Pump up the volume

Share on Nextdoor
• A math-minded friend has pointed out that the only true way to measure your dick is by volume. Obviously, you need to consider thickness as well as length. Since the penis is more or less a cylinder, you first need the radius. To get that you measure the circumference, divide that by pi (3.1416), then divide by 2. (checking) The formula for the volume of a cylinder is the radius squared times the length times pi. I happen to come in at 25.5 cubic inches. That doesn't mean much to most people, so if you want to convert that to ounces divide by 1.8. I weigh in at slightly over 14 ounces. I like to think that's what's meant by "heavily hung."

• In response to the man whose wife has developed a relationship with a lady executive who ties her up and tickles her feet: speaking as one who has a tickling fetish and who has met many men who enjoy the same interest, this man should see this as an opportunity to explore and rekindle his own sexual relationship with his wife. His wife apparently does not see hers as a sexual activity, but I think her behavior sends a very clear message — she would like more attention and would welcome his playing similar tickling games with her. The sensations for both top and bottom in this sort of game playing are very intense. If his wife has developed a taste for this sort of play it is unlikely she will lose interest. He, on the other hand, may develop a new interest by incorporating it into their own bedroom activities.

• Thank you for your advice on how to find fartees. I now have two one-on-one situations and a menage. I keep likely responders to my ads on file in case I expand my efforts or someone drops out. I've disqualified many out of hand because I insist on being the farter; no way will I be a fartee.

• Women of all ages who read your column should be aware that the new Panasonic rechargeable pore cleaner can also be used as an incredibly effective clitoris engorger/stimulator and sells for only about $70; the new Eurometrics Eros system requires a doctor's prescription and sells for about $350.

• Your suggestion to the woman who does not want sex with her husband that she might find out why by a "thorough physical exam and by leveling with your doctor about your concerns" sounds like good advice, but given the state of most health coverage these days it might as well be advice to consult with a Martian. At my HMO they are so tightly scheduled you're lucky if you can get a minute or two of questions even during the supposedly in-depth yearly physical, and I had pretty much the same experience with my previous HMO. Shopping around is not realistic. I've got pre-existing conditions so it's hard enough to get any coverage at all. Aside from my specific problems, this is the direction health care is going — a dangerous joke.

• Just wanted to share a couple of tips: 1. If a man warms his balls with a hair dryer for 10 minutes prior to orgasm it will increase the volume of his ejaculate. 2. If one masturbates with his/her nonregular hand it creates a uniquely vivid experience.

• Regarding the boyfriend with eczema in delicate places: I agree that he needs to bring his chronic condition under control. An allergist may help, but most dermatologists treat only the symptoms. I urge this man go try alternative treatment — acupuncture, traditional Chinese medicine, whatever. Traditional Western medicine doesn't offer good solutions for eczema. The National Eczema Association for Science and Education 1220 SW Morrison, No. 433, Portland, OR 97205 produces a quarterly newsletter.

• To the 31-year-old African-American woman with the 8-year-old "bonus": As a mainstream guy I can tell you that very few guys view a child as a bonus. Baggage comes closer to the general opinion. I think you should have questioned her approach to guys. When does she bring him up? — First words from her mouth? During foreplay? Or smoking after the fact? I think you should have referred her to the local chapters of single parents' organizations.

• In response to the 31-year-old African-American woman who has run out of ideas on how to find a guy — it's not just you. I'm a man having the same trouble finding a woman. I agree with Isadora's response about taking the initiative (something most women seem hesitant to do) and to keep trying. The woman can find my ad under "Black and Beautiful."

• It's preposterous, of course, that a man might gain an inch of penis for each 35 pounds he loses. Then again, in losing 35 pounds, he might very well lose an inch from the front of his belly, and he might be able to reach an inch further with his unlengthened penis, and the net result might be the same. Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum (www.askisadora.com) or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions

Scroll to read more Culture articles


Join Detroit Metro Times Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.