Playing rough

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Q: I am a guy who enjoys rough nipple sex with other guys, both giving and receiving. The harder the play, the harder I get. The problem: most of the guys I do this with have well-developed nipples that are a half-inch long or more and are very hard, while mine are flat as a board and, after, shooting my load, hurt like hell for a couple of days. Is there anything I can do about this? I've heard about silicone injections but I think they're dangerous. I can't talk to my doctor about this because he thinks I'm just a regular guy.

A: Regular guys don't have nipples? Yeah, OK, but if you're not out to your doctor, then how complete can your medical advice be? To find out about any safe cosmetic-enhancement possibilities, consult a community-recommended plastic surgeon or one who advertises in the gay papers. Most of them have heard every possible request about body modification the human mind can invent — bigger these, smaller those, more hair here and none at all there. However, the more yanking and pulling those nipples get, the more they are likely to enlarge. The advice from this corner is to go out and get as much of the sex you enjoy as you can possibly stand. That's some advice I know is likely to be taken up!

Q: I have had a fantasy about watching my wife with another man. She is a very sexual and beautiful woman and it turns me on to think of being with her in that capacity. I do not feel like I have any twisted reasons for this, it is simply a very erotic thought for me. Are there any statistics on the percentage of men who share the same fantasy? I am looking to see if this fantasy is fairly normal or if there are relatively few men who think this is a turn-on.

A: I can't give you numbers because I'm just not a statistical kind of woman. Judging from the posts on my Sexuality Forum, it is not an uncommon fantasy, although those who struggle with jealousy can't fathom its erotic appeal any more than that of a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Voyeurs of their partners and armchair psychologists have come up with the following possible interpretations, including: "I love her and want to see her have pleasure I can't give her" and "I love that it's me she goes home with." It may also be a way of inoculating oneself against one's worst fears, and it may be a sublimation of homosexual feelings and desires.

Q: You get questions all the time from men who want to know how to tell when and if their female partners are having an orgasm. My question is different. I am a woman and I'm not sure how to recognize when and whether I have my own orgasms! Women friends tell me I'll know when I do, but that's as helpful as cooking instructions that say to bake until it "looks done." Are there any universal signs of orgasms?

A: There are a few, but they are not always easy to recognize in the heat of the moment, such as rhythmic contractions of the vagina and a skin flush of face and chest. Once you have had a few of whatever kind of orgasms your body produces, you will probably recognize them in the future, but not all women do know. The universal sign is a feeling of relaxation of tenseness, a full-body aaah. That's what an orgasm is, a release of building tension, almost exactly like a sneeze. And, like a sneeze, there are those who go in for explosive aaah-choo and those who expel a series of little catlike puffs that sound like ktch ktch ktch; there are many variations in between. A fuller explanation of this, and much more, is more expansively gone into in my Enjoying Sex — Some Solutions In An Age of Problems. ($15 audio tape, $5 for a booklet from me; send payment to 3145 Geary Blvd. #153, San Francisco, CA 94118) Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at [email protected] Her Sexuality Forum is at

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