Talking dirty

Q: I've been seeing a guy for about five years who is 6'2". When we first met we were both in fantastic physical condition. In the past two years he has gained over 100 pounds. Instead of being 175 he's probably around 300 pounds. When we have sex he insists on being on top, and because I am petite it feels like he is smothering me and I can't breathe. Help.

A: Don't tell me, tell him.

Q: My man is a big guy who sweats profusely. Recently I noticed he has an odor about him. I have dropped hints like, "Let's take a shower or bath together," and he always blows me off. I have stopped kissing him because he rarely brushes his teeth. I have offered him candy, gum and mints, but he refuses everything. I love to go down on him but have even stopped that because I am not sure the last time he showered. I love the guy but sometimes I don't even want him to touch me. What can I do?

A: Stop hinting and say loudly and clearly: "You're dirty. You smell. Don't come near me until you've cleaned yourself up." Don't be surprised, though, if there's a bigger problem here than just your being in love with an oblivious slob.

Q: I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year and a half. I am in my late 20s. He's helped me become comfortable with my body and with sex. He's even inspired me to experiment with it. About six months ago I told him I couldn't see him anymore because I was too in love with him to share him and I couldn't handle the one-hour increments of time we would spend together. He told me there was no way he would ever leave his wife. I continued to see him regularly, though I was trying to figure out a way to end it. One morning he came over to my house and told me he asked his wife for a divorce. Was it because of me? I really don't know. We continued to see each other, this time spending the night together and actually taking little day trips. Recently he told me he won't be able to see me until the whole divorce process is completed, which could be at least a few months, maybe even a year, but he has told me he wants me to wait for him. I want to tell him that I can wait because I think I have found my soul mate, but I don't want to hang around prolonging the pain only to be let down. Besides, I already miss the intimacy we had and it's only been a week. Any suggestions?

A: Insight? There have been men who left their wives and married their longtime lovers, but what the lover then has is a man whom she knows cheated before and walked out on another woman — not the most comforting of histories on which to base a relationship. I don't think it's fair to you or of him to ask for you to sit around and twiddle while you wonder what's going on. Go about your life as best you can. Go out with friends. Accept a date if someone interesting presents himself. If the married man is your soul mate (whatever that is), you can then re-evaluate where you are when he is free to come to you.

Q: I am a 40-year-old heterosexual male. I started working out in the morning at a local gym and I couldn't help noticing the size of the penises on some of the men in the showers. I was overwhelmed. I have never had a sexual encounter with a male before and I don't think I want to. However, I would like to know why I noticed what I did in the shower. Do you think I might have a homophobic tendency? Or do you think I might feel inferior because I am not that well endowed? Please let me know what you think.

A: You're asking me what I think you might be feeling? You notice other men's penises because they're something new to look at. If you never saw a bunch of men with ear muffs, you'd be noticing those. It's human to look and compare. How you feel about those comparisons is a result of what you tell yourself. If you tell yourself that all those men have better, nicer looking, probably more efficient dicks than you do, then you are feeling inferior. If the sight of all that naked masculinity fills you with desire, those are homosexual feelings. If you fear that all those dicks will be pointing at you with wanton lust, aching to make a move on you, that's homophobia. Is it any clearer yet? Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum ( or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she can not answer questions

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