Tight, white troubles 

Q: I’ve been going out with this cute guy for the past few weeks. There is just one problem: He wears “tighty-whitie” underpants. The first time we had sex, I didn’t notice his underpants until I saw them on the floor. I thought, “Perhaps he ran out of boxers and is only wearing those underpants because he needs to do his laundry.” However, subsequent trysts have resulted in more underpants on my floor. Dan, these underpants are not sexy ... and he is not sexy in them. No one is. They are for 5-year-old boys, not 35-year-old men! And he would look unbelievably hot in boxer briefs! My girlfriend said that she felt like it would be an attack on his sexuality if I mentioned his “underpants.” What do you think? —Suffering Latent Underpants Trauma

A: I think you’re cheap and horrible, SLUT, and I think your opinions about tighty-whities are dangerous and inaccurate. On the right guy, tighty-whities are infinitely sexier than boxers — but only on the right guy. Men between 18-30 who are boyish and slim and hairless look fucking hot in tighty-whities, and I don’t want a single one to stop wearing them because some SLUT made fun of their underpants in Savage Love. Fellas, if you meet all of the above, please keep wearing tighty-whities and, for the love of God, keep taking pictures of yourselves in them and posting them online. Better yet, e-mail them directly to me at mail@savagelove.net. As for you, SLUT, if your boyfriend isn’t boyish and slim and hairless, then he doesn’t belong in tighty-whities. Why don’t you buy him a selection of boxer shorts? Don’t say, “You look ridiculous in tighty-whities, so I bought you some boxers.” Instead say, “I think men look so fucking hot in boxers, so I bought you some. Please wear them, honey, because they turn me on like fuckin’ crazy.” To seal the deal, you might want to add, “If you put them on right now, I’ll suck six layers of skin right off your dick.” Good luck.

Q: I am a 21-year-old girl who is very much in love with a 24-year-old boy. When we first met, he was very sexual and easy to please. But almost two years later, I have to beg him for sex. I am a very attractive girl. I love to try new things! I love to suck cock and I have very big, perky breasts. You’d think he’d be all up on that! I feel so ugly and unloved because he is constantly turning me away. He says I am a nympho and tells me he’d rather jerk off. I was on tour with a band for a while and met a roadie that is absolutely in love with me and he’s asking me to hook up with him. It’s really tempting because he is very good looking. I don’t know what to do. I love my man too much to cheat, but a girl has needs! Is there any way I can spark his old flame? I’ve tried everything! —Nympho on Shaolin Isle

A: You love your man? Whatever for? He neglects you, calls you names and would rather jerk off than “get all up on” your perky breasts — and tells you so! Dump the jackass already, you idiot. While you’re off writing letters to advice columnists wondering what you can do to spark his old flame (nothing), the man you “love” clearly wants out of this relationship and doesn’t have the courage or the decency to put you out of your misery and end things. Like a lot of wants-out-but-has-no-balls types, your boyfriend has decided to make himself so unpleasant that you’ll have no choice but to dump him. So do it. Sexually speaking, you’ve got a lot going for you — perky breasts, a passion for sucking cock, a willingness to try new things — and you need to get away from this grumpy wanker and find yourself a guy who both appreciates your perky breasts and puts your cocksucking skills to productive use. So hook up with the roadie. And if he’s really all that good looking, tell him he has me to thank for all the head you’ll be giving him. As a token of his thanks, he should pose for a series of nude digital photos — photos that you’ll e-mail to me at mail@savagelove.net. OK?

Q: I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for two months and he’s in a really shitty band full of retards who can’t play their instruments and lack stage presence. Somehow this band still gets gigs in pubs around town, so the whole town has seen my boyfriend in his shitty band. He is not only in this incredibly shitty band, but he looks like a complete ass on stage. Everybody knows he’s my boyfriend and they don’t even try to conceal how utterly hilarious they find it that the little guy jumping about on stage is actually my boyfriend. He does have a big dick, so I was considering making him get it out for all my friends, so that I am then known as “the girl who goes out with that idiot boy, but he does have a big dick so it’s OK.” Is this a good idea? —Shitty Banded Boyfriend

A: First of all, e-mail a picture of that big dick to mail@savagelove.net. Thank you. Moving along, I shared your letter with my friend Jennifer Maerz, a rocker chick and a music critic. “Anytime you have a boyfriend with embarrassing ‘built-in qualities,’” Jennifer said, “you can do one of three things: You can be a real bitch and tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to change this built-in quality or you’re gonna dump him; you can just accept that he’s musically retarded and not give a shit what your friends say and love him for his really big cock; or you can buy lots of great music and play it really loud all the time and give him presents like band bios and magazine subscriptions to good music rags and hope it brainwashes him into liking bands that actually can carry a tune. That’s what I’d do.”

Finally, to honor the coming of summer, I’m inviting my female readers with boyfriends who look good in tighty-whities to e-mail me pictures of their boyfriends in their underpants. Only good-looking guys, please. Yes, I’m being shallow, but it’s summer and it’s my column. The woman who sends me the hottest picture of her boyfriend in a pair of tighty-whities wins a $100 Toys in Babeland (www.babeland.com) gift certificate.

Contact Dan Savage at mail@savagelove.net

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