Bound to please

Jul 3, 2002 at 12:00 am
Q: My husband and I, both in our 30s, have been playing around with bondage for several years. It is always my husband who is tied up, spread-eagled on the bed, for three or four hours. He regrets having me untie him when our game is over, saying he wants to remain helpless a lot longer. I want to surprise him by extending the game to maybe 24 or even 48 hours, depending on how he seems to be tolerating it. We have a urinal, which has come in handy during our usual sessions. I was thinking of giving him only liquids if I keep him tied for a day or two, to avoid the need for a bedpan. We are aware of the safety aspects, so I never gag him or put anything near his neck. I never leave him out of my sight for a second and we have a safe word he can use if he needs to be cut loose immediately. Should I tie his arms and legs to the bedpost as usual? Is there a better way to tie him for longer periods?

A: I must admit that like the delights of bungee jumping, those of bondage totally escape me. Therefore, you’d best consult those who have become expert by dint of long experience. Greenery Press (888-944-4434 or, which specializes in "reading for the sexually adventurous," has several books out that could be just the thing. Among them are Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook, and The Mistress Manual: A Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance, by Mistress Lorelei.

Q: A serious relationship I was in ended about 11 months ago, mainly by my own doing. We were faithful, compatible and we had open communication, but I guess you could say we didn't listen to each other 100 percent. I did what any person in love would do to try to patch things up by writing love letters, calling and the like. I guess this was too much for her, because she placed a restraining order on me. I have never harmed her in any way, shape or form. Even after this order was in place we spoke over the phone on a few occasions. She has inspired me to write a daily journal of my heartache and my lessons learned. She made me change for the better — but she doesn't believe that I have learned the error of my ways. She doesn't appear to be with anyone else. It seems that no matter what I do, I am reminded of her by her friends, my friends, actually seeing her and even talking to strangers who know of her. Am I to believe that she is so stubborn that she is afraid to go back on her original decision for fear that she may look like she gave in? I don't think it's that she hates me, because she has had opportunities to get me into trouble. She has taught me a major lesson and I feel that she is the one who should reap the benefits of the "new me." If I never hear from her, should I send her my journal for closure? It was written for her and because of her. Am I to believe that I am a hopeless romantic who believes in happy endings? There are plenty of fish in the sea, but what do you do when you found that fish and you let that fish get away?

A: If you're wise, you accept that the fish is gone and move on with your life. It's a year later. There's a restraining order out on you. Sounds like she means it. You learned a valuable lesson, but she is not about to be handing out prizes for your homework. What could be gained by her reading pages and pages of your misery journal? A lover's misery, especially an ex-lover's, would be unlikely to elicit anything but "Ugh, I'm glad that's over." If there's to be any hope for the distant future, how can she miss you if you won't go away? Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at [email protected]. Her Sexuality Forum is at