A: Do you have the right to feel violated? You have the right to feel what you feel, no matter what anyone else might say to the contrary. Did you express yourself clearly? If you only "became serious" once intercourse was under way, perhaps not. Could your moans of pleasure have given him the wrong idea? Certainly. Nonetheless, if you are left feeling violated, then it might help you to talk with a trained volunteer on a rape crises line as well as with the guy himself and perhaps get some settlement on the issue. Was there something more you might have done to avoid this or avoid anything like this is the future? You alone have that answer.
Q: I am a 36-year-old male. My wife was killed in a car accident not too long ago. I am currently walking a long and difficult road, seeing therapists and being supported by friends and family. Although I am not yet ready for this, I would like to ask you something for my future information. I read in your column about various specialized groups for meeting people or sharing intimacy or sex, whether they be fetish groups or any other group with a communality. Are there any such groups for people who have suffered a loss this young in life, especially a traumatic and unexpected loss (as opposed to a prolonged period of dying)? To put it bluntly but honestly, I will be looking to seek companionship (yes, sexual) with others around my age who have suffered a similar loss. A tall order, I know, but if you have any suggestions I would be very grateful.
A: Many hospitals, churches, temples and even some individual therapists advertise groups for the bereaved. Ask around. Certainly the subject of new sexual connections is likely to come up in any of them. The best way I know of, however, to join a very specifically composed group is to start one yourself. Place an ad, perhaps in several different papers, with your targeted specifications and see who calls. Make it happen. It's wonderful practice for everything else in life as well. Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum (www.askisadora.com) or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions
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