An open letter to the person emailing UofM students Drake lyrics

The world is in the midst of Drake mania right now, and Michigan is no exception.

Fresh off making Meek Mill the unofficial poster boy of fails for the umpteenth time, Mr. Thug-Dove, The Walking Lullaby himself, Aubrey Graham also just participated in the 2016 NBA All-Star Weekend festivities held in his own native 6ix (that's Toronto, ON, for white people/non-Drake fans). It's been hard to be on the Internet or watch ESPN without seeing his signature smile, although no news struck home harder to myself, and fellow Mitten residents than the HOTLINEBLINGGATE of 2016. Wow. I really just typed that. What a time to be alive. 

It all started Wednesday, as tweets from University of Michigan students began to circulate around 6 pm of February 10th regarding The Human Tampon's 2015 smash hit "HOTLINEBLING". These tweets weren't rousing riots of praise and high regard though. Quite the opposite, in fact.

The subject matter regarding the situation struck quite a nerve amongst the student body. The emotions in related tweets ranged from confusion(WTF) to self wallow (WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS), to anger (I WANT TO HURT WHOEVER CAUSED THIS). The typical roller coaster of emotions that usually follow a bad break-up. Of course a Drake song was behind this.
According to The Michigan Daily, a student run website and newspaper, a user known only as [email protected] began crooning U-Mich students with Drake's HOTLINEBLING lyrics one line, one email at a time. Talk about foreplay.
According to a poll from the same source, half the participants responded "yes", regarding if they have received the multitude of emails from hotlineblingblingboi. It doesn't take a mathematician to realize this could easily translate into upwards of 21,000 students being held victim to reading lyrics about missing your ex, right before Valentine's Day, of all times. Thanks alot, jerk. 

Technology's dirty web trails led to the source being named Michael's Macbook Pro. Quick! How many Michaels are out there at the University of Michigan?!? Don't worry, I'll wait.

Further digging showed an intended audience for a Sophomore LSA Initiative, because nothing screams Literature, Science and Arts like Champagne Papi. (That's a stupid nickname by the way, and one I didn't make up like the aforementioned monikers. Drake's personal Instragram is literally Champagne Papi. Why a half-Jew half-Black Canadian yearns to be called "Papi" is preposterous on innumerable levels, but I suppose rich people can just do and say whatever they want and the public will roll with it. I mean, look at Donald Trump running for president and Kanye West dropping a Gospel Album.)

Back to the matter at hand. An open letter from me to you, Mystery Man, on behalf of the public. 

Dear Michael/Hotlineblingblingboi

Who are you? What do you want? Are you just desperate for a BBW? Are you just trolling for attention or is this a low key cry for help?

Yes, Michigan winters are tough but to get through it you don't need to throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. That's what Tinder is for. This is not you, [email protected]. This is not you, Michael. 

You should just be yourself. Right now you're somebody else. Now everybody knows that you feel left out. You've got Ann Arbor down, you've got 'em stressed out.  Ever since you sent them e-mails you, you, YOU...... you and them do just not get along. Students feel like you did them wrong. You're sending e-mails where they don't belong.

They used to log in to their school mail, when they need their stuff, really log in to their school mail, when they need their stuff.

But now when their phone rings... it could only mean one thing.

Matthew from Grand Blanc will cut you if you send him unsolicited e-mails.
Matthew from Grand Blanc will cut you if you send him unsolicited e-mails.

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