eaten by a dog, then defecated by said dog, before being finally thrown out. Courtesy of the good people at Lover's Lane, Lady Fea will receive an erotic prize package that includes a $50 gift card and a selection of personal massagers. 



How often do you have sex?


Seven to ten times a week. — 55 and still loving it, 55, Male, Straight


This year, six times. I know … sad. —313_rockcity, 35, Male, Straight


I usually don’t have it often outside of “seeing” someone, but when I am seeing someone, at least once a day. It’s good, and good for ya. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight


Celibate for just over two years. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight


Never. —baby cakes, 50, Male, Straight


Not enough. —bellafairy, 30, Female, Straight


All the time. —Big shot Bob, 42, Male, Straight


Once a week. —Grandma, 66, Female, Straight


Seven times a week when my girlfriend isn’t having sex with a Puerto Rican bartender on the cruise ship she works on. —piglets, 34, Male, Straight


Very little. A man has to be intellectually satisfying to be worthy of sex with me. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight



What’s the best place for a romantic date?


White Castle.—none, 47, Male, Straight


Roller Derby. You can discuss the rules if you don’t know what to talk about, you can drink and, of course, tough chicks on roller skates.—Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight


For me, the Detroit Institute of Arts. —Benjammin , 26, Male, Straight


Sleazy bar.—Zombiepoacher, 41, Female, Straight


I’m always a fan of the Oakland in Ferndale for a romantic date. The candlelight ambience and strong drinks help ensure the night will end well.—The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight


At home where you can get freaky and be loud!—FoxSlaveGirl, 37, Female, Bisexual


A park where the geese aren’t jerks.—Duncan Moorecock, 34, Male, Straight


My parents’ basement. —piglets, 34, Male, Straight


The Dirty Show.—LuvPeaceSexHappiness, 39, Female, Straight


The Schvitz.—The Gipper, 39, Male, Straight



What was your most regrettable date?


The date when I should have realized all of the phone calls he had to keep silencing and said were from his sister were actually from his current girlfriend. Then he conveniently said later that I might get an email from a crazy ex-girlfriend trying to warn me off of him. It was probably the girl who found out he was cheating on her. —betty, 39, Female, Straight


The dinner that morphed into a “do you know Jesus?” Conversation. The save-my-soul-from-hell date was the wrong move, dude. —sass, 35, Female, Straight


I had taken my parent’s car and drove my girlfriend to a park. In our haste to climb onto each other, she accidentally stepped on the gas before I turned the car off, causing the car to cut out. We ended having to call my mom to come pick us up. —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight


When I left my wallet at home. —baby cakes, 50, Male, Straight


A blind date made by my grandmother. —Boss Dog, 36, Male, Straight


Going to the movies with a guy who talked about his green eyes all night. —Candi, 43, Female, Straight


I don’t really have one, I always looked at the less exciting ones as learning experiences. —Curiouser, 31, Female, Straight


It was my first and only date with a man who I picked up (he didn’t have a car). He gets in the car with a monkey puppet hanging from around his neck. He introduced it (I can’t remember the name). He tells me he likes to take him everywhere, and proceeds to apply deodorant to his underarms. He brought his stick deodorant and reapplies it several times in the car (as if the monkey talking to me weren’t enough). We go to a movie where the monkey enjoys himself, talking through the entire movie. I took him home and never talked to him — or the monkey — again. —Dee Dee, 44, Female, Bisexual


The monster truck rally. The guy acted like a big kid. He thought that I should pay for everything and that we should have had sex. It was our first date. —Divine, 28, Female, Straight


It was a date where the person carried a gun when we went to the art museum, and failed to tell me until the evening when we got supper. I walked home in the rain to avoid him finding out where I lived. —fine china, 22, Female, Bisexual


“Dinner” at Starbucks followed by the worst date movie ever called The Corporation. —Ginger, 30, Female, Straight


Going on a date with a woman who pulled out this “Big Book of Birthdays,” then proceeded to look up mine and say, “Sorry, this isn’t going to work.” You couldn’t have told me that on the phone? —Henri Husson, 36, Male, Straight


Being young and stupid, I was invited out to dinner with a much older female boss. Little did I know I was to be dessert. —Hooks to the Left., 45, Male, Straight


I took a guy’s virginity and didn’t even know it. —Jexxy, 43, Female, Bisexual


I went out with a guy I met at bar through a friend and, after the date, while sitting in the car in his driveway talking (not about anything sexual), I looked over and he had taken his dick out. He was just sitting there holding his dick! End of date. —Katrina, 45, Female, Bisexual


The one that started with him pulling over and selling a couple crack rocks to a crack head on the corner. —LuvPeaceSexHappiness, 39, Female, Straight


The date with a guy who had me pick him up, after he asked me out. He also brought nine dollars on our “date.” He told me about his three children from three different women. Red flags everywhere. The icing on this crapola cake was when he asked for a dollar so he could play Keno. He said he’d split the winnings with me. I never saw this fucker again. —MaryJane Gardener. , 39, Female, Straight


Going out with a known Bible-thumper who offended one of my lesbian friends by referring to gay people as “them” —knowing full well she was gay, yet the moron still ran off at the mouth. —Miss Squeek, 39, Female, Straight


I met this guy on a blind date at the Berkley Front a couple of years ago. We had a few drinks and were having a nice conversation but I had to leave shortly thereafter. So he walked me out to my car, and starts kissing me. In the middle of this impassioned embrace he pulls away, looks up at the sky and exclaims, “Oh my god, I wanna fuck you!” I immediately left. —Molly Edgewood, 25, Female, Straight


I met a girl and thought it would be romantic to bring her a favorite flower called a Bird of Paradise. I should have asked her why she liked them so much; turned out it was because they were the flowers at her grandfather’s funeral. Got a little akward. —Nope., 33, Male, Straight


Getting so drunk that I threw up in his mouth while we were making out. He pushed me out of the car and drove away. I fell asleep in my driveway. Really wished I didn’t slam those Long Islands, he was hot as hell and his dick was huge. —rubyfoxrose, 27, Female, Bisexual


Taking a girl to see Clockwork Orange on a first date. She didn’t know what the hell was going on. Needless to say, it was the first and last date I had with this woman. —Señor spoog, 44, Male, Straight


Going to dinner with a guy that would not stop holding my hand. —Sha nay nay, 40, Female, Bisexual


The one where I wasted my extra Postal Service ticket only to find out she had taken a one-year vow of celibacy a month prior. —So many., 31, Male, Straight


Taking someone I didn’t realize was vegan to a restaurant that definitely had zero vegan options. —The Gentledude, 27, Male, Bisexual


Asked an older woman I was dating to go to the bar with me and some friends and she showed up wearing a gold lamé dress. —The Gipper, 39, Male, Straight


Swinger couple that had dental hygiene issues. —Turd Ferguson, 45, Male, Bisexual


I went out with a girl from work, who took me to her place. As she was taking me through the tour of the apartment, we walked into her bedroom. I looked around and on the dresser was a cage with rats in it. The smell was an overpowering stench of urine and feces, with a sprinkling of patchouli. Barf! To top it off, there were handcuffs hanging from each bedpost, which normally would intrigue me, but under this scenario, I was repulsed. I ran, and had to be pretty mean in order to break it off, due to her stalker-type personality. —White married suburbanite, 39, Male, Straight

Ended with a guy thinking it’s sexy to tell me a bedtime story after dinner. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight


What’s your most embarassing sexual encounter?


When I saw my first uncircumcised penis. I had to giggle at it, but it didn’t stop me. —betty, 39, Female, Straight


Accidental anal sex. What can I say? I wasn’t prepared. —sandy, 33, Female, Bisexual


Having a mom walk in. —glamour, 24, Female, Straight


Sex in extremely high pointy heels. I am complelely uncoordinated. Kept poking him. Almost took an eye out. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight


One time I was having sex with someone, and right as the dude climaxed he ripped a huge fart. That has never happened to me in my life. Talk about an awkward next few minutes. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight


Fucking outside to the worst song ever: “Pop Goes the Weasel.” —baby cakes, 50, Male, Straight


Had sex in a tent with a lantern and our fellow campers saw all of it. —Babylove, 45, Female, Straight


Getting a blow job while watching Mortal Kombat the movieat my best friend’s house while he sat next to me. —big sexy , 35, Male, Straight


After dating a virgin for a couple weeks, it was finally time to get down to business, and her vagina would not even let me in. She was too stressed and it shut up like a clam. —Chunklover69, 39, Male, Straight


Giving a blow job. He came so hard that he lost his bowels. I noticed a sudden, rank smell. I immediately backed off, stood up and saw brown goo oozing into the sheets. Didn’t stick around to help clean up. —Detroit DeLux, 46, Female, Bisexual


When the butt plug got stuck up my ass. He gave me an enema to loosen it and eventually we got it out. —ewangal, 47, Female, Bisexual


Probably when I yelled out, “Whee!” with my long-term boyfriend in reverse cowgirl position. —fine china, 22, Female, Bisexual


He cried because it was his first time. —Ginger, 30, Female, Straight


After hosting an opening party, a girl I had been hitting on quite a bit told her bestie that she didn’t need to take her home, because she’d just hang out at my place for the night. Rather shocked but pleased, I brought her back to my place, put on some music, and made my move. As my arm went around her, she asked “What are you doing?” I said, “Well, you asked to come over to my place, you and I are alone, I just thought that you were interested.” She said, “OMG, no! I thought you were gay! In fact, everyone who works at the restaurant thinks your gay!” Not the best night. —Goof, 37, Male, Straight


Nearly being busted by the cops for car sex. I barely had time to get my pants back up in time and ended up driving back home with the worst case of blue balls. —Hooks to the Left, 45, Male, Straight


The hottest guy turned out to have the smallest dick. And couldn’t even keep it up, at that. I was embarrassed by just being part of the situation. —Killer Queen, 29, Female, Straight


It’s more of a post-sexual encounter that was the most embarrassing thing to happen to me ever. I had hooked up with a friend, and like responsible adults we used condoms. After we were done, we noticed we couldn’t find one of the condoms. We shrugged it off, because Sunday brunch was calling our names. A few days later, my co-worker asked me to dogsit while she and her wife went on vacation. After work I went over to the house to let the dog out. I farted really hard and something felt weird so I went into the bathroom to just verify I didn’t shit my pants. Nope, the force of the fart had pushed the missing condom out of my vag. Grossed out, I pulled it out and threw it in the bathroom trash can. I’d empty out the trash before they got home so they wouldn’t have to see a condom and think I was having sex in their house while they were gone. After taking care of the dog, I decided to go to the bar for a few hours to unwind. I came back and decided to take a shower. The dog had knocked over the trash can and shredded all of the contents. As I picked up the mess, I realized the condom was missing. Panicked, I looked everywhere in the bathroom. Nothing. I looked at the dog who just looked guilty as fuck. Of course, I immediately consulted Google, which basically said to just let the dog pass the condom. I kept taking the dog out on runs in hopes that she’d just poop it out before her owners got home. I really didn’t want to have to explain to two lesbians why their dog was shitting a condom out. After a sleepless night of worrying the dog would die, I took her out for another run. I have never been so observant of a dog pooping before. Fortunately she crapped it out and I immediately bagged it and threw it in the Dumpster before she could eat it again. Keep all your used condoms accounted for. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight


My husband and I were with another woman and her “5 o’clock shadow” down below made our mouths raw. —Lola James, 31, Female, Bisexual


Having sex in my parents’ basement and looking over and making eye contact with my dad. —MIKE, 24, Male, Straight


Getting in bed with my girlfriend’s sister by mistake. —MR. MO, 54, Male, Straight


Mom coming home early to me and my boyfriend covered in Crisco. —Mrs bobo p fixens, 52, Female, Bisexual


At the home of a co-worker, both of us naked, me kneeling on floor eating her out as she reclines on the couch — and her dog comes up and starts rimming me! —oldrbabyboomer, 56, Male, Bisexual


The first time I made a woman squirt and I thought I had hurt her. —rcanola, 33, Male, Straight


When I dragged my date into a liquor storage closet at a comedy club, got on my knees, and audibly gasped in shock at the smallness of it all. —Red, 44, Female, Straight


Sex in a Taco Bell bathroom. —Sha nay nay, 40, Female, Bisexual


During sex with a very large penis, my bladder was stimulated, and well, everyone isn’t into golden showers. Where is R. Kelly when you need him? —Sheba, 38, Female, Straight


Getting busted as we were climbing into the back of my SUV by the pastor of the church whose parking lot we were in. —So many., 31, Male, Straight


My girlfriend was trying anal play with my husband and I when she suddenly “swallowed” an anal bead wand. I immediately suggested she go expel it in the bathroom, but she wanted to keep playing. When I insisted, she spent well over 45 minutes giving birth to this object while I had visions of explaining this fiasco to the people in the local ER. —Spitfire, 49, Female, Bisexual


After some pretty vigorous anal sex, upon my partner withdrawing himself, I let out a window-shaking fart and lube sprayed out everywhere. Can you say “mortified”? —Starr, 36, Female, Bisexual


When she said that she couldn’t handle it. I had only stuck the head in. —Stunna, 28, Male, Straight


At a house party I hit on this really hot girl. We hit it off and chatted the night away. We also drank the night away. We found and empty room and did our business. Not two minutes afterward, I blew chunks. Luckily there was a trash can nearby. She then followed suit. We laughed it off, washed up and had sex again. —the bull, 39, Male, Straight


Getting a bloody nose during cunnilingus. —The Gentledude, 27, Male, Bisexual


Crying during a threesome. Drunk plus jealous equals awkward. —The Mighty Isis, 45, Female, Straight


Any time I was walked in on while having sex. I’ve been walked in by cops, grandmas, friends and siblings. I guess I still haven’t learned to lock the door. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight


Picked up a really young co-ed at a Ypsi dance club. The generation gap was so wide whenever she talked I would lose my erection. —tony russell, 46, Male, Straight


Getting caught with my hand down my first boyfriend’s pants by his super-paranoid and conservative mom. —Twinkle Toes, 34, Female, Straight


Having sex with my boyfriend for the second time and the red devil decided to show her grimy little face. It was a vaginal massacre nightmare. —white witch, 29, Female, Straight


Sex in the bathroom at the Russell Industrial Center. Spontaneous, but embarrassing. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight


What local public servant is actually pretty hot if you squint just right?


The new mayor of Detroit. He looks like he may have been very handsome in is younger days. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight


L. Brooks Patterson? —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight


The old liberal lady on Flashpoint. —baby cakes, 50, Male, Straight


I’ve seen two cute mail ladies in my life. —BenMan, 33, Male, Straight


Hate to say it but, Sarah Palin —Big Guy, 38, Male, Straight


Joe Biden. —Black Betty, 23, Female, Straight


None of them. Why are local politics so literally ugly? —Detroit DeLux, 46, Female, Bisexual


Jennifer Granholm. Fer real, I’d be all over that mole. —Goof, 37, Male, Straight


Westland’s mayor William R. Wild is pretty damn good-looking, even without squinting. —Jeyne Moxley, 26, Female, Bisexual


The word “servant” is already hot. I’m pretty horny right now. Is Coleman Young’s wife still alive? —piglets, 34, Male, Straight


The female cop who arrested me for DUI. But I was drunk, so who knows? —Señor spoog, 44, Male, Straight


I’d like to give a nod to the Harper Woods Fire Department. Those guys are some studs. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight


Obama, duh. —Wouldn’t you like to know, 30, Female, Straight


Raquel Castaneda-Lopez. (She’s hot without squinting!) —ZON, 27, Female, Straight



What’s the best place in the Detroit area for finding your future spouse?


A protest —sass, 35, Female, Straight


Idk, I’m very single. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight


Okcupid. —Kittynose, 22, Female, Straight


Meijer. —a passion pirate, 49, Male, Straight


Oh, please. Marriage? Believe it or not, there are plenty of people to whom marriage is an unnecessary, out-dated ritual. I’m one of them. —Detroit DeLux, 46, Female, Bisexual


Probably the DIA. It’s important to appreciate the arts. —fine china, 22, Female, Bisexual


City Club? —FoxSlaveGirl, 37, Female, Bisexual


Move out of state and come back, they will find you. —GiGi, 46, Female, Straight


Livonia Community Recreaction Center. I’ve met and dated three women that I’ve met there. —hippop, 63, Male, Straight


I met my current boyfriend at work. The University of Michigan is couple city. —Josephine Baker, 25, Female, Bisexual


Don’t want another spouse. —male slut, 39, Male, Straight


Campus Martius during the spring and summer. Always hot women around there. —Nope., 33, Male, Straight


People say church. I say IHOP. —Señor spoog, 44, Male, Straight


Gigi’s. —Sexfreak, 61, Male, Bisexual


I prefer hot-rod/rat-rod shows, also any whole foods or grocery market! —Sinister Sarah, 34, Female, Straight


Find an office building. Nowadays you want a woman who works. —stallion, 36, Male, Straight


Vodka Vodka. —Starr, 36, Female, Bisexual

For a young woman, Lawrence Tech University. Plenty of young future Bill Gateses there, good luck trying to have a conversation with them though. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight



Where’s the best place to get picked up by a cougar?


I would imagine Boogie Fever in Ferndale. Home of the Cougar, right? —betty, 39, Female, Straight


Any crappy suburban bar. —313_rockcity, 35, Male, Straight


The casino, hands down. —A male dancer , 40, Male, Straight


A bar that plays old music maybe. —Batgirl, 32, Female, Straight


We used to get picked up by older women at Ye Ole Saloon back in the day. —Big Guy, 38, Male, Straight


Grocery stores. They like a man that can cook. —big sexy , 35, Male, Straight


Dive bars. —Big shot Bob, 42, Male, Straight


Cafe D’Mongos. —Black Betty, 23, Female, Straight


Bar in any expensive hotel, especially downtown. —DaBull, 42, Male, Straight —Ginger , 30, Female, Straight


I’m too old to want a cougar now. —Kurth69, 49, Male, Bisexual


If you’re selling beer at Ford Field it makes it kinda easy. —Lionheart Saint, 26, Male, Straight


The zoo? No pun intended; lots of mom-types hang out there. That, or the grocery store. —Margaret Scratcher, 20, Female, Straight


Ha ha, I am a cougar by definition. —Miss Squeek, 39, Female, Straight


Any bar in Birmingham. —Mr. Plow, 64, Male, Straight


Crud show. —Mrs bobo p fixens, 52, Female, Bisexual


I WANNA KNOW. —Professor Archibald von Wigglesworth, 20, Male, Straight


I would assume Boogie Fever, but probably Whole Foods. —Shy Guy with the Electric Eye, 25, Male, Straight


My house. —Spitfire, 49, Female, Bisexual


A video game store. True story. —Staff, 27, Male, Straight


I find that offensive. —Wouldn’t you like to know, 30, Female, Straight



What’s your favorite food product to incorporate into naughty play, and is it available from organic, local sources?


Water, ice. —sandy, 33, Female, Bisexual


Whip cream. —glamour, 24, Female, Straight


Wipe cream. —typical, 54, Male, Straight


I prefer dildo cucumbers to be wax coated and free of pests ... Usually not organic. —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight


Not into this at all. —69freak, 63, Male, Bisexual


Honey and strawberries. —A male dancer , 40, Male, Straight


Nutella, various locations! Costco carries industrial sizes. —AllyCat, 30, Female, Straight


Water-based edible lubricant and flavored condoms, all available at The Safe Sex Store. —Beautiful Strawberry, 40, Female, Straight


Strawberries. —bellafairy, 30, Female, Straight


I keep food and sex separate. —Big Jim Slade, 37, Male, Straight


Food is for after. Or before. —Cookie, 27, Female, Straight


Alcohol is a food right? —Curiouser, 31, Female, Straight


Fresh peeled cucumber from Eastern Market, English variety if available. —Fire Starter, 31, Male, Straight


Vegan mac and cheese from Seva. —Gloria, 39, Female, Straight


Chocolate sauce and a paint brush. —Henri Husson, 36, Male, Straight


Anything from a local brewery, but only as SOCIAL lubricant. Beer should not be anywhere near genitals. Can you imagine that hot mess? —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight


Honey. If it is organic and local, you can use it on hipster chicks, too! —Lambchop, well-done, 30, Male, Straight


Rasberry jelly on my nipples, and yes, anywhere. —lovelylisa, 34, Female, Bisexual


Carrots can be nice, and yes, we do have local organic ones. —Margaret Scratcher, 20, Female, Straight


Cucumber. —Margot , 34, Female, Straight


I can tell you one thing, Russell Street Deli’s soup WAS NOT a good idea. —Mister Laginess, 26, Female, Straight


My penis is local and could be considered a food source. —Señor spoog, 44, Male, Straight


Kale chips, the kind from the Detroit Zen center. My boyfriend has a horrible diet and seeing him eat healthy turns me on. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight



What’s the shortest amount of time you’ve waited to have sex with someone?


A day. —betty, 39, Female, Straight


A few hours. —Nice, 43, Female, Straight


A couple dates, like 2 or 3. —Kittynose, 22, Female, Straight


30 minutes, it was a 20-minute drive from the bar to her place. —typical, 54, Male, Straight


One date. —313_rockcity, 35, Male, Straight


Six months. —55 and still loving it, 55, Male, Straight


Five minutes. —69freak, 63, Male, Bisexual


For non-BF material, like an hour of drinks at the bar. —Batgirl, 32, Female, Straight


Between like, meeting them and banging them? Uhh... a week maybe?—Cookie, 27, Female, Straight


18 months. —Grandma, 66, Female, Straight


He knocked on the door looking for my cousin and about an hour later we had sex. —Jexxy, 43, Female, Bisexual


I’ve never had a one-night stand if that’s what you’re asking. —Kurth69, 49, Male, Bisexual


45 minutes.—Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight


30 minutes, back in the ‘70s at a party at Grand Valley. —Maddog, 58, Male, Straight


Three hours. College was a crazy place. —Mr. Black, 32, Male, Straight

half an hour—Mr. Plow, 64, Male, Straight


Half an hour during my rather risky cruising days in the 70s. —oldrbabyboomer, 56, Male, Bisexual


One week. —Peter Zartarian, 49, Male, Straight


Because I carry a stopwatch with me at all times. —piglets, 34, Male, Straight


Hmm ... eight minutes? Met a guy in a hotel lobby in Colorado while I was checking in. By the time we got to my room his hand was down my pants ... —rubyfoxrose, 27, Female, Bisexual


15 minutess. Detroit has some fun girls. —Sheriff Northman, 26, Male, Straight


Between meeting online and face to face? Same person, face-to-face, five minutes.—Staff, 27, Male, Straight


It was so quick, didn’t have a chance to time it. When a totally inebriated woman comes up to you and says take me home now ... well? —Studly Hungwell the 9th, 66, Male, Straight


Within minutes of meeting. —The Rush, 25, Male, Straight



What’s the longest amount of time you’ve waited to have sex with someone?


A year. And it never happened anyway. Dick. —betty, 39, Female, Straight


Ten years. —sandy, 33, Female, Bisexual


A month. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight


Third date. —one-eyed monster, 39, Male, Straight


Three months. —typical, 54, Male, Straight


A couple months. —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight


About two years. —Not really., 60, Male, Straight


Nine months, and I ended up marrying the stud. —AllyCat, 30, Female, Straight


A solid four dates. So, a little over a week? We all have different needs. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight


15 years. —Beautiful Strawberry, 40, Female, Straight


Around two months of flirtatous hanging out. Worth the wait. We got married. —Big Guy, 38, Male, Straight


20 years. —Big Poppie, 49, Male, Straight


Ten months. But that was high school ... —FoxSlaveGirl, 37, Female, Bisexual


One-and-a-half years. A co-worker got divorced and the office flirting exploded into all out monkey sex. —hippop, 63, Male, Straight


3 years and it wasn’t worth the wait at all. It was hands down the worst sex I ever had. —James M, 28, Male, Straight


30 years. —Mini Gnome, 52, Female, Straight


How long does it take to put on a condom anyway? —Mrs bobo p fixens, 52, Female, Bisexual


30-plus years and still counting on eventually hooking up with my first boyfriend again. — oldrbabyboomer, 56, Male, Bisexual


Still waiting. A lifetime. —Red, 44, Female, Straight


Til they had me begging! —Sexfreak, 61, Male, Bisexual


Middle of June to end of December (unless you count birth to busting cherry). —Studly Hungwell the 9th, 66, Male, Straight


Like courtship-wise a week or so. —super clyde, 56, Male, Straight


Years later ... still waiting ... —The Rush, 25, Male, Straight


Still waiting for someone after 20 some years. —Walks With Silent Feet - she allows me to let loose and be the sexual flirt I can’t be in real life., 39, Female, Straight


A year, because he wanted to be a respectful guy and take it slow. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight



Have you ever had sex at a Detroit landmark? If so, where?


I’ve manually stimulated more than one partner to completion while on the Lodge or 75. —one-eyed monster, 39, Male, Straight


Does the Book Cadillac count? —313_rockcity, 35, Male, Straight


At the Renaissance in the hallway behind the bathrooms. —A male dancer , 40, Male, Straight


Greektown Casino parking garage. —Allyn Elizabeth, 26, Female, Straight


Not so much a landmark. More like a back alley in a car behind a bar. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight


Honestly, who HASN’T gotten it on at the fountain on Belle Isle? —Beautiful Strawberry, 40, Female, Straight


Lawn of the [Detroit] Main Library. —Big Poppie, 49, Male, Straight


Greektown casino. —big rob, 30, Male, Straight


I consider the old Tito’s Tacos House, (between LJ’s & Slows) that later became the underground afterhours place 2130 to be a historical landmark. Did it bent over the beautiful 1930’s bar while there was an event for the Electronic Music Festival. —Detroit DeLux, 46, Female, Bisexual


In Tigers stadium. —happy happy happy, 30, Male, Straight


Does Belle Isle count? A “Love-In” at the band shell in the summer of 1968 I met gal who went to Immaculata H.S. We hit it off right away and spent the afternoon and evening tucked away in my tent. We were married for 33 years and had two boys. —hippop, 63, Male, Straight


I had sex in the Coleman A. Young Municipal Center when I was 16. —James M, 28, Male, Straight


Received oral while perched on the wall high atop the roof of the Greektown parking structure. In March. —Jeyne Moxley, 26, Female, Bisexual


If I had sex there, it would be a landmark. —Kurth69, 49, Male, Bisexual


No, but I would! Somewhere on Belle Isle would be nice, away from the happy families, of course. —Margaret Scratcher, 20, Female, Straight


The bathroom at Lafayette Coney. —Margot , 34, Female, Straight


Would Jamz (teen club from 1990s) be considered? —Missy76, 37, Female, Straight


Spanksgiving Hellbound Fetish Party at the Tangent/Hastings Ballroom. —Mr. Black, 32, Male, Straight


Does the elevator of the Penobscot Building count? —Mr. Plow, 64, Male, Straight


On the roof of Bouzouki’s gentlmens club. —Sheriff Northman, 26, Male, Straight


I got sausaged at Kowalski. —Spitfire, 49, Female, Bisexual


On the people mover. —stallion, 36, Male, Straight


Detroit Institute of Arts at the Ansel Adams exhibit.—superman69, 38, Male, Straight


Does mutual masturbation in the parking lot of Jumbo’s in the Cass Corridor count? —Teased with a Toy, 35, Female, Straight


In the bathroom of a suite at the Palace. —the bull, 39, Male, Straight


The balcony at Harpo’s. —The Gipper, 39, Male, Straight



Invent a Detroit-related sex move.


The Chene Park Pump. —Teased with a Toy, 35, Female, Straight


The Joe Lousi Fist. —sex kitten, 27, Male, Straight


Motor this ‘D.’ —BenMan, 33, Male, Straight


The Big Beaver 69. —Omnivore, 33, Female, Bisexual


I’ve noticed this one and I call it the “it never happened”. That’s when you have sex with a person and the next day they don’t even know you. —Detroit DeLux, 46, Female, Bisexual


The Heidelberg Flamer. —Cookie, 27, Female, Straight


The Gordie Howe. Oral, Anal and a fight afterward! —one-eyed monster, 39, Male, Straight


The AmbASSador, while receiving oral from a woman on her hands and knees, return the favor by inserting fingers into her from behind. —John Thomas, 26, Male, Straight


Robocop: The Ultimate Toy. —Currently? Jafar, 29, Male, Straight


696 — use your imagination. —Missy76, 37, Female, Straight


“The Piston” where you scream “Detroit Basketbaaaaall!” right before you orgasm. —Honey Jones, 23, Female, Bisexual


The Prince Fielder. Involves some flopping when you reach third base. —AntonCrowley666, 39, Male, Straight


I call it Puttin’ the D in the Troit. —Molly Edgewood, 25, Female, Straight


The River Walk — standing over your lady who is in the bathtub she gives you a rim job. —rcanola, 33, Male, Straight


Have your girl go street walking and pick her up. —baby cakes, 50, Male, Straight


Bust your tire in my pot hole. —lala cum cum, 35, Female, Straight


D in the D: Sex in a Chrysler 300, while in transit from a Wings/Tigers/Lions game to a Coney Island. Bonus points if you get arrested and can’t pay your bail cuz you broke! —Chloe Kilgannon, 25, Female, Straight


The Christine Beatty — constantly yelling out “Do you know who I am” during sex. —Hooks to the Left., 45, Male, Straight


The Detroit Rock City: Fuck on a speaker and crank it to 11. —Staff, 27, Male, Straight


Downtown Hoe Down (on her knees). —DaBull, 42, Male, Straight


Detroit Cock City. —MIKE, 24, Male, Straight


The Fisher: While having sex, you pose creating geometric shapes. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight


The Big Threesome. —Ed Marlin, 41, Male, Straight


Faygo Fellatio: a mouth full of Faygo of your chosen flavor, combined with a mouthful of the body part of your choosing. —Margaret Scratcher, 20, Female, Straight


Covering a chick in Faygo. —Chunklover69, 39, Male, Straight


The window buster. When you’re doing her in the car and her foot busts out the window. —the pattio, 31, Male, Straight


Cadieux cooch squirt. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight


“Pulling a Lion”: Coming close to orgasm, time and time again, but never actually getting anywhere — thereby keeping everyone involved hopeful but eternally disappointed. —Spitfire, 49, Female, Bisexual


Sorry, I’ve got nothing. I also don’t tend to name what I do in bed. Great lovers know that the most important sex organ is the brain, and the most effective maneuvers are performed before the “clothes come off.” —Beautiful Strawberry, 40, Female, Straight


The People Mover. —glamour, 24, Female, Straight


The Kwame — get head, take some money from her purse, and bounce! —Killer Queen, 29, Female, Straight


The Grosse Point — a man forces his penis down a woman’s throat until she vomits —Professor Archibald von Wigglesworth, 20, Male, Straight


The Kwayme — Where everyone gets screwed. —Big Guy, 38, Male, Straight



Define “cheating.”


Penetration or kissing. —sex fortress, 47, Male, Straight


When your significant other finds out you hooked up with someone else. —Adorbs, 37, Male, Bisexual


Sex or any actions designed to ultimately result in sex with someone other than your partner. —Mr. Plow, 64, Male, Straight


Being emotionaly invested with someone else or physical intamancy. —Nice, 43, Female, Straight


Sexual conduct with another person. —Twinkle Toes, 34, Female, Straight


Kissing and beyond, or even having a mild emotional or sexual interest in someone else. —Black Betty, 23, Female, Straight


Emotional or sexual connection with someone other than your significant other. —Teased with a Toy, 35, Female, Straight


Having sex (oral, vaginal, anal) with someone without your partner’s knowledge or consent. —betty, 39, Female, Straight


When you would rather be with another person. —sandy, 33, Female, Bisexual


Doing something that violates any agreement you have with any committed partner(s), which is different for everyone and dependent on their particular situation. —Walks With Silent Feet - she allows me to let loose and be the sexual flirt I can’t be in real life., 39, Female, Straight


Communication with someone else with the intention of having sex without notifying your partner of your actions and intentions. —White Monkey, 31, Female, Bisexual


Anything that betrays your partners trust in your fidelity. It’s couple-specific. —meatsword, 27, Male, Straight


Hooking up with someone else. —Big shot Bob, 42, Male, Straight


Anything you may have to hide or omit from your lover is cheating. —Omnivore, 33, Female, Bisexual


Kissing is the start of physical cheating. Mentally — sexting. —JuggaloRose, 30, Female, Straight


Anything that would make you feel uncomfortable if your partner witnessed it. —Zoinks, 44, Male, Straight


Cheating is when both parties have communicated that they are monogamous and one of the parties has any kind of intimate physical contact with another party. —Detroit DeLux, 46, Female, Bisexual


Doing anything romantic or sexual with a non-partner that your partner would be pissed to find out about. —Cookie, 27, Female, Straight


Sleeping with, flirting with, playing with, fucking with, sportsing with an individual behind your significant other’s back. And if you feel remorseful when you’re done, congratulations! You just cheated on your significant other. —Don’t need one, 34, Male, Straight


Anything sexual with anyone but your partner. —pornstar, 40, Male, Straight


Anything more than harmless flirting. —Benjammin , 26, Male, Straight


Would you do it if I was standing behind you? —Lola James, 31, Female, Bisexual


Any sexual activity (other than hugging/peck on the cheek) with someone who isn’t your significant other. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight


Anything physical or mental that you feel is wrong. —superman69, 38, Male, Straight


Cumming with help while your girl is gone. —happy happy happy, 30, Male, Straight


Drinks with intentions. —Gloria, 39, Female, Straight


Fucking someone other than your partner without them knowing. —Starla, 45, Female, Bisexual


That’s exactly what I said! —Mister Laginess, 26, Female, Straight


Cheating is stepping outside of the boundaries you and your partner have set for your relationship with another person. —Honey Jones, 23, Female, Bisexual


Telling someone that you want them and only them and then you go to play on the side. —Sexfreak, 61, Male, Bisexual


Really? If you need it defined, you’re probably doing it. —So many., 31, Male, Straight


Mutual agreement for monogamy. If it’s broken, you are a cheating bitch. —Sir., 32, Male, Straight


Well first you have to start off of what the “terms” of your relationship are. If monogamous, I personally believe not only sexual physical contact, but putting actual emotion and conversation of an emotional/future sexual planning are not cool. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight


Not really sure? —Snakey Greenwood, 27, Male, Straight


Loaded question. —MickeyB, 47, Female, Bisexual


Anything that makes you lie about it. —Dee Dee, 44, Female, Bisexual


Putting your banana in the wrong lunchbag. —Mrs bobo p fixens, 52, Female, Bisexual


Penetration. Not kissing. It pisses me off when people think kissing is cheating, its not. —the pattio, 31, Male, Straight


Sex without permission. —rubyfoxrose, 27, Female, Bisexual


If you have to delete texts, you’re cheating. —Fancy, 35, Female, Straight


Physically having sex. Thinking about having sex with someone is not cheating — that’s called fantasy. —55 and still loving it, 55, Male, Straight


Cheating is anything genitalia-related. —white witch, 29, Female, Straight


It’s only cheating if you don’t have an agreement with your significant other — talk that out. —Henri Husson, 36, Male, Straight


Spending quality time with someone who isn’t your spouse, outside of the workplace. It doesn’t have to be sex to be cheating. Flirting is fine, but when you take it past the moment, that’s cheating. —White married suburbanite, 39, Male, Straight


There are degrees, but it has to do with intimacy with another person. Kissing is cheating, but not at the level that a BJ or other sexual acts are cheating. Some can be forgiven, others, not so much. —Goof, 37, Male, Straight



What’s your porn star name? Take your first pet’s name and the street you grew up on:


Pierre Crane. —sex fortress, 47, Male, Straight


Lucky McGraw. —Mr. Plow, 64, Male, Straight


Happy Fish Lake. —Nice, 43, Female, Straight


 Oscar Wylie. —betty, 39, Female, Straight


Rusty Woodworth. —one-eyed monster, 39, Male, Straight


Pop Cherry Avenue. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight


Tootsie Chippewa. —Sha nay nay, 40, Female, Bisexual


Big Mama Wagner. —Just as naughty as me!! Her name is Lola, 38, Female, Bisexual


Pansy Lanchinsire ... ( yep gay porn name , I guess) —gimp, 42, Male, Straight


Kiwi Winchester. —Honey Jones, 23, Female, Bisexual


Spooker Corning. —Miss Squeek, 39, Female, Straight


Rocky Ardmore. —Jeyne Moxley, 26, Female, Bisexual


Corky Hancock. —fishbomb, 61, Male, Straight


Tweety Storm (it was a canary). —Studly Hungwell the 9th, 66, Male, Straight


Pepper Inches. —The Tickler, 39, Male, Straight


Kitty Cash ...Thats Awesome!! I may make a career move. —alter ego, 41, Female, Straight


Gypsy Columbus. —Dee Dee, 44, Female, Bisexual


Rosie Ruth. Not bad! —Margaret Scratcher, 20, Female, Straight


Peaches Alexandra. —fine china, 22, Female, Bisexual



What’s your safe word?


“No, seriously, quit it.” —Cookie, 27, Female, Straight


“Stop, fucker!” —Don’t need one, 34, Male, Straight


“Wait wait wait hold on …” —N/A, 20, Female, Straight


Banana, mainly because of the show Whitest Kids U’ Know. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight


CACAO! —Mister Laginess, 26, Female, Straight


Don’t. —Sheriff Northman, 26, Male, Straight


Fuck yeah. —big rob, 30, Male, Straight


FUCKIN’ STOP! —Molly Edgewood, 25, Female, Straight


Help. —fishbomb, 61, Male, Straight


It’s in how I moan, they usually know and switch it up. —slutty, 38, Female, Straight


It’s more a physical sign. —Hanna, 31, Female, Straight


Kid Rock. —Chloe Kilgannon, 25, Female, Straight


Mine is “stop.” Hers is “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” —DaBull, 42, Male, Straight


Ouch —Dee Dee, 44, Female, Bisexual


Ouch. Dammit! —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight


Ow. —Watermelon Rose, 32, Female, Straight


Please, daddy. —Starr, 36, Female, Bisexual


Shazaam! —rubyfoxrose, 27, Female, Bisexual


STOP IT, MOTHERFUCKER! —Killer Queen, 29, Female, Straight


The Eagle has landed. —Peter Zartarian, 49, Male, Straight



What’s the most annoying pet name for a penis?


Anything other than cock or dick is basically unacceptable, beast, big bubba, Captain Winkie, dick, dipstick, dong, Godzilla, The Jackhammer, Jimmy, Johnson, Junior, junk, Kroll the Warrior King, little buddy, little fella, “little” his first name, little guy, love rod, magic stick, man bits, manhood, Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch, meat stick, Mr. Bigglesworth, mini me, Mr. Big, Mr. Happy, Mr. Sticky, Mr. Peepers, Mr. Thick Dick, one-eyed monster, one-eyed snake, pecker, peenie, pee-pee, penis, Petey, pleasure stick, rock star, sausage, silk worm, snake, Sir Cums-a-Lot, Stanley (as in the power drill), shlong, tallywhacker, trouser snake, wanker, wang, Weeny, Willy, winkie, zipper ripper,



What’s the most annoying pet name for a vagina?


Axe wound, baby girl, bear trap, beaver, beef flaps, Betty Boo, the black hole, cave of wonders, clam, coochie, cooter, cunt, cupcake, the deli, dick garage, ditch, down there, fish taco, flower, fluffy, furry taco, gash, genie, Grand Canyon, hair pie, her, hoochie, hoo ha, hoohoo, hot box, hot dog bun, hot petunia, juicebox, kitty, the Kraken,  ladyflower, lady parts, little girl, Ms. Squeekers, my bush, “my sex” (romance novel standard), “Nethermouth” (yeah, I’m lookin’ at you, Anne Rice), peach pie, peach, pinky, pocket, punani, pussy, queen, roast beef, slit, snapper, snatch, twat, va jay jay, water palace.



What’s the most annoying pet name for sex?


Banging, boinking, bumpin’ uglies, coitus, doing it, doing the deed, doing the nasty, entering the black hole, getting it on, hide the salami, hook up, horizontal mambo, humping, knocking boots, “Let’s act like our parents!”, making it, making love, making whoopee, nookie, nurr-nurr, playtime, pussy pounding, scoodilypooping, screwing, scrumping, shagging, slam the ham, slap skins, smash, spitting into the Grand Canyon, taking you to Pound Town.



What’s the largest/strangest thing you’ve ever inserted in an orifice?


Fingers in my butt. —big sexy, 35, Male, Straight


10-inch penis. —The Dude, 29, Male, Gay


10-inch penis. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight


24-inch, three-inch diameter, double-ended, glow-in-the-dark dildo. —Starr, 36, Female, Bisexual


A big toe. —Maddog, 58, Male, Straight


A can of Monster. —James M, 28, Male, Straight


A champagne bottle, well, part of one. —White Monkey, 31, 31, Female, Bisexual


A potato I cut to look like a dick. —Molly Edgewood, 25, 25, Female, Straight


Beer bottle. —Gloria, 39, Female, Straight


Broomstick. —sex fortress, 47, Male, Straight


Bud Light bottle. —None, 39, 39, Male, Straight


Candle. —JuggaloRose, 30, Female, Straight


Cucumber. —Peter Zartarian, 49, Male, Straight


Double dong with a woman on the other end. —Lola James, 31, Female, Bisexual


Had a recent girlfriend that had a huge collection dildos she really liked this giant (gigantic) purple number. It scared me. —hippop, 63, Male, Straight


Hairbrush handle? —fine china, 22, Female, Bisexual


Huge black penis. —I don’t have one, 33, Female, Straight


I swear this guy’s cock was as big as a couch. Could only get the head in. —Detroit DeLux, 46, Female, Bisexual


I try to keep large strange things far away from my orifices. —Atlantis, 21, Female, Straight


Icicle. —Katrina, 45, Female, Bisexual


My husband’s super penis. —Grandma, 66, Female, Straight


Nothing exciting, but I bought a dildo online and I really didn’t pay attention to the measurements. The thing was a beast and it’s currently hiding under my bed because it’s WAY too big and scary. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight


Nothing strange, just a good all natural eight inches. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight


Road construction cone. —rubberdrew, 51, Male, Straight


Sitting on a stickshift is still weird. —The Rush, 25, Male, Straight


Small hand-carved totem pole. —Mrs bobo p fixens, 52, Female, Bisexual


Tampon in mouth. —The Tickler, 39, Male, Straight


The cock of a guy named Fred ... it was ENORMOUS and I couldn’t walk without being sore. —The Bitch......(dominatrix), 39, Female, Straight


Zucchinni. —Missy76, 37, Female, Straight



What is the best date you’ve ever had?


Went on a date to a local bar, and ended the night with her on top sex while driving ... Even drove part of the way home behind the local police. —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight


Sex first, food, sex again, clubbing, sex in the bathroom of the club and sex again in the hotel room. —stallion, 36, Male, Straight


Meet at bar went to strip club. Both got dance at same time, made out in that parking lot. Went back to first bar and fucked hard in parking lot. —pornstar, 40, Male, Straight


Going downtown on a back of a Harley on a hot June night, hit Mexicantown and hung out on the beautiful over-pass just talking. Left and did the city tour down by the train-station and all the beautiful sites of the Detroit. Steamy, hot and everything right! —Sinister Sarah, 34, Female, Straight


Orgy in a hotel room with seven other couples and a single bisexual girl. —Turd Ferguson, 45, Male, Bisexual


Picnic in a cemetery. —Snakey Greenwood, 27, Male, Straight


The night my ex came home from deployment. Six months of not seeing someone makes for an awesome sex marathon. —sunNmoonlady, 34, Female, Bisexual


Not sure if it’s the best, but it comes to mind quickly: After dinner and a bottle of wine at Roast, my date bought every dessert that was on the menu. He also left the waiter close to a $100 tip. We ended up taking most of the dessert home, and it made for a great breakfast after a sunny morning romp. —Jeyne Moxley, 26, Female, Bisexual


Way back in high school my first boyfriend invited me over to his house. When I rang the doorbell the door opened and a voice said “come in.” He was on the other side wearing nothing but a robe which was open. He guided my right hand onto his hard cock, placed his over my bulge, and his left encircled my neck as he drew me in for a long kiss. After several minutes of making out there in the foyer and getting undressed by him we went up to his parent’s bedroom and had sex for the rest of the afternoon on THEIR bed. —oldrbabyboomer, 56, Male, Bisexual


Tennis and peanut butter and jelly. —Gloria, 39, Female, Straight


The man that introduce me to fisting. Then introduced my life to amazing sex. —Kat , 44, Female, Straight


Took a girl to a Halloween party called Heaven and Hell, where different rooms or places around the home were either themed heaven or hell. There was a lot of sex with a lot of people and it was a blast. —Nope., 33, Male, Straight


A walk on the trail followed by a light snack that lead to being tied with rope, hung on a door, made to orgasm repeatedly and being flogged, afterwhich making sweet pationate love and falling asleep in each others’ arms. —nunya, 34, Female, Straight


Dated this cougar for a year and a half. Never paid for a thing. Total boy toy. It was awesome. —male slut, 39, Male, Straight


Fuck dating. —glamour, 24, Female, Straight


The one time I ate an entire pizza by myself and had a marathon of The New Girl. —Shy Guy with the Electric Eye, 25, Male, Straight


Boyfriend and I went camping near Rifle River, ate mushrooms on a scorcher on the shores of Lake Michigan and day-tripped while making sand castles and pretending to be giants storming the beach. —Atlantis, 21, Female, Straight


Having first date anal sex with a blind date. —Hooks to the Left., 45, Male, Straight


Tagging along on a date with my ex-girlfriend and a boy. She forced me to come along. But I ended up marrying her date —sandy, 33, Female, Bisexual


Overlooking Lake St. Clair at night and me propositioning him for public sex. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight


My future wife and I took our first trip together to Las Vegas. We had to wait to get into our room and to kill time we went to the movies and saw Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It was so surreal coming out of the movie theater and seeing the strip. It was all uphill from there. —White married suburbanite, 39, Male, Straight


I went skiing with a woman and had the best snow ball fight ever at the bottom of the slope. —A male dancer , 40, Male, Straight


Not sure if it was a date because we didn’t go anywhere ... but when I had the chance to enjoy the female charms of a friend’s wife. I’m not proud of it ... but it was amazing. He eventually found out, they went into counseling and things are better now. In fact, he was impressed with her improved skills in several departments after her romps with me. —Henri Husson, 36, Male, Straight


On a whim I invited a guy I recently met to a burlesque show. The show was hilarious, the acts were scandalous and sexy and the post date sex was great as well. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight


My English teacher invited me to her house for dinner, then we took a long bubble bath and spent the weekend in bed. —Not really., 60, Male, Straight


Went on a lunch date in midtown. I don’t remember where we ate. It was a pleasant day so we decided to go for a walk after. Ended up walking through WSU main courtyard and at that moment ... Jam Master Jay jumps on this janky stage ... followed by Rev Run & DMC. She wasn’t into it. I don’t remember what happened to her but, I stayed for the whole show. And they played every fucking hit. —mr jr, 33, Male, Straight



What famous Detroiter would you most like to bang and why?


Matty Moroun ... because he deserves it. —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight


Kid Rock. I have no clue why. —Zombiepoacher, 41, Female, Straight


Eminem, because damn he’s sexy. —The Dude, 29, Male, Gay


Eminem, I tend to like crazies. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight


Eminem because he’s so talented. —ewangal, 47, Female, Bisexual


Eminem, because I’ve heard he has a huge cock. —Starr, 36, Female, Bisexual


Mike Posner! I’ve met him before and he’s just so cute and such a nice guy. Plus something tells me he’d be a great kisser and even better at eating pussy. —Honey Jones, 23, Female, Bisexual


Joumana Kayrouz. She has that pornstar look. I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually did porn prior to becoming a lawyer. She had to pay for law school somehow. —James M, 28, Male, Straight


Electric Six. Probably all of them, because I love the music that much. —FoxSlaveGirl, 37, Female, Bisexual


Albert Kahn, in one of his buildings before it was finished. Sexy. —White Monkey, 31, Female, Bisexual


Karen Newman. When I look at her, she makes me feel funny … In my pants! —The Weez, 35, Male, Straight


Kwame Kilpatrick. Tall, dark and handsome. Plus he’ll be missing it coming from prison. —Ginger , 30, Female, Straight


Iggy Pop and Rachel Nagy. Just to see. They seem like they would know what the fuck they’re doing. —C. Dalisay, 33, Female, Bisexual


Sufjan Stevens. Pretty, sentimental music makes me wet and I want to fuck the Jesus out of him. Plus he’s cute. —Cookie, 27, Female, Straight


Oh, if it was my lucky day, former Wings player Chris Osgood. I’m a sucker for hockey players and he’s so easy on the eyes! My gay father even comented on how good looking he was! The bonus is that he also has an amazing personality! Who wouldn’t want to bang that! —Aqua Lily, 29, Female, Straight


Madonna during “Like a Prayer” age ... She was hot and made me smile. —Benjammin , 26, Male, Straight


Shaggy 2 Dope from ICP. I have loved him for a long time. He is still so very sexy! Much clown love, Shaggs! —JuggaloRose, 30, Female, Straight


Dan Gilbert, he has money! —Mini Gnome, 52, Female, Straight


Ted Nugent, in the brain with a ball ping hammer. —The Mighty Isis, 45, Female, Straight


Madonna. It would make my wife so damn jealous! (Madonna is the only woman my wife would have sex with.) —DaBull, 42, Male, Straight


If Craig Owens [Chiodos] wasn’t a disease-ridden man slut, definitely him. Because, hot. Or Xzibit because hey maybe he could pimp my vag. —Chloe Kilgannon, 25, Female, Straight


Jack White . He’s mysterious, creative, possibly weird, I like banging people like that. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight


Jack White. He just oozes sex with his goth suits, pale skin and cigarettes. Ever since I first saw him strumming the guitar at the Masonic, he has been the object of my masturbatory thoughts. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight


Danny Brown cause he’s fucking insane. —N/A, 20, Female, Straight


Satori Circus. He looks like he’d be a lot of fun ... and quirky! —rubyfoxrose, 27, Female, Bisexual



What’s the greatest thing you learned from experience?


Kids make you tired and broke. Use birth control unless you are ready to do without sleep or money for several years. —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight


Dignity is overrated. —MickeyB, 47, Female, Bisexual


To listen to a woman’s breathing. It tells you everything you need to know about where to go next and when to do it. —meatsword, 27, Male, Straight


Appreciate what you have. —fishbomb, 61, Male, Straight


Don’t take life too seriously. —Nice, 43, Female, Straight


Always making women come first. —stallion, 36, Male, Straight


What I’ve learned is to get to know and love your body first and never ever go back with an ex. —Ms. Ann, 43, Female, Straight


Nothing has to be rushed. You can take your time. A man won’t like you more just because you put out. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight


That you have to be vocal about what you want and need from sex. If you’re afraid to say what you want then you aren’t truly comfortable with the person you’ve chosen to have sex with. —Honey Jones, 23, Female, Bisexual


Patience. A lot of my fantasies came to fruitition over time. —James M, 28, Male, Straight


Don’t date involved men. —huge freak, 41, Female, Straight


Don’t get too attached too quickly. A good lay can trick your brain into falling into pseudo-love. Really feel someone out first after you feel them out. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight


Sometimes fantasies should remain in your head. —baby cakes, 50, Male, Straight


“Exciting” and “slightly dangerous” people are exciting to date at first. After a couple months, then it’s just increasingly exhausting, dramatic, and chaotic. —Jeyne Moxley, 26, Female, Bisexual


Men like their balls licked too sometimes. —Ginger , 30, Female, Straight


If something sucks, tell the other person. Don’t expect them to read your mind. —Curiouser, 31, Female, Straight



Do you have a confession you’d like to make to a lover past or present?


I shouldn’t have fucked you. You know who you are. —stallion, 36, Male, Straight


You had a big dick, but you didn’t know how to work it at all. Quality over size, buddy. —Omnivore, 33, Female, Bisexual


I wish it wouldn’t be weird for your brother to join us. —Red, 44, Female, Straight


I faked it. Every time. —ewangal, 47, Female, Bisexual


I really liked this girl and she would never go out with me and I ran into her mother at the bar and had sex with her instead. —The Gipper, 39, Male, Straight


To both of you who asked if I was dating someone else at the time — the answer is actually “yes.” —Jeyne Moxley, 26, Female, Bisexual


John, you have a small dick that didn’t work a quarter of the time, but you’re still the sexiest man I’ve ever known and the best lay I’ve ever had. Not sure how that works out. But it’s true. I will want you, always. —Killer Queen, 29, Female, Straight


To my current lover, sometimes I hide my orgasms. I’m usually on my third orgasm when I finally announce it. It’s because I’m completely enamored on how you’re such a man in bed. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight


Bo, I never loved you. And I fucked Jonathan every day you were in ohio. And I loved it. We laughed at you and your shitty life while I rode his cock. It felt great. —rubyfoxrose, 27, Female, Bisexual

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