TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WITH TIGER STADIUM
10. Burn it down
9. Use it for outdoor concerts
8. Homeless shelter
7. Little League baseball
6. Play Tigers games there
5. Singles bar
4. Turn it into lofts/condos
3. Fill it up with beer
2. Cover it with a glass dome and fill it with plants, birds and butterflies
1. Have Christo wrap it
TOP 10 BEST-KEPT LOCAL SECRETS
10. Detroits salt mines
9. There are cool apartments downtown
8. The waterfront
7. We have awesome water
5. Underground railroad tunnels
3. You can have fun downtown
2. The Scarab Club
1. If I tell you I will have to kill you
TOP 10 BEST NEW WAYS TO WRECK THE PEOPLE MOVER
10. Plant bombs in the Detroit River
9. Have Gov. Engler sit on it
8. Put a penny on the track
7. Blow up the Ren Cen
6. Keep it closed
5. Raise the fares
4. Let the Detroit school board run it
3. Hire Tyree Guyton to decorate it
2. Improve city bus service
1. Bombard it with livestock
FIVE BEST REASONS TO LIVE DOWNTOWN
1. Its close to everything: Canada, freeways, clubs, theaters, casinos, the action and, for some people, work.
2. Its cheap: Taxes, property, rents, lofts.
3. The people are great: Cultural diversity, friendly bums, muggers.
4. Theres so much to see: The Detroit River view, vacant lots, Red Wings and Tigers games, Eastern Market, the view from high-rises.
5. Theres always something to do: Restaurants, night life, snow shoveling, rat hunting, implosion watching, construction dodging, bragging to your suburban friends about where you live.
10 BEST REASONS NOT TO LIVE DOWNTOWN
10. Crime (real or imagined)
9. No snow plowing
8. Limited shopping
7. Too many one-way streets
6. Not enough movie theaters
5. Parking problems
4. Lung health
2. Expensive insurance
1. Eventually youll need gas and groceries
BEST BUILDING TO IMPLODE NEXT
BEST IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS YET TO COME
BEST UNSUNG HERO
BEST PLACE TO SEE MALL HAIR
BEST PLACE FOR A LOCAL WEEKEND INTERLUDE
MOST WORTHY CHARITABLE CAUSE
AIDS research/Mother Waddles/Karmanos Cancer Institute (tie)
Mother Waddles says she tries to be there when people fall through the cracks because shes been there herself.
"Im 86 years old and I raised 10 children," she says. "Ive (been) home on Christmas with no meat. I walked to welfare eight months pregnant, 8 degrees below zero, and been turned back."
To raise funds, Mother Waddles sells used cars. You donate your junker, and she converts it to food, medicine, clothes or furniture for the poor. Her car lot on Jos. Campau is also a church, where she conducts services every Sunday.
Contributions can be sent or brought to the warehouse at 8825 Vincent, Hamtramck (313-393-0045).
Detroiters are fortunate to have a world-class cancer center at the Barbara Ann Karmanos Cancer Institute, where physicians divide their time between patient care and research. In scientific circles, Karmanos is known for growing hormone-based breast cancer cells in the laboratory. These cells are used by researchers around the world, and led to breakthroughs such as the drug tamoxifin, which is now standard treatment.
Karmanos is one of 32 government-designated comprehensive cancer centers. More than 20 percent of the patients at Karmanos are involved in clinical trials, which represent cutting-edge treatment. This compares to 5 percent to 8 percent at other cancer centers and 2 percent at community hospitals.
Contributions can be sent to 4100 John R, Detroit, MI 48201. Or donate online.
Henry Ford Hospital has a laboratory devoted to AIDS research under the direction of Dr. Douglas Mayers.
"We can sequence every virus in the state of Michigan," says Dr. Norman Markowitz, chair of the department of infectious disease. Laboratory research at Ford focuses on HIV viral assembly, viral latency and genotypic resistance.
As esoteric as it sounds, this work has important clinical applications, particularly as more patients develop variations of the HIV virus that are resistant to the available drugs. — Elissa Karg
BEST PLACE TO FEEL LIKE YOUVE TIME-TRAVELED BACK TO THE 60s
Ann Arbor (especially the Hash Bash and the Art Fairs)
The Meijer trout
SCARIEST LOCAL ARCHITECTURE
BEST USE OF TAX DOLLARS THIS YEAR
FIVE BEST REASONS TO FEAR THE MILLENNIUM (BESIDES Y2K)
2. Freaked-out people
3. Chaos and anarchy
4. Dont know what to call the decade
5. Having to re-date all our checks
FIVE BEST REASONS TO HOPE FOR THE MILLENNIUM
1. Make a new start
2. Therell be a big party
3. 1,000 more opportunities for the Lions to win a championship
4. Peace on Earth.
5. Wont have to think about Y2K anymore
BEST NEIGHBORHOOD TO BUY A NEW HOUSE
BEST NEIGHBORHOOD TO BUY AN OLD HOUSE
Indian Village/Woodbridge (city)
BEST NEIGHBORHOOD TO TURN INTO A STRIP MALL
BEST PLACE TO ANNOY SOMEONE WITH YOUR CELL PHONE
In the movie theater
"So, do you like violent movies?" He looks into her eyes, inquisitively.
"No," she giggles. "I like comedies and, when its, like, really entertaining."
First date I conclude or he wouldnt have dragged her to Paul Schraders Affliction. Shes in for a treat.
His cell phone rings as the credits start rolling.
"Dan! Whats up, man? Im here with Amy. At the movies. Yeah. What do you mean whats playing? Leave me alone, man, Im on a date here. Later."
Voiceover: Willem Dafoe, Schraders favorite actor, tells a dark story involving two brothers, a drunken father, a silent mother, the intimation of a murder, the promise of future, tragic violent acts.
I love Schrader. Anyone who can dream up Travis Bickle Taxi Drivers righteous psycho is a man with a vision.
"Dan? This is deep, man. Nick Nolte just got medieval on his tooth. Pulled it out with a pair of pliers from the tool shed. Later."
"Lets go. This is soooo depressing."
"Cmon, Amy, dont be a quitter. Itll end well. They always do."
I smile at the boys innocence. Schrader and happy endings.
"Dan! Jesus! Nick Nolte just shot his old man. Now hes pouring gas all over him. Hes going to light him up, man. This is one sick movie."
Somebody screams. Somebody leaves. Somebody doesnt run out for their fourth medium popcorn.
And, in the blissful silence which follows those rare acts of cruelty that can still arrest our thoughts, the phone forgets to ring for the first time. — Dayana Stetco
FIVE BEST PLACES TO LEAVE YOUR KIDS
1. Belle Isle playscape
2. In the condom
4. The library
5. With their grandparents
BEST COMMUNITY IMPROVEMENT PROJECT
BEST SOCIAL SERVICE ORGANIZATION
Focus:HOPE/Red Cross/ Catholic Social Services of Wayne Co. (3-way tie)
BEST COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION
FIVE BEST WAYS TO INVOKE SOMEONES ROAD RAGE
1. Drive really slow in front of them
2. Cut them off
4. Flip the bird or blow them a kiss
5. Talk on your cell phone
BEST FREEWAY TO AVOID DURING RUSH HOUR
TOP FIVE SECRET ESCAPE ROUTES TO AVOID RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC
1. Michigan Avenue
2. Woodward Avenue
3. Gratiot Avenue
4. Hire the Go-Go-Gadget-Copter
5. Im not telling
BEST FIVE USES FOR DETROITS ABANDONED TRAIN STATION
1. Make it into a restaurant
2. Set up a dance club
3. Start yet another casino
4. Use it to play paint ball
5. Turn it back into a train station
BEST WAY TO PLAY HOOKY FROM WORK
Call in sick
And what to do with your day off? In no particular order, you suggested:
Sit on the beach with your cell phone and laptop
Go to the DIA
Catch a movie, a play or a Tigers game
Run off and get married
Have a drinking binge
Take a road trip
BEST LOCAL LANDMARK
The Uniroyal Tire on I-94
Could be the sympathy factor after being punched with that 10-foot long, 500-pound nail. Against such competitors as the Ambassador Bridge, the Spirit of Detroit statue and the Ren Cen, the giant Uniroyal Tire reigns with Metro Times readers.
Eight stories tall and 12 tons in weight, the tire has lived through multiple incarnations over 35 years, beginning as a 1964 New York Worlds Fair exhibit for the U.S. Rubber Pavilion the predecessor to Uniroyal. A Ferris wheel styled as a giant tire, it lifted and spun more than two million visitors, including the Shah of Iran and Kennedy clan members Jacqueline, Caroline and John Jr.
At the fairs end it was shipped west by rail in 188 sections, according to Uniroyal, reassembled in four months, and anchored in concrete and steel.
There was a 1994 makeover, which included installation of a new hubcap.
Last August came the $15 million push for Uniroyals new tire, the self-sealing Tiger Paw NailGard: TV ads, a tire-shaped hot-air balloon, a Beanie Baby giveaway ... and, to start things off, another giant makeover and the symbolic nail, lifted into place by a crane.
Ken Ford, mayor of the tires home turf, recalls Allen Parkers rolling with the mixed reactions in the 60s: "Some other communities, I think, had sour grapes, even people from Detroit, thought that it was kind of crass.
"But we always liked it, more now than ever before." — W. Kim Heron
BEST LOCAL CUSTOM
TOP 10 LOCAL URBAN LEGENDS
10. Iggy Pops 1960s era concerts
9. Knock Knock Street
8. Gangbangers with no headlights
7. Coleman Young
6. The kid who took a hit of acid and thinks hes a glass of orange juice
5. The panther that roams Detroit
4. Jimmy Hoffa is in the Dearborn stamping plant
3. Henry Fords ghost on the assembly line
1. Heidelberg Street is art
FIVE BEST IDEAS FOR A NEW MUSEUM
1. Ted Nugents "Look at all the stuff I killed" Museum
2. Geoffrey Fiegers Mouth Museum
3. Pictorial Museum of Potholes
4. A simulated crackhouse "walk-through" tour
5. Drag Queen Hall of Fame
BEST CANDIDATE FOR "BOZO OF THE YEAR" AWARD
TOP 10 BEST RUMORS TO START
10. Ken Starr has a mistress
9. Monica Lewinsky is pregnant
8. Detroits population is more than 1 million
7. Therell be free money at the new casinos
6. Chelsea Clinton got laid
5. Fieger is not going to run for office
4. Dennis Archer is really white
3. The Ren Cen is slipping into the Detroit River.
2. Jerry Falwell is gay
1. Tomorrow is a snow day
BEST LOCAL CEMETERY
BEST MOTTO TO REPLACE "ITS A GREAT TIME IN DETROIT"
"Try Detroit, youll like it."
"Our schools are as bad as Chicagos."
"Detroit: Where the roads give massages and the hookers are cheap."
"Detroit, rock city."
"Explosions R Us."
"Welcome to Detroit Yes, thats gunfire."
"Detroit: At least the suburbs are nice."
"Lose your shirt in Detroit."
"Its time for Detroit."
"B.Y.O.S.S (snow shovel)"
"Theres mo to do in Motown."
"Aww ... fuck."
"Get schooled in Detroit."
"You are on your own, ACE!"
"Where the weak are killed and eaten."
"Welcome to our failure."
"Gimme your wallet."
"The city of blowing trash."
"Its not pretty, but its fun."
"Have you ever seen a sink hole?"
"Detroiters die quicker."
"Detroit We are getting better, slowly."
"Bring a weapon."
"Detroits really fun. No, really."
"Were still waiting."
"Its dark and, hell, its hot."
"Detroit: The party never ends."
"Its not my fault."
"Its a great high in Detroit."
"The millenniums model city."
"Detroit: Home of Americas international riverfront gateway."
"Detroit: The realest place on the planet."
"Detroit: Try to make it out alive."
"In Detroit, here and now."
"Welcome to Ilitchville."
"We bet youll like Detroit."
"You get what you deserve."
"Were trying just maybe not very hard."
"Land of Motown and motors."
"Fuck em if they cant take a joke."
"Its not for wimps."
"Detroit its to die for."
"Come alive with Detroit."
"Its an OK time in Detroit."
"Duck and cover."
"Detroit its a gamble"
"Detroit: Its good for casino owners."
"Jump on the Red Wing bandwagon."
"Better than St. Clair County."
"Where the People Mover moves as slow as the snow removal."
"Detroit were workin on it!"
"Our mayor can beat your governor."
"Detroit, lump it or leave it!"
"Live fast, die hard."
"Unions make us strong."
"Live with it, because you can never leave."
"Fuck Chicago, weve got casinos now!"
"Fearin potholes in Detroit."
"Detroit where the jobs are."
"Have fun where you can find it in Detroit."
"Its a great time in Michigan."
"Detroit bring a cup."
"The next Lost Wages."
"Gateway to Windsor."
"Theres nothing to do in Detroit."
"Detroit, the nations embarrassment."
"You can see Canada from here."
"Only the tough survive."
"You cant forget the Motor City."
"Detroit: Third World-class city."
"In time, Detroit will be great!"
"Its not what you think."
"Its an OK time in Detroit if you know what youre doing."
"Do time in Detroit."
"Dont stare and youll be fine."
"Cant we all just get along?"
"Dont forget your dust mask."
"We can rebuild it."
"Aint no party like a Detroit party."
"Put your money down."
"Detroit a great place to play with yourself."
"Detroit fucking rules."
"Game time in Motown."
"Its a bumpy ride in Detroit."
"Detroits a real blast."
"Detroit its worth a visit."
"Detroit new look, same old attitude."
"Detroit an urban frontier."
"If you dont know the D, dont go that route."
"Detroit you gotta love it."
"Duck!! Youre in Detroit."
"Detroit it doesnt suck so bad."
"Detroit where suburbs rule."
"Detroit the rubble-sance city."
"Striving to be the perfect parking lot."
"Aint too proud to beg."
"Were waiting for you!"
"We need you to come back to downtown, please."
"Enough crack for everybody."
"Were got Gary, Indiana, beat!"
"No scabs allowed."
"You dont need to travel to experience Third World conditions!"
"Why go to Vegas anymore?"
"Get out while you can!"
"Less violent than Colombia."
"Detroit and you thought your town sucked."
BEST BUMPER STICKER
My kid beat up your honor student.
Real men wear shirts.
Youre just jealous cause you cant hear the voices.
If you can read this, youre too close!
Nice people swallow.
Normal people scare me.
Caution: This driver just doesnt give a shit.
Dont follow me, Im lost too.
Hate is not a family value.
If going to church makes you a Christian, then does going to the garage make you a car?
Im the delinquent who is sleeping with your honor student.
Detroit needs classical radio.
Friends dont let friends vote Republican.
Visualize whirled peas.
Id rather be spanking my monkey.
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
Honk if you understand punctuated equilibrium.
Forget world peace visualize using your turn signal.
Get drunk and screw!
You say tomato, I say fuck you.
What! Me horny?!
I fart to make you smell better.
Minnesota: Our governor can beat your governor.
Your college sucks.
I hate you.
Get off my ass!
Clinton: Commander in heat.
Hang up and drive!
Horn broken, watch for finger.
Caution: Driver only carries $20 of ammo.
I think, therefore Im dangerous.
No scab papers!
Caution: Driver under the influence of children.
Impeach Clinton and her husband.
Support your local mechanic buy American.
Strangers have the best candy.
People suck ass!
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
If you dont like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.
I found your cat under my tire.
Give blood play hockey.
Jerrys dead, Phish suck, get a job.
Stop honking, Im reloading.
I love my country but fear my government.
Resign, you fat bastard.
See me Im hot!
Forget the horn watch the finger.
Thank God Im an atheist.
I eat my road kill.
Eve was framed.
DARE to keep cops off donuts.
There is no God.
Life is too short to dance with ugly men.
I miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
Dont laugh its paid for.
Bewildered is better.
Jesus saves and Yzerman scores on the rebound.
YOU KNOW YOURE A DETROITER WHEN ...
You can pronounce "Cadieux."
You go south to Canada.
You try to convince others to move here.
You dont call Detroit "Hockeytown."
You play hockey at midnight.
Watching implosions is fun.
Nothing fazes you.
You like Highland Park.
You loved the Tigers in 98.
Your snow still isnt plowed.
You play euchre.
Lime-colored gator shoes do not surprise you.
You shop in Detroit.
Every other word is "fuck!"
You were born here and still live here.
You criticize and defend Detroit in the same conversation.
You cant avoid potholes.
You drive a hoopty car.
You wear "Made in Detroit" clothing.
You suffer from pothole shock.
You look over your shoulder every other minute.
People fear or pity you.
Your cars suspension is shot.
You know the bus schedule.
You say Dtroit, not Dee-Troyt.
Your understand Paczki Day.
You support the Lions and Tigers.
You consider traffic laws to be suggestions.
You wear a tank top in February.
You cant find a public toilet free.
You dont give a ... !
You use your hand as a map.
It snows and you get stuck.
You love Ann Delisi and "Backstage Pass."
You ask for a "pop" in New York City.
Your idea of a balanced meal is two coney islands with a Vernors Boston cooler.
You still live here.
You lust for Sanders hot fudge sundaes.
You know obscure cross streets.
Your auto insurance is three times as high as everyone elses.
You know who R.J. Watkins is.
You love the Howling Diablos.
You think driving 70 mph is slow.
You love it here.
You consider Vernors medicine.
You listen to WDRQ.
You have fond memories of the downtown Hudsons.
You drink Faygo.
You say "Fords."
You know where you are going in the city.
You bitch about Detroit, but you just cant leave.
You remember life pre-People Mover.
Your team is losing.
You still vote for Dennis Archer.
You have more Canadian change than American change in your pocket.
Youre missed in the census.
You have 20 coats for winter, fall and spring.
You are too concerned about race.
You dont gag when you drink Vernors.
You dont blink when the expressway is completely closed.
You root for the Red Wings even when they are playing shitty.
You feel safe in downtown.
You hear gunshots and dont do anything.
You have been carjacked.
You have no fear behind the wheel.
You return after living elsewhere.
You drive through a red light in front of a cop and they dont care.
You know all the cool bars downtown.
You know public transportation is a joke.
You know where your house used to be.
You move away and miss the city.
You shop at Eastern Market.
You live next door to a crack house.
You actually live in the city.
Your car has plastic bags where there once were windows.
No one asks about your city.
You take pride in your offensive driving skills.
When you expect it to snow after a day of 68-degree temperature.
You own pastel gators and a matching shirt.
You can fill out the MT "Best of Detroit" ballot.
You will fight for the city you just insulted.
Homeless people dont intimidate you.
You attend WSU football games.
You cant get where you want to go without a car.
You lower your convertible top when the temperature hits 58 degrees.
When the sound of gunshots relaxes you.
You park in the middle lane.
All you think about is moving out of Detroit.
When you are happy living here.
Nothing scares you.
You dont have to try to maintain an "image."
You notice all the empty buildings.
You believe Detroit still has a million people.
You think Kmart is better than Wal-Mart.
You wont go north of Eight Mile.
You love Belle Isle.
You can find a liquor store open after 2 a.m.
You talk to people in the middle of the street.
You have named the potholes on your commute.
You tell someone the mileage to Detroit from your house.
You notice when theres no security or bulletproof glass around.
You have a snow shovel sewn to your hands.
You make excuses for the Lions.
You dont duck at the sound of gunshots.
You know every street east-west.
Long commutes dont bother you.
You spend most of your time in the suburbs.
You "ride" through Greektown.
You know all the spots on the traffic report.
You feel powerless.
Youd rather be in Chicago.
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