For anyone not following the viral satirical Jurassic Park Updates account on Twitter, then lucky for you, you have no clue just how dangerously mismanaged the fictitious capitalist dino attraction really is.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 29, 2020
the velociraptors have figured out how to hold a gun
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 22, 2020
The reason Jurassic Park is on an island is that if the dinosaurs get out, the general public will be unharmed. The only folks at risk are the folks currently with us on our island.
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 26, 2020
Thankfully, there's a safer, more, uh, contained experience for anyone trying to get their dino fix where the organizers have absolutely not "programmed all the dinosaurs to have super jump" — and it's headed to metro Detroit for a limited run experience.
Jurassic Quest — which has sold-out in other cities — will invade DTE Energy Music Theatre Aug 7-16 and will feature 70 moving and life-like dinosaurs, including a 50-foot-long Megalodon and an 80-foot-long Spinosaurus. The family-friendly drive-thru safari-style event takes visitors on an hour-long car ride through the age of dinosaurs and includes an optional audio tour that can be accessed through visitor's phones and car speakers.
The robotic creatures, which move and roar (and according to the press release, could potentially swipe at your vehicle with their tails if you're not careful) were created in collaboration with paleontologists to make sure the dinos look and act as they did back when they roamed the Earth. Oh, yeah, and there's friggin' baby dinosaurs that you can take photos with because, you know, life finds a way.
There won't be food available but visitors are invited to bring their own car snacks. However, folks can snag merch via the Dino Store, which will offer cashless and touchless purchases, with items delivered to your vehicle. Per the release, staff and “trainers” will be wearing masks and will employ sanitary measures throughout the dino-viewing experience.
Tickets are $49 per vehicle (standard car or SUV) or $80 for oversized vehicles that tote nine or more passengers. Tickets can be purchased via 313presents.com or jurassicquest.com.
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