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Best Of 1999

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Romance

Best Place to Meet Mr./Ms. Right

At church

Best Place to Meet Mr./Ms. Wrong

A bar

Our readers have proven themselves to be intelligent, sensible and in good taste by voting (cue the shrieking) bars as the best place to meet Mr./Ms.Wrong.

Despite what’s often said, people are ugly after 2 a.m. Instead of wasting your money on cover charge and drinks, why not go to a 7-Eleven, buy a fifth, and go Dumpster diving behind the store if you insist on picking up trash!

Moreover, nothing is more frightening than the torrid tales of dysfunctional relationships and marriages spawning from the bars.

Welcome to Never Never Land, where you can choose, from any bar’s shallow intellectual-growth-deprivation tanks, the Peter Pan of your dreams!

Whether they’re materialistic or downtrodden, these little boys’ minds have not caught up with their adult bodies. Oh, if only they could live at home forever with their mothers! However, since they can’t have sex with their mothers, they head to the bars to seek out the Wendys of the world.

These barflys’ distortion of reality is rooted in both the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment.

Our next case study is Wendy, a veritable Barbie doll with all her hairspray, goo and clown makeup. Nothing like primping for perfection to hide all those flaws and insecurities from Peter Pan.

It’s hard to know who’s the predator and who’s the prey. Either way, there’s nothing quite like watching unresolved issues of every kind, live and in person.

As Metro Times readers know, if you’re looking for a date, mate or a piece at a bar, you get what you pay for. —Karen Mouradjian

Best Pick-Up Line

"I lost my phone number, can I have yours?"

I’ve always thought it weird when the goal of pick-up-type interactions is to procure a phone number – rather than making something happen right then and there.

In my day, back in the Cretaceous, "to be picked up" meant "we blow this pop stand together tonight, and see what happens." Nowadays, you get the number first so you can check the person out more slowly. Wise. (Monica/Bill exception duly noted.)

Or do Metro Times readers just prefer phone sex? Because a plurality nominated the following your "best pick-up line:" "I’ve lost my phone number – could I have yours?"

Consider also some of the other nominees:

• The plea for sympathy: "I’m in town for a funeral."

• The health-conscious: "I don’t smoke."

• The compliment you never heard before (so it must be sincere): "You have great clavicles."

• The appeal to family values: "I’ll bet your Dad’s handsome."

• The appeal to shock value: "Since we just met, I guess a blow job is out of the question." (Monica/Bill exception duly noted.)

• The appeal to value for money: "I’m a millionaire."

• The appeal to patriotism: "I seem to have dropped my Congressional Medal of Honor – have you seen it?" — Jane Slaughter

Best Place for a First Date

Movie theater

Best Place to Propose

A romantic restaurant

Best Place to Get Married

Church

Best Honeymoon

Hawaii

Best Place to Cheat On Your Partner

Windsor

Best Place to Celebrate Your Divorce

Any bar

Best Matchmaker

Metro Times Links/Connection

Best Line for Ditching a Date

"I’m sick"

There were some common themes in this category. Several of our readers hid behind assorted work, family, emergency and illness-related excuses in ditching their dreaded dates.

Some suggested the classic lines – "I’ll be right back" and "I’ll call you."

The most interesting was that a couple of our readers suggested being honest and telling the truth. Truth? Honesty? In the ’90s??!! BLASPHEMY! They must belong to the Green Party! In that case, their parents did something right in raising them.

Some of our readers’ more creative lines included "You weren’t home," "I’m in labor," and "Look over there!"

The weirdest was, "Let’s go back to my place so I can kill you." (If that doesn’t convince you not to let that dreamboat go, I don’t know what will. Why take some boring lawyer or doctor home to meet Mom, when you can take home a homicidal maniac instead?)

But these lines serve a vital purpose. There’s nothing like waking up (or coming down) and desperately trying to get out of that ghoulish date.

So, to borrow a few more good lines, I have to go now; I have to find my Marinol before they pull my weekend passes for good. And man, I’ve got a splitting headache from all the voices in my head screaming at each other. — Karen Mouradjian

Five Best Online Sex Chat Room Pseudonyms

twinkletoes
funksoulbrotherno.1
bucknaked
billc
johnengler

Best Celebrity Fantasy

Brad Pitt

Best Florist

Viviano’s 32050 Harper, St. Clair Shores, 810-293-0227

Best Jewelry Store

Tapper’s Orchard Mall, West Bloomfield, 248-932-7700

Most Romantic Restaurant

The Whitney

Best Place for an Afternoon Date

Detroit Institute of Arts

So where can you take this slender girl with little voice and no opinions to find out whether she’s dense or merely shy?

The DIA, of course. Walk her through the luminous corridors of the ground floor, plant her before Van Gogh’s self-portrait and whisper in her ear the story of his sacrifice.

Be frightfully prepared. First, show her a print of Bosch’s "Garden of Earthly Delights" (Hell, to be more precise) which you can find at the DIA store, and point out to her the human ear in the top left corner of the painting. Then remind her of the scene in Blue Velvet where Kyle MacLaughlan – he of the firm chin – finds that shriveled-up ear which is the key to the whole mystery.

Then have handy a still from Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs, the moment when Mr. Blonde screams in the severed ear of the young policeman.

Only when she’s in full possession of these facts should you recount Vincent’s sad story. If she sees how the "ear motif" functions in these four separate cultural instances, she’s OK.

If she runs away screaming, you’ve been wasting your time all along.— Dayana Stetco

Best Place to Slow Dance

At home (in the living room!)

Sexiest Fragrance

Obsession

Sexiest Article of Clothing

Thong panties

Metro Times readers’ favorite article of sexy clothing leaves little to the imagination: The thong panty.

We can’t be sure, but your choices may have been influenced by the publicity surrounding Monica Lewinsky’s statement that she flashed her thong to Bill. As she told Barbara Walters, "If you take my word for it, it was a small, subtle, flirtatious gesture. And that’s me."

(Speaking of subtle flirtation, you also mentioned a cigar as a sexy article of clothing.)

In her interview with Walters, Lewinsky also referred to a "dance" of flirtation with the president. Come to think of it, if you had a small piece of material stuck up your butt, wouldn’t you dance?

Imagine a new dance craze, better than the Macarena. Right hand to the right cheek, left hand to the left cheek ... kind of like the Hokey Pokey, and then add in a cigar ... oh, never mind.

Seriously, though, thongs have their advantages. They’re great for avoiding unsightly pantylines, slimming if worn high on the hips and, depending on the material, they probably make good slingshots.

But if you plan on being regularly seen in thong panties, you might want to decide if it’s worth the razor burn. If you have to ask, we suggest renting Female Perversions and skipping the rest of this blurb.

Voters’ other choices for sexy clothing included brassieres and bustiers, jockstraps, men’s underwear, strappy high-heels, condoms and "anything crumpled up next to my bed." Plain old birthday suits were another favorite.

One person voted for the sleeveless undershirt dubbed the "wife beater." Whoever came up with that name for an undergarment?

Well, that’s part of the beauty of sexuality. It’s so subjective. — Jennifer Bagwell