7 gump gifts that’ll make your beloved grin

My funny Valentine

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The idea that Valentine's Day is some ultra romantic holiday that inspires women to purchase expensive lingerie and cavort around in feather boas to the pleasure of their male paramours seems so... blithe and, quite frankly, passe. These days the Hallmark holiday is either blatantly ignored by lovers or given the goofy treatment by folks who just like to give a gift every once in awhile. Luckily, the number of peculiar presents out there are tantamount to innumerable. Here's a list of some lighthearted gifts we plan to share with our lovers this Feb. 14.

Lose Yourself valentine, $4.68

This Eminem-themed card is perfect for your pop culture-loving lover who's remained a Slim Shady fan throughout the years. Surprisingly, this Valentine isn't made in the U.S. — you'd have to import it all the way from Perth, Australia, where it's produced by a little company called Greet Yo Self. The card is blank inside but for a little less than a dollar, the company will print a personal message inside.

Passing through a screen door cross stitch, $20
Like many millennials, there is a chance your boo thang is still enduring a prolonged affinity with pop punk, despite having matured beyond the scope of the music's teen angst message. Detroit native Carmen Bojanowski cross stitches the lyrics to some of the genre's most prolific tunes (including jams by New Found Glory, the Wonder Years, and Taking Back Sunday) while including some whimsical floral flourishes that add a whole new level of nostalgia. The best part? Bojanowski also takes custom orders, so if you and your betrothed share a love for a particular song, she can craft a special cross stitch just for you. You can find her works in her Etsy shop, xStitchesandStones.

I hate everyone too oven mitt, $12

Not every Valentine's Day gift has to be for someone you (hope to) bang. This oven mitt — the likes of which can be purchased at Glow Fish Studios, Wyandotte's emporium of all things whimsical and a little bit snarky — can be given to that girlfriend with whom you love to commiserate. It's a little nostalgic, totally cute, and won't break the bank. Glow Fish also carries other styles, including a bubble gum pink version that couples the words "I've got a knife" with a retro drawing of the perfect housewife.

Let's get weird motel-style keychain, $6
When discussing Eastern Market's newest retail incarnation, Well Done Goods, it's hard to keep from stepping into fangirl territory, but we will give it a go. Bethany Shorb stocks all sorts of fun and offbeat gifts that your paramour will love — we just picked out this vintage motel-style keychain because the message is so romantic. You'll find other Valentine-friendly incarnations that read, "Wine me, dine me, 69," and "Bite me," plus 27 other versions, some of which would be great to give to friends ('Nasty Woman" and "Best Fucking Friends") this Feb. 14.

Heart mug, $15

Who says Valentine's Day has to be all about red and pink and metaphorically shaped hearts? If you don't have time for any of that sappy ass bullshit, give the one you love this anatomically correct heart mug and call it a day. They'll appreciate your unconventional take on the whole "day of love" thing, but will also be secretly wondering if that means you just gave them your heart. Aw! You can pick up this mug at Well Done Goods in Eastern Market.

Butt-naked JKM candle, $16
According to Jenny Rustokowski, the creator and stay-at-home mom behind JKM Candles, the Butt Naked candle is "a combination of tropical fruits, sandy beaches, and tanning lotion — scents that might make you want to be 'butt naked.'" We suggest giving one to your swain as a subtle indication of how you'd like to spend the evening. You can buy one off the JKM website or pick one up are her various stockists around town — City Bird, Kitty Deluxe, Rail and Anchor, Poesy, and the Eyrie to name a few.

Glass action stained glass night light, $105 
Full disclosure, a friend once commissioned Carey Gustafson to make a custom night light in the likeness of my husband and I and it is still one of my most treasured household items. I keep it in my bathroom, and after guests exit the potty they almost always comment on its glory. Gustafson, the one-woman show that is Glass Action, crafts these glass effigies inside her Ferndale in-home studio and if the price seems exorbitant for a night light, consider she constructs and paints them all by hand, plus this is something you're likely to keep for a lifetime. She also crafts jewelry, cake toppers, and other speciality items. Check out her goods on her Etsy page, etsy.com/shop/GlassAction.

About The Author

Alysa Zavala-Offman

Alysa Zavala-Offman is the managing editor of Detroit Metro Times. She lives in the downriver city of Wyandotte with her husband, toddler, mutt, and two orange cats.
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