You call this a sex life? 

Q: I am a straight male in an exclusive relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years, and her need for sex has dwindled. Any attempt to discuss this leads to tears and blame, like, “I am not into sex because you ...” or “Everything would be fine if only you would ... .” My most recent attempt at arousing her interest — taking her to her favorite chic eatery — came to an end when she passed out on the couch in front of the TV.

To supplement the once-in-a-while sex, I masturbate. Lately though, my girlfriend seems to have developed a problem with this. She is uncomfortable with me jerking off in bed next to her while she reads. However, if I go to the bathroom, she knocks on the door; if I get up to go to the spare bedroom, she follows me and says she wants to “talk.” The only time I get to myself is when she is at work and I’m at home. Lately she has taken to making fun of me when I stay home, saying things like “Can’t wait for me to go so you can jerk off, huh?” What the fuck? I understand that people have different sex drives, but if she isn’t up for it, then I think that she should at least let me alone to take care of my own needs. I am starting to have thoughts of breaking up with her. Before I take that step, how can I get her to understand that my jerking off is not a threat to our relationship? —Waiting Around, Needing Krack

A: It sounds like your girlfriend suffers from a rather common delusion among straight women: She believes that her boyfriend is cheating on her when he jerks off and/or looks at porn. A man can live successfully with a woman who suffers from this delusion, WANK, and avoid a messy confrontation provided she keeps him well-milked. You, sadly, are not well-milked; that means you have no choice but to confront this mean-spirited, controlling, castrating bitch. Tell your girlfriend that if you wanted to live with a woman who won’t fuck you and doesn’t want you to masturbate in her house, you would still live with your mother. While you’re willing to make allowances for and respect her lower sex drive, she has to make allowances for and respect your higher sex drive. Since you don’t get as much as you need from her, you’ll have to close the gap somehow. You can either jerk off or you can cheat on her — tell her to take her pick. Impress upon her that it’s not your jerking off that threatens your relationship but her attitude toward your jerking off and, finally, tell her in no uncertain terms that the next crack she makes about you jerking off ends this relationship.

Q: My wife and I have been married 17 years. She seemed interested in sex while we were dating, but her interest diminished dramatically after we married. For 15 years I was faithful and tried my best to encourage romance in our marriage, but she was never interested. I am amazed and envious of men who say they have had to go without sex for only a month! During the last 12 years we made love once a year (when I was lucky), and I had to endure comments from my wife including, “I appreciate it when you play with yourself so we don’t have to make love,” and, “You wish,” whenever I asked for sex.

I didn’t want to have an affair but I did start seeing prostitutes at year 14. She found out last year and we are now in marital counseling. I don’t blame her for being upset with me; this seems to have only made things worse and ruined any chances of us having a good sexual relationship. Though I am STD-free, she now says she is scared to make love with me. We’ve not had sex since she found out about the prostitutes. Any suggestions for someone who seems condemned to getting himself off for many years to come? —Have A Rather Difficult, Unpleasant Predicament

A: Here’s a suggestion: Start seeing prostitutes again.

Your wife is a bullshit piñata, HARDUP, and you’re a fucking pansy. She claims she’s too “scared” to have sex with you because you visited a few prostitutes. So what was her excuse before she found out about the prostitutes? No, the prostitutes aren’t the problem. You endured 14 years of sexual deprivation before you turned to whores, HARDUP, and any woman who refuses to have sex with her husband more than once a year can’t complain when he fucks around on her.

So stand up on your hind legs, HARDUP, and tell you wife that you’re done apologizing. Say this: “Yeah, I saw a few prostitutes. What the fuck did you expect me to do, cut my dick off?” Then tell her that you’re done with marital counseling, done feeling guilty and done asking her for sex. If she wants a sexless marriage — and clearly that’s what she’s wanted all along — she can fuckin’ have one. But just because sex isn’t part of your marriage doesn’t mean that sex isn’t going to be part of your life. You’ve gone without long enough and you’re going to get sex where and how you can and if she doesn’t like it she can fucking lump it.

Q: I am a good-looking 20-year-old with a boyfriend I love dearly. I’ve been with him for more than a year and we live together. He is about twice my weight. I can easily get around this, but what bothers me is his blandness in bed. I love to suck dick, he doesn’t like getting his dick sucked; I want to fuck in the shower, he doesn’t want to; I want to be tied to the bed and that just isn’t going to happen. The problem is that I love him! We’re making plans for a permanent future together. I am to the point where I feel like I am going to start cheating on him and I don’t want to do that! I am begging for any kind of advice you can give because right now I am screwed up in the head! Sex is more or less all I am thinking about these days. —Horny On Tap

A: Why on earth would you even contemplate marrying someone who not only doesn’t meet your sexual needs, HOT, but doesn’t care that he doesn’t meet your sexual needs? It’s clear from your letter that you’re far too young, far too inexperienced and far too stupid to make a commitment to this guy — or any guy. If you do marry this guy, I predict that you will one day meet a guy who wants to fuck your face, fuck you in the shower, then tie you to a bed and fuck your brains out. When you meet that guy, HOT, you won’t be able to resist. So by staying with this you’re only setting yourself up for a much more explosive, much uglier situation down the road. If you don’t want to wind up in marital counseling 17 years from now being made to feel guilty for “cheating” on your inconsiderate, selfish lard-assed husband, dump him right now!

Contact Dan Savage at mail@savagelove.net

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