Where’d that come from?

Jan 16, 2002 at 12:00 am
Q: How does female ejaculation work? I know there's a path that sperm takes, and that there are several body parts involved in producing and ejaculating the sperm, but how does it work for women? What is the fluid that is expelled? Where is it produced? Why does it happen sometimes and not other times? I had only experienced this while masturbating with a vibrator, but I am now ejaculating on a regular basis with my boyfriend. I think the fluid has a smell of urine — sometimes faint and sometimes stronger. I would be embarrassed about this if he wasn't so turned on that he can make me do it.

A: I can't give you definitive answers. I have read the doctoral thesis by Gary Schubach on this matter, spoken with Beverly Whipple, researcher and co-author of The G-Spot and Other Recent Discoveries in Human Sexuality (which first discussed this in the popular press), compared notes with knowledgeable women who ejaculate and their partners, but many questions remain unanswered. There are still gynecologists who insist that female ejaculation is a myth, though you and I have empirical evidence otherwise. The expelled fluid is more like tears than urine, and most like spermless prostatic fluid in chemical composition. Since it appears to come from the urethra just like ejaculate in males, it will contain traces of urine. Ejaculation appears to be more common in situations of highest arousal, more usually from G-spot stimulation, and often in older women, but it is not unknown otherwise. I think that the more women who lose their fear that they might pee in bed, the more women who will relax when they get that feeling and recognize their ejaculatory capabilities.

Q: I have been married for six years and I thought we had a great relationship. We have a 4-year-old son of our own and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We like the same stuff, but we worked too much and we didn't spend much time alone together. It ended up that he had an affair with my friend's sister. I found out because I saw his car parked in front of her house one day. That is now over and he says he would like to work it out. He is afraid that I will pay him back for his doing it to me and says he can't trust me. I feel the same way, but we are trying. We spend more time together now than when we were living together. We have wild and better sex. I have become more open to sex and enjoy it better. Should I accept him back or live on as I am because I can't trust him and am afraid that he will play me again?

A: Rebuilding trust takes time and requires recreating a history of trustworthy actions. If you can afford to live alone and the children aren't suffering, I'd take it slowly. Perhaps you should make some new agreement about how you both spend your time, as lovers as well as parents, and keep on talking, exchanging information on fears and desires and mutual goals.

Q: I am 42 years old and a virgin who hasn’t dated for 25 years. I am shy, but I know I want to have sex and love someone. The last time I had a girlfriend was when I was 16 years old. I have no friends to help me find someone. How can I meet someone, me being so shy? What is my chance of finding someone at this age?

A: Making connections with other people, both social and sexual, is a learnable skill. Some people have more natural talent at it than others, just like singing or skiing. If you have no friends, then you are starting from scratch with a lot of learning, and more importantly practice, to catch up on. You are going to have to make some significant changes in your life; that's always scary. I'd see a psychiatrist first; perhaps some anti-anxiety medications will make the process easier. Then get into a therapy group so that you can learn to reach out and respond to others in a safe setting. Observe other people. See what you can learn about personal style, facial expressions, body posture, smiling and other things that you can adopt for yourself. Get involved in something new — a class or volunteer group where the focus is off you and onto your common goal. Consider working with a sexual surrogate for hands-on sexual experience, if crossing that hurdle will allow you to feel more confident in your explorations. Now, square those shoulders and get out there and do something to bring people of both sexes into your life. Isadora Alman is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her via this paper or [email protected]. Her Sexuality Forum is at