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We were giddy with the
thought of the guv high on truth serum, revealing his secret
desires and fears.
We were giddy with the thought of the guv high on truth serum, revealing his secret desires and fears.
Ersatz Engler
An interview you won't read anywhere else.
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10/28/98
We wanted the governor. Wanted him badly. But his people
were being coy. They're not stupid, after all. Sending their
man into the Metro Times for a candidate interview would be
something akin to dropping fresh meat into a tank of hungry
piranha. It wasn't likely to ever happen, but still we
hoped. And fantasized.
What would it be like, we wondered, if the governor really did come and we were able to slip a shot of sodium pentothal into the Diet Pepsi he'd surely accept to quench the thirst generated by that long drive from Lansing in his trusty Oldsmobile.
We were giddy with the thought of the guv high on truth serum, revealing to our rolling tape recorder his innermost desires and secret fears.
Then reality came crashing down. Though they immediately balked at a face-to-face, the governor's handlers seemed responsive to some fax-to-fax interaction. We zipped them a list of questions, then waited for the answers. And waited. Then called, and called, and called, and waited.
With the election and our deadline upon us, and still no response, we faced a dilemma. Do we run the Fieger interview solo, or do we devise an alternative? It is at that point we revisited the Diet Pepsi with a truth serum Mickey fantasy.
What if the governor really did come in, and what if he really did drop the boilerplate rhetoric and tell us what he truly thought?
We let our imaginations run wild.
METRO TIMES: When you first ran for office, you pledged to serve no more than two terms as governor. You've now reneged on that promise. What did you fail to accomplish during your first two terms that you would like to see done if re-elected again?
GOV. ENGLER: Look around you. There is much unfinished business. Take state mental hospitals. There's at least one or two I haven't shut yet. And wetlands--there're plenty remaining that need to be drained so that my good friends over at the Homebuilders Association can turn more useless wildlife habitat into lovely condos and mini-marts. The public school system has yet to be dismantled. And last time I looked, there were lots of menacing young black men still roaming free on the streets of Detroit, just waiting to be put to work making furniture in a newly privatized, for-profit prison. And welfare -- don't even get me started. As long as a single welfare mom and her brood of illegitimate children continue to suck even a drop off the public teat, I will not sleep easy.
MT: In a recent Metro Times story examining your environmental record, all the environmentalists we interviewed gave your administration failing grades for its environmental policies while pro-business groups gave you high environmental marks. Why do you think there is such a strong perception among many involved in the issue that your policies have favored business at the expense of the environment.
ENGLER: Are you all idiots? Do you know why that perception exists? Because it's 100 percent true, that's why. Look at those anonymous comments made by employees at all levels at the Department of Environmental Quality. They didn't hesitate to tell that group Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility how my boy Russ Harding has them folding, spindling and mutilating every regulation they can in order to let violators off the hook. Look, you folks have to face political reality. Only about 7 percent of the voters will make a decision based on environmental issues. As long as I have that PAC money from chemical manufacturers, the oil and gas industry, the Big Three and every other polluter in this great state rolling in by the truckload, I can screw the environmentalists anytime I want. Plus, when I can polish my national image by coming up with a con job like the Clean Michigan campaign, well, heh-heh-heh, it just makes me realize what a wonderful thing politics can be.
MT: Do you think the limited role for government that has been a hallmark of your administration would have to be reassessed if our economy goes into a deep recession?
ENGLER: Hell no. I realize you commies there at the Metro Times will never accept this, but we live in a capitalist society. So we have a few more homeless bums turn into Popsicles this winter. Tough toenails. And maybe crime does go up as people start robbing more to feed themselves -- all the more opportunity to pump up that thriving prison-industrial complex I envision. And when the bodies start falling through all those social safety nets I've ripped to shreds -- well, my advice is to step lively and keep your heads up or else you're going to get squished right along with all the other losers.
MT: The perception that you have neglected Detroit persists. Would you do anything to change that?
ENGLER: Well, that one really does concern me. Not that I give a lickety-shit about Detroit, but because if I'm ever going to get myself a spot on the national GOP ticket I'm going to have to prove to the big boys in D.C. that I can turn out the urban vote. Which is why, two weeks before the election, I announced that the state will move into the old General Motors headquarters. Matter of fact, I just this morning faxed Newt that front page photo of me and my boy Dennis Archer laughing like a couple of good ol' homeboys. Newt's gonna eat that shit up.
MT: When progressives look at eight years of Englerism, we see a state government that is leaner, but in many ways also meaner. Do you think that is a fair characterization?
ENGLER: Stop, you're killin' me. I mean it. You ask me these questions as if I really care. Look: The bottom line is the only line. As long as I can keep my fat cat contributors rolling in tax breaks and juicy government contracts cut in backroom deals, it won't matter how many little kids go hungry, how many crazy people walk the streets talking to their invisible friends, how many rivers go uncleaned, how many drug addicts go untreated, how many unions get busted. Are you getting it, or do you want me to get some crayons and draw you morons a picture. I could make a nice drawing of me kicking a cute little puppy dog for you to hang on your wall here, heh-heh-heh.
MT: What to you think the Engler legacy will be?
ENGLER: Billionaires and body bags. Some of the former, a lot of the latter. I'm just hoping I'm out of here by the time the riots start. Although mobilizing the National Guard to go in and really clean up in Detroit could be some really kick-ass fun.
MT: If re-elected, are you promising voters that you will serve the full term, or would you consider leaving to seek a national office during the next four years?
ENGLER: You people really are dense, aren't you.