Stretching the truth

Q: I am a 38-year-old male, married and with two children. I have a spandex fetish that I have had to hide from my wife because it would hurt her if she knew I wore the stuff in public. I often wonder if I have an abnormal behavior? She thinks it’s perverted. Typically, I will spend my lunch hour at a crowded shopping mall and I will wear some tight, form-fitting spandex shorts with a seamless crotch. I will keep my anatomy hidden under my sweater or jacket until I see a woman I want to show off my body to. Then I will pivot my body to accommodate her view only and, using my sunglasses, turn my head as if I were looking on but I look to catch her gaze. What follows is a euphoria that is hard to explain. Can you offer any ideas as to what I am doing, and why is this so addictive?

A: Anything that provides a rush of euphoric excitement — whether gambling, sledding, shopping or flashing — is "addictive" in the sense of habit-forming. When your behavior is out of control, when you feel guilty or bad after the rush is over and keep losing the struggle to refrain from repeating it, you have a compulsion that needs treatment. The reasons for your particular kink, or any, for that matter, lie in your formative years. Your spandex thing is abnormal in that not a whole lot of people get the kick out of wearing it that you do, and they don’t feel compelled to hide that from their spouse. Keeping such a deep, dark secret can't be great for your marriage, but it's your decision.

Q: My husband and I are having a sexual problem. He can only ejaculate when one of us gives him a hand job — and not all the time even then. He says I sexually excite him but I'm beginning to think I don't. It is getting to where he doesn't even want to try and have sex with me anymore. I don't know what to do.

A: Are the two of you new to sex together? A man used to solo sex often cannot get accustomed to the feel of achieving an orgasm in any other way. If that's the case, let him know that you're willing to finish him with your hand after other sex or that it's fine with you if he does it himself. (And let it be fine that he does; what kind of friction he requires has nothing to do with your attractiveness.) If there's more going on here than this — if, for instance, he wants some other sort of stimulation that he hasn't asked for, and you have urged him to express himself — a consultation with a sex therapist might prove helpful.

Q: I am currently dating a wonderful man, and I want us to enjoy a variety of sexual positions. However, we have encountered a slight problem: when I get excited, I tend to squeeze his penis out of my vagina. This is particularly troublesome when I am on top. Even moving slowly, I tend to push him out. Any suggestions how to prevent this from happening, or is there some "trick" to this position that I don't know?

A: Best thing I can suggest is Kegel exercises to strengthen your pelvic grip. These can be described in detail in most sexuality texts.

Q: I don't know what to do about a situation that has been going on for three months or so. I am a 20-year-old female in college. I live with another female of the same age and situations. I have found that I like to use various vegetables to masturbate with: carrots, cucumbers, zucchini and the like. One day my roommate was coming in the door. In a hurry to hide the evidence I put the carrot back into the refrigerator, not really thinking what was going on. Later that evening I saw my roommate eating that carrot and I got really wet and horny. I have been doing this on purpose ever since. I just love watching her eat vegetables that have been inside me. But now, one of my friends who is a biology major told me that my roommate might contract an illness from me because of this. Is this habit of mine as unsafe as my friend says it is? And do I tell my roommate what I have been doing or should I just stop doing it?

A: It's not only unsafe, it's nasty. Buy yourself a dildo or your own private carrot, quit pilfering the community veggie bin, and keep your horny eyes off any candy canes. The less said here the better, unless you want to start the new year looking for a new living situation. Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum (www.askisadora.com) or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions