The imperfect fit

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Q: My new lover's penis is longer than my vagina is deep. When we have intercourse some of the sensations feel unbelievably great, but some are painful. I am looking for advice on how to avoid the painful part so I can keep the great part. I think he's pushing against the top of my vagina, the cervix, and that's what's causing the pain. One way to avoid this is probably for him not to thrust so deeply at full force. Is this sort of thing a great loss for men? Of course, I will ask him. In addition to it being painful, I am concerned about any damage it might do to me if we continue to do it the deep, full-force way. Any insight on this?

A: First, ask your gynecologist to check out the health of your vagina and cervix. Something such as a chronic yeast infection, genital warts or a host of other unpleasant things can make your cervix unduly sensitive. Second, if intercourse can provide some unbelievably wonderful sensations, then why would you voluntarily temper them with painful ones? If it hurts, cease and desist. Some guys can't help deep, full-force thrusting in the moments before orgasm; some can, but they don't want to. Yes, of course, discuss it with your guy, but in any case, I suggest changing to a position in which he can go full steam ahead for the grand finale without causing you any pain. That could be missionary position with your legs apart or even crossed so that the first few inches of his penis go between your thighs and more shallowly into your vagina. Experiment. I'm sure you can find a few more that will work for you.

Q: I'm a 42-year-old man who's single right now. I am being sought out by men and women of all ages to participate in adventurous sexual scenarios such as in threesomes or being presented to someone as a gift. Being a bisexual male. I've even experienced hubby/wife and brother/sister in one visit. This is taking a toll on my psyche, not to mention my major-sized schlong which is why I am only recommended to really nice people. It's the one-sided pleasure that leaves me empty. I am always there as the pleasure provider and I'm never given the opportunity of someone being there to pleasure me. I could sure use some advice.

A: Some ideas, probably eventually mutually exclusive: stop sport fucking, look for a meaningful egalitarian relationship of give and take, and/or negotiate better and more clearly with your play partners so that you get something out of the deal other than ego strokes.

Q: I was so pleased to have my live-in boyfriend watch "Sex In The City" with me that I had no idea that a peculiar problem would arise as a result. There was an episode last season where Carrie announced to her gal pals that she had "left something behind" at her boyfriend's place — a turd. It seems that discussion among the four women about going No. 2 really aroused my boyfriend. He is now virtually obsessed with watching me "go potty" and feels terribly hurt if I have a bowel movement without allowing him to watch. Lately he expects me to put on quite a scat performance for him in hose, garter belt and heels. Sometimes he wants me to go in my panties which is a bit of a mess, especially if I am late for work. He is getting increasingly obsessive with what I eat, as he does not want me to produce any odorous loose stools. He can be very angry about this. I think he had some girlfriend who was really into this a long time ago. Anyway, other than his peculiar feces fetish, he is a nice guy, but I am really getting tired of this routine. Any suggestions? —Pooped out

A: I don't usually, but I just had to include your signature. OK, what can I suggest? That you keep on ... er, trucking? That he stop asking for what he wants? You can only do what most couples do when one craves something the other is not keen on — whether it's fetish play or cuddling when you sleep together — find some sort of compromise that will work most of the time. No such agreement will be ideal since it involves his getting less of what he wants and you doing at least some of what you don't particularly enjoy. If you can't find a workable accommodation you can agree to have him go elsewhere to satisfy his particular kink or you will eventually break up over it. If you do — well, shit happens.

Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum ( or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions individually.

Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum ( or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions
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