Too young for sex? 

Q: Thank you for raising such an important issue as the generational differences in viewing fellatio on your Sexuality Forum Web site. Even Oprah Winfrey had two shows on the topic of oral sex and young girls. I am a mother of an 11-year-old girl. I am somewhat confused about this issue. On the one hand, I don't want my girl to have sexual hang-ups. I want her to live an enjoyable life and that includes having a sex life as a teenager. But my girl fellating boys to ejaculation at her age is an idea I can't quite deal with. Do you see that as a problem that girls are starting to give oral sex at such young ages and that they are so casual abut it? Or is this healthy and should we, as parents, just accept it? And I am not talking here about the physical risks of oral sex at all. After reading and hearing so much about this I realize that I will have to face this soon I guess since my daughter is bright and precocious both mentally and physically and quite a pretty girl. Do I need to have a talk with my daughter that addresses just blow jobs? What would I tell her? To stay away from them? What adds to my problem is that I myself am very fond of fellatio and I would feel hypocritical and just wrong in trying to ruin such a beautiful experience for any girl or woman. I would appreciate your opinion and advice on this.

A: I can't see a very young woman giving a casual blow job as a thank you for the expenses of a date as a "beautiful experience." Yes, many young women and girls are treating fellatio much more casually than did their mothers and grandmothers and using it for all sorts of reasons other than the pleasure of the act. Some don't even see oral sex as real sex, but as some sort of less-intimate appetizer. A mouth on what used to be called one's private parts seems like an intimate act to me. The talk you need to have with your daughter is about your values, what's important to you, and helping her formulate her own values and discovering what's important to her. Health risks certainly need to be a part of that discussion. While a person may not see oral sex as real sex, the STDs like herpes, warts, and even HIV that can accompany such acts can be all too real nonetheless.

Q: Has there ever been a survey done to see what the top-10 porn movies for woman are or the top 10 scenes of movies that women enjoyed? My wife and I might get a porn tape three or four times a year and the chore for me is to find one that is enjoyable for both of us. It seems as if the newer the movie is, the less enjoyable it is. The women now have fake breasts, they are having sex with each other and there is no longer a story line. As corny as they were, it made the older ones more enjoyable and fun to watch. We are in our early 40s and have never had sex with anyone else. This is one of our sparks that keeps the fire burning but lately the pressure to find a good movie can almost put the fire out.

A: There are surveys and then there are surveys, if you know what I mean. What is quite helpful are the reviews and comments of store staff and the renters and buyers themselves which you can find at such women-friendly sexual supplies providers as Libido (www.libido.com), Blowfish (www.blowfish.com) and Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com or 800-BUY-VIBE). Videos are rated for heat generation, educational value, production value, plot, humor, etc. What they don't seem to have is the erotic equivalent of the mainstream thumbs up. Oh well, I'm sure someone will think of some sort of similar scoring symbol. Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at askisadora@aol.com. Her Sexuality Forum is at

Speaking of Love & Sex, Ask Isadora

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