A: First, skip the porn for a while. It's only complicating things. Also, if you can occasionally be "selfish" you are more likely to occasionally be generous. From time to time, have sex just for yourself. You might say ahead of time "This one's for me" or you can just come when you're ready and then continue to satisfy her with hand, mouth or anything else. And your fantasies of being dominated are quite common and have nothing to do with when you became sexually active. Be honest with your wife about how much being submissive turns you on and exactly what you would like her to do to you. Several excellent books for beginners on this kind of sex play are published by Greenery Press (www.greenerypress.com). Once you have a working arrangement with your wife so that both of you are getting satisfied most of the time, then you might investigate what place, if any, you want pornography and masturbation to have in your private life.
Q: I have a friend who I have been seeing for six or seven years. She has a nice-sized vagina. However the other day I noticed that it had gotten almost twice its usual size. I asked her about this and she said she was ovulating. But she did not just start ovulating the other day, meaning I have never seen it that large. My take on it was that she had been having sex with someone else larger and more forceful and maybe orally to cause such a swell. Does ovulating cause such a swell or is there another explanation for it?
A: Ovulating does cause changes within the vagina, but mainly in the texture of its secretions, not any significant looseness or puffiness of the labia or vaginal opening or anything else visible. What does cause such a change is high arousal, at that moment or recently enough that the engorgement has not had time to subside. She could have just been masturbating just as easily as having sex with someone else. If there was a someone, it would have been so recent that you might have heard the door slam. If it were more than a matter of minutes ago, what they did or how large a something was used, would not be material. Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at [email protected] Her Sexuality Forum is at