Best Place to Meet Mr./Ms. Right
Best Place to Meet Mr./Ms. Wrong
Our readers have proven themselves to be intelligent, sensible and in good taste by voting (cue the shrieking) bars as the best place to meet Mr./Ms.Wrong.
Despite whats often said, people are ugly after 2 a.m. Instead of wasting your money on cover charge and drinks, why not go to a 7-Eleven, buy a fifth, and go Dumpster diving behind the store if you insist on picking up trash!
Moreover, nothing is more frightening than the torrid tales of dysfunctional relationships and marriages spawning from the bars.
Welcome to Never Never Land, where you can choose, from any bars shallow intellectual-growth-deprivation tanks, the Peter Pan of your dreams!
Whether theyre materialistic or downtrodden, these little boys minds have not caught up with their adult bodies. Oh, if only they could live at home forever with their mothers! However, since they cant have sex with their mothers, they head to the bars to seek out the Wendys of the world.
These barflys distortion of reality is rooted in both the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment.
Our next case study is Wendy, a veritable Barbie doll with all her hairspray, goo and clown makeup. Nothing like primping for perfection to hide all those flaws and insecurities from Peter Pan.
Its hard to know whos the predator and whos the prey. Either way, theres nothing quite like watching unresolved issues of every kind, live and in person.
As Metro Times readers know, if youre looking for a date, mate or a piece at a bar, you get what you pay for. —Karen Mouradjian
Best Pick-Up Line
"I lost my phone number, can I have yours?"
Ive always thought it weird when the goal of pick-up-type interactions is to procure a phone number rather than making something happen right then and there.
In my day, back in the Cretaceous, "to be picked up" meant "we blow this pop stand together tonight, and see what happens." Nowadays, you get the number first so you can check the person out more slowly. Wise. (Monica/Bill exception duly noted.)
Or do Metro Times readers just prefer phone sex? Because a plurality nominated the following your "best pick-up line:" "Ive lost my phone number could I have yours?"
Consider also some of the other nominees:
The plea for sympathy: "Im in town for a funeral."
The health-conscious: "I dont smoke."
The compliment you never heard before (so it must be sincere): "You have great clavicles."
The appeal to family values: "Ill bet your Dads handsome."
The appeal to shock value: "Since we just met, I guess a blow job is out of the question." (Monica/Bill exception duly noted.)
The appeal to value for money: "Im a millionaire."
The appeal to patriotism: "I seem to have dropped my Congressional Medal of Honor have you seen it?" — Jane Slaughter
Best Place for a First Date
Best Place to Propose
A romantic restaurant
Best Place to Get Married
Best Place to Cheat On Your Partner
Best Place to Celebrate Your Divorce
Metro Times Links/Connection
Best Line for Ditching a Date
There were some common themes in this category. Several of our readers hid behind assorted work, family, emergency and illness-related excuses in ditching their dreaded dates.
Some suggested the classic lines "Ill be right back" and "Ill call you."
The most interesting was that a couple of our readers suggested being honest and telling the truth. Truth? Honesty? In the 90s??!! BLASPHEMY! They must belong to the Green Party! In that case, their parents did something right in raising them.
Some of our readers more creative lines included "You werent home," "Im in labor," and "Look over there!"
The weirdest was, "Lets go back to my place so I can kill you." (If that doesnt convince you not to let that dreamboat go, I dont know what will. Why take some boring lawyer or doctor home to meet Mom, when you can take home a homicidal maniac instead?)
But these lines serve a vital purpose. Theres nothing like waking up (or coming down) and desperately trying to get out of that ghoulish date.
So, to borrow a few more good lines, I have to go now; I have to find my Marinol before they pull my weekend passes for good. And man, Ive got a splitting headache from all the voices in my head screaming at each other. — Karen Mouradjian
Five Best Online Sex Chat Room Pseudonyms
Best Celebrity Fantasy
Vivianos 32050 Harper, St. Clair Shores, 810-293-0227
Best Jewelry Store
Tappers Orchard Mall, West Bloomfield, 248-932-7700
Most Romantic Restaurant
Best Place for an Afternoon Date
Detroit Institute of Arts
So where can you take this slender girl with little voice and no opinions to find out whether shes dense or merely shy?
The DIA, of course. Walk her through the luminous corridors of the ground floor, plant her before Van Goghs self-portrait and whisper in her ear the story of his sacrifice.
Be frightfully prepared. First, show her a print of Boschs "Garden of Earthly Delights" (Hell, to be more precise) which you can find at the DIA store, and point out to her the human ear in the top left corner of the painting. Then remind her of the scene in Blue Velvet where Kyle MacLaughlan he of the firm chin finds that shriveled-up ear which is the key to the whole mystery.
Then have handy a still from Tarantinos Reservoir Dogs, the moment when Mr. Blonde screams in the severed ear of the young policeman.
Only when shes in full possession of these facts should you recount Vincents sad story. If she sees how the "ear motif" functions in these four separate cultural instances, shes OK.
If she runs away screaming, youve been wasting your time all along.— Dayana Stetco
Best Place to Slow Dance
At home (in the living room!)
Sexiest Article of Clothing
Metro Times readers favorite article of sexy clothing leaves little to the imagination: The thong panty.
We cant be sure, but your choices may have been influenced by the publicity surrounding Monica Lewinskys statement that she flashed her thong to Bill. As she told Barbara Walters, "If you take my word for it, it was a small, subtle, flirtatious gesture. And thats me."
(Speaking of subtle flirtation, you also mentioned a cigar as a sexy article of clothing.)
In her interview with Walters, Lewinsky also referred to a "dance" of flirtation with the president. Come to think of it, if you had a small piece of material stuck up your butt, wouldnt you dance?
Imagine a new dance craze, better than the Macarena. Right hand to the right cheek, left hand to the left cheek ... kind of like the Hokey Pokey, and then add in a cigar ... oh, never mind.
Seriously, though, thongs have their advantages. Theyre great for avoiding unsightly pantylines, slimming if worn high on the hips and, depending on the material, they probably make good slingshots.
But if you plan on being regularly seen in thong panties, you might want to decide if its worth the razor burn. If you have to ask, we suggest renting Female Perversions and skipping the rest of this blurb.
Voters other choices for sexy clothing included brassieres and bustiers, jockstraps, mens underwear, strappy high-heels, condoms and "anything crumpled up next to my bed." Plain old birthday suits were another favorite.
One person voted for the sleeveless undershirt dubbed the "wife beater." Whoever came up with that name for an undergarment?
Well, thats part of the beauty of sexuality. Its so subjective. — Jennifer Bagwell
Best Spot for Outdoor Sex
Best Sunrise View
Best Alternative Use For Altoids
Oral Sex (Monicas idea)
Best Alternative Use for Viagra
Best Place to Get Health Care
Henry Ford Hospital