A: In trying to come up with some answers for you I either got lost in a maze of online pornography featuring teenybopper tushies or dry lists of proctological practices, but I couldn't find an end source (groan) for fanny fanciers dealing with history or sociology. Readers?
Q: I am in a relationship with someone whom I love very much. We have a new baby together; he also has two wonderful children from a previous marriage. We are not married, mainly because I believe he fears it, and I do not press the issue because I feel as though I am a special person who should not need to ask someone to marry me. We have various problems we want to work out first before we get married. One of these problems is the fact that he is, and always has been, more liberal about sex than I am. I have always looked at sex as something two people who love each other share, and I've never really swayed from that. He has, as I perceive it, a rather shady past and it bothers me immensely. I understand that his past is none of my business. It's not necessarily the incidents that have occurred (which unfortunately I probably know too much about) but the mind-set and lack of morals I feel would lead a person to do these things. I am not saying I am a saint, but I can't understand why he wouldn't have just said no. I know this problem is hurting our relationship. He is a good person. I know this. He is a great father and close with his family. But I have a bad habit of thinking a person's sexuality encapsulates that person. Sometimes when he's not around I obsess over his morals. By the time I see him later in the day I am a total bitch. I have problems with sexuality. I have been to three psychologists already for these issues, and others. I was convinced for a long time that I must have been sexually abused or something because I have so many of the symptoms, but testing has pretty much concluded that I have not been so abused. The first time I had sex was by force, which I'm sure doesn't help, but it was a long time ago and I feel I am over it. How can I keep his past from haunting me? How can I try to make our relationship better? I want to love him fully, for who he is, and not worry about the things he did 10 years ago, and not think about the mind-set he had when he was 18. We are 30 years old. He gets so angry with me because he says I think he's a bad person. I don't think he is. I always thought the person I would be with would share my views on sex, but I love him, and have to learn to accept his liberalism. I know I need help, but I can't afford to go to another psychologist. Is there any advice you can give me, besides to stop being a selfish, meddling psycho? I would like to raise my daughter in a happy family environment as I was blessed with, and I cannot start to do that until I discover a path toward recovery as far as this problem is concerned.
A: I can't see how your daughter can have a happy family environment with a mother as miserable as you paint yourself. The problem is with you and what you tell yourself, not your past or your partner's. Find your local mental health clinic or a therapist or counseling service with a sliding scale and go learn some practical tips on self-talk (what to say to yourself instead when you start running those old tired tales about your partner's past). You can't afford not to get good psychological help.
Q: I understand that HIV and AIDS are caused by the exchange of body fluids. Does soul kissing with saliva constitute an exchange of body fluids?
A: It does, but saliva is not considered a risk behavior for HIV transmission. Kiss whomever you please.
