Rekindling the fire

Q: I have been seeing my boyfriend for about three years. I love and trust him; he loves and trusts me. There is no doubt in my mind that he is faithful, as am I. But our sex life is dead. We rarely have sex. In fact, we rarely even fool around. I have tried to lavish attention and playfulness and affection on him, but he rarely responds. We haven't spoken of this matter in a long time because he changes the subject or blows me off when I mention this lack of intimacy. I'm worried, not about his loving me, but about his wanting me. I feel like I don't excite him or turn him on. I always thought men wanted sex but now I'm wondering why this man does not. I've thought about the possibility of his being stressed at work, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Is this common? Might this be my fault somehow?

A: It could be your fault. It could be his fault. The fault could lie in the relationship or even in the stars. One of a twosome losing their desire is all too common, alas, and it happens to men as often as is does to women, in same-sex pairs as well as mixed couples. Some of the reasons could be boredom, anger, depression, fear of intimacy, a problem outside the relationship (like career issues) or within it (like falling out of love). With no more information than this, it's anyone's guess. And guess is what you'll have to do until you force a confrontation and find out what's going on. A quote by Andrew Boyd to keep in mind (and no, I don't know who he is either): "The truth will set you free, but first it will hurt like hell."

Q: What's the deal with the cocks in porn? My girlfriend keeps asking to look at some porn with me, but I am nervous and stalling. Those guys have huge schlongs, while mine is less than 6 inches long when hard — about average, I guess. Mine looks tiny compared to the man-meat in porn. Are these cocks real, or are they the result of digital morphing, cut-and-paste photo work or other techniques? I heard somewhere that some of the guys in porn wear fake cocks made by moonlighting prop people in Hollywood. True? Maybe there is something I can tell my girlfriend so she doesn't think every guy out there is sporting an 8-inch pleasure stick? And does this even matter? Will the movies just make her crave giant cock, regardless of whether porn cock is fake?

A: Unless your girlfriend is extremely secure about her own attributes, she will probably be busy worrying whether you crave a partner with breasts like basketballs whose nipples always point skyward no matter what position their owner is in and whether she should smile winsomely if you accidentally or on purpose squirted all over her face. Commercial pornography is fantasy stuff. The people are fairly unreal, their body parts are extremely unusual and their behaviors unlikely. This all could be open to discussion between you beforehand so that you both feel better. You might also get some female-oriented pornography or some that's a tad more tasteful. Check out the staff reviews at or And while I have heard of fake penises, my understanding is most, if not all, of the humongous bolognas sported by porn actors are theirs, are real, and are the reason they went into this line of work and not, say, modeling underwear for Sears.

Q: I am a married 60-year-old man. A few months ago an 86-year-old women across the street asked me to fix something. After a little while our talk turned to sex. Since then I have been having sex with her, both regular and oral. I never thought sex could be this good. Have you heard of sex at this age?

A: Yes. It's almost as common as married folks who cheat with their neighbors. Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at [email protected] Her Sexuality Forum is at

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